The FCW ECW Report – Written: 02/07/2009

for the episode of ECW on Sci Fi aired 30/06/2009 recorded in Fresno, CA

By Paul Smith

paulsmith3010@gmail.com

Welcome to The ECW Report and I am your host Paul Smith.

The Pre Game: Okay, so even me as someone who watches this show every week, and having just watched this weeks, has to say….WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?

So The Bash is in The Books. I’m glad they finally took away ‘The Great American’ part because now even though the show was about the same quality, it wasn’t false advertising this time.

And so our beloved GM Tiffany proved how competent she is by her agreeing to this draft, on ECW’s part:

Out: Jack Swagger, Evan Bourne, Mark Henry, Finlay, Tyson Kidd, DH Smith, Natalya

In: Goldust, Shelton Benjamin, William Regal, The Bella Twins.

I mean come on. That was your entire main event barring Christian and Dreamer. They got rid of the most promising things on the show in Evan Bourne and the Dynasty, they took away Finlay (although they did replace him with Regal), they gave away Mark Henry (not too upset but he somehow squashed Randy Orton..so…huzzuh!?) and brought in a comedy act that had overstayed it’s welcome TEN YEARS AGO, two guys in Regal and Benjamin who have about a thousand failed pushes between them, and to bolster our ‘women’s’ division (Katie Lea Burchill as it stands)…The Bella Twins!!! I suppose they do have main even experience on this show. Dear God. Nice work Tiff. Moron.

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ECW is taped and rolling from Fresno, California, the home of nobody wrestly as far as I know!

TONIGHT: We have a new InVasion as FCW comes to ECW, Shelton Benjamin learns that after years of racial prejudice against African Americans when it comes to Japanese guys, you get Chuck Norris’d, Sheamus gae(lic)s it up and Kozlov and Regal HAVE COMPETITIVE MATCH WITH COMPITISHUN

On with the show.

We begin with Tiffany’s awful music as the woman herself is grinning stupidly in the ring. ECW, has lost some great superstars (no!) but gained some and we have a new superstar initiative to give them an excuse for half of FCW coming over. AINT NO STOPPIN ME NOW!

Shelton Benjamin vs Yoshi Tatsu
Shelton looks a little pissed off here on his grand return to ECW, perhaps because of his knowledge of what he will be doing here. Yoshi Tatsu, formerly Yoshitatsu of FCW comes out to some pretty generic dance music that sounds a bit like Calvin Harris. He has rising sun tights on just in case you forgot that WWE loves to promote stereotypes. Although they did actually name a city in Japan, an honour Funaki never recieved, he was always just from Japan. Yoshi bows in the ring to Shelton’s amusement. Shelton gets on the mic and makes various racial remarks. I notice nobody comes out and talks like a gangster to Shelton. Shelton continues talking in his comedy Jap voice, to which Striker says ignorant. Which, it was. Shelton, after the bell, begins bowing in each corner. He then hits the tiger crane kick pose which was a little funny. He then does a sumo pose which doesn’t make sense, but okay. Shelton then puts his game face on but then bows to Tatsu, who hits a roundhouse kick and a quick cover for a three count. Right? The one guy who could replace our great main event exodus gets that on his first night back. Christ. Shelton sure pissed someone off.
Winner: Yoshi Tatsu 1/2* (1/4 for the match, 1/4 for Shelton’s antics)

By the way I can see the argument on the above match being called a squash, but I expect this will be followed up on as some kind of fluke because Shelton wasn’t taking it seriously. Also, I wont rate it SQUASH because until I get more proof, I don’t see Benjamin as a guy who does the job for new guys.

Our main event will be random tag match 63 as Christian and Dreamer will take on uh Kozlov and Regal.

We see The Rock backstage. Oh wait no, it’s another n00b called Abraham Washington, some guy who barely even wrestled at FCW, and was in fact the ‘GM’ there. He also used to call himself Abraham Saddam Washington. After the break we will get his talk show with The Bella Twins.

Washington also has the most generic funk music in history. Apparently, he has the gift of the gab. His ’show’ has the black pad on the canvas and some pretty standard leather furniture. He calls his show the newest sensation on the show to loud boos. Washington wants to talk about some WWE Universe issues. He called the three stages of hell match pretty tight. Fail. He made a Paris Hilton joke, which also failed. The fans drown out this terribleness with WHAT?. He makes a 12 Rounds joke. Even Miz went there first dude, but Washington covers this by pointing out the stupidity of Miz losing to Cena twice in two days. The Bella Twins then come out. WWE clearly has no idea to do with these girls. OJ simpson joke. Really!? The Bellas introduce themselves. Washington makes a wig joke. This is really awkward and not coming off well at all. Basically Nikki is younger and smarter, then they do some PG rated naughty questions. Nikki boasts she was the first to do more than kissing. Congrats! Basically the Bellas just end up arguing and Washington just makes some steretypical remarks to conclude his show. That was awful in every way. This guy tries but he isn’t nearly good enough and The Bellas just aren’t anything.

We get the debut of Sheamus who has the best facial hair in history.

Oliver John vs Sheamus
Sheamus cuts a promo in gaelic, before repeating it in English. He will claim ECW as his own. Basically this guy wrestles the standard strike and power move style that any WWE guy over six ft wrestles. Sheamus< think has a distinctive look, and it is that that will set him apart from some of these other FCW guys. Anyway, lots of strikes and a nice bicycle big boot before a uranage backbreaker wins the match, SQUELCH.
Winner: Sheamus SQUASH

Kozlov is in sambo gear backstage but Regal turns up to try and talk strategy with Kozlov. Kozlov says something in Russian and then confirms he ‘got it’ with the scariest wink and click combination you will ever see.

Zack Ryder is backstage and he is confronted by FCW Heavyweight Champion, Tyler Reks, who compliments Ryder. On Thursday on Superstars it will be Ryder vs Reks, and they initiate a SoCal vs East Coast rivalry. Ryder somehow gets to call Reks a rookie (after all of Ryder’s competitive experience obviously) before trying to do a serious ‘woo woo woo, you know it’. This shit gets stupider by the week.

RAW Rebound. Mark Henry. Mark Henry. Seriously? Mark Henry?…

…

…

Seriously, Mark Henry?

Christian and Dreamer are ready backstage. Christian made his return to ECW in this arena. Christian will become ECW Champion again. Christian’s timing is poor.

Vladimir Kozlov & William Regal vs ECW Champion Tommy Dreamer & Christian
Kozlov comes down in his sambo gear, smiling and waving to the crowd. Seriously what the hell is going on in this show? Striker gives the verbal blow job to get Regal over. Huge pop for Christian. Thank God this guy somehow stayed on ECW after this mini draft. Kozlov now has read shorts, kneepads and boots. Regal and Christian start things off. This is Kozlov’s first non-squash match on ECW and I think his first non-handicap tag match ever. Grappling to start and Striker explains William Regal made the switch from Lord Steven to William because of being descended by our favourite norman conqueror. Anyway Christian hit the shoryuken before Kozlov tagged in. Kozlov holds a kind of gutwrench torture rack before Dreamer tags in. FYI Kozlov’s favourite drink is a molotov cocktail, something I’d very much like to see. Dreamer hits a crossbody which Kozlov actually takes but pretty much no sells, and he goes to the floor, takes a basement dropkick by Christian, who just tagged in. Christian looks for a dive but Regal shows up to scare im off. Dreamer is back in with Regal after a break. Kozlov tags in after Striker references how weird it is Russia and England teaming up. After some strikes Regal is back in and he takes a sick chop. Christian gets the hot tag as Striker references Regal actually being from Staffordshire rather than Blackpool. A missile dropkick by Christian gets two as does his springboard sunset flip. Regal gets a cheap shot on the outside and Kozlov tags in. Strike battle before a big knee lift by Kozlov which gets two. Kozlov works the arm before tagging in Regal. Regal hits a nice arm wrench take down on Christian before tagging in Kozlov again. Kozlov hits his own arm wrench take down and continues his arm lock. Dreamer calls for the tag. Christian fights out before taking headbutts and a belly to belly. Regal tags in, and grinds Christian with his arm. It might be piped in but Regal has some heat. After a double ko spot both men gets tags and Dreamer is the hot one but he no sells Dreamer’s punches. Dreamer hits a diving clothesline for two. Dreamer goes for the ddt, but ends up with a neckbreaker for two. Christian is thrown into the steps by Regal. Regal blind tags in. He gets cradled for two. Dreamer gets posted on a charge and Regal hits a bad exploder suplex as Dreamer wouldn’t get lifted. Kozlov returned the blind tag favor and hit the uranage for the win. Regal first looks pissed, but then pleased with the win. Regal puts over Kozlov at the end, and they smile bashfully at each other. Young heel love. This match felt fresher and therefore better because it was Kozlov and Regal against Dreamer and Xtian rather than them being against Mark Henry and Jack Swagger. Regal smiles scarily at Kozlov to end the show.
Winners: Vladimir Kozlov and William Regal **1/4

We got a lot of new talent in on todays show. I was impressed by Sheamus, and Regal in his new role. I wasn’t impressed with Washington or The Bella Twins whos mic work resembled a debate between Batista, Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles on the socio economic climate of North Korea. I haven’t seen enough of Yoshi Tatsu to see what he’s like though. So, with some new angles desperately needed I would consider this an introductory show to the new Rookie Club version of ECW. No Goldust yet though! And Kozlov looked better in his match than I have ever seen him, and he took bumps more than normal which is good, but he needs to work a little more on his selling. As far as matches and segments go though, this week was only saved by the main event and therefore…

This episode of ECW earns a thumbs in the middle

Until next time, I have been Paul Smith. Thanks for reading.

OH and yeah next week I have an excuse for posting this on Friday as ECW will air on Thursday night, so I will see you this time next week, but actually on time.

Tags: Christian, sheamus, Shelton Benjamin, talent initiative, thumbs middle, Tommy Dreamer, Vladimir Kozlov, William Regal, yoshi tatsu