Silicone Sheik reporting live for tonight’s coverage of Total Divas (and unfortunately not watching coverage of Summerslam).
Tonight’s episode is entitled “The Fat Twin.” As far as I know Nattie (referred to by the other girls as The Ugly One”) doesn’t have a sister. Maybe another skinny, female Neidhart will show up with a Kane mask?
This episode will undoubtedly be about one of the Bella Twins. Such a theme should reassure the confidence of anorexic girls all over the world.
Segment 1: No one likes fat people!
It’s okay to be fat. So you’re fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.”
- Roseanne Barr
The show opens up with Nattie and the Bellas shopping to spice up their sex lives. Nattie’s sex life is not going well with TJ. All we hear from Daniel Bryan and John Cena is YES YES YES! Some sexy lingerie, worn by the Bella Twin’s, will fix Nattie and TJ’s relationship right up. The girls fake compliment each other for a large portion of the segment.
I’ve heard the word boobies at least 700 times during this opening. My thought progression is totally off. I’m not even sure what this segment is about other than comparing puppies. Now we have boob tension between the Funkadactyls and the Bellas as the girls sign autographs for the upcoming pay per views. The Bella’s seem to be getting more attention because Eva Marie must have had another gig scheduled in another town.
Brie confides in Daniel Bryan that she is worried about her weight before the Summerslam photo suit. Bryan thinks she looks great, but can we take his word? He can hardly see past the beard. Brie decides to pass on Bryan’s offer of pancakes in order to look nice for a photo shoot that will be touched up anyway.
TJ and Nattie are a love born in wrestling. TJ is now addicted to wrestling and Nattie would like to go out and hit the town. Someone should introduce TJ to DVR. It seems that Nattie has moved from partner to caretaker. She comes out in bra and panties… and in Freudian fashion TJ strokes his pussy. The frustration for Nattie is boils over into the next segment.
Finally we get to the good part of the episode. Eva Marie is shown texting and eating lunch. She can definitely do no wrong. I’m not even sure the Bella’s are at the table any longer. Eva, in an effort to steal the spotlight from the Bella’s, shows Brie a random internet comment where some fan boy called her sister fat. She had to scroll down pretty far on the page though to get past all of her fan tweets.
Segment 2: TJ and Nattie Hit the Skids
“When we lose twenty pounds…we may be losing the best twenty pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.”
- Woody Allen
Daniel looks totally uninterested in this lunch with Brie and Bella. To reinforce that Nikki is the FAT TWIN we cut to her eating cake and drinking wine. Nikki’s eating habits are out of control. She must weigh a solid 115 at this point in her career. Soon she is going to be walking to the ring with Sting in TNA.
The Bellas agree to an alcohol cleanse for 20 days.
Now we’re back to the boobs. Ariane wants to go to a plastic surgeon to reinforce her assets. This breast implant angle is highly agreeable to yours truly, since I get a 5 cent royalty every time the word “silicone” is used on TV. This segment is strange as the fact Trinity’s ass looks like Yokozuna’s chest is deemed unworthy of mention. I might have to pull some of my old wrestling videos out of the closet before I go to bed tonight.
Now we are receiving a 101 education on breast implants and body slams. The Funkdactyls get to test drive a pair of fake boobs before buying. Jon Uso also comes in to get a glance at the ta-tas. He is noticeable uncomfortable but eventually caves in and also touches a strange woman’s breast in front of his girlfriend. The plaque on this woman’s desk states Freelance Breast Displayer.
There’s another 5 cents for the sheik.
Ariane agrees to test out the boobs before committing to implant them in her body. She is going to eat in them. Sleep in them. And take a month or two off of wrestling! WHAT WHAT? She did not realize there would be recovery time after implanting an artificial substance in her body. Trinity thinks this is crazy talk as the Funkdactyls are just now receiving huge pops in the wrestling business. Any down time could mean the end of a gimmick as flimsy as being cheerleaders for Tons of Funk.
The Bella’s are shown buying juice in order to detox before their photo shoot. The girl’s run into A-Rod along the way. The girl’s need to look identical being twins because fans need an exact replica… or nothing will really happen as our attention shifts to their shamefully delicious outfits.
Nattie goes out to lunch with TJ. She talks about the family heritage of the Harts and Neidhart’s. She is trying to stoke the fire of their relationship. TJ is hesitant. This only thought right now is to rehab and get back in the ring. Nattie want’s a marriage out of all this. She is old and her biological clock is ticking.
Segment 3: Fat on Twitter???
“I was really tired of words like ‘plus size’, ‘round’ and ‘large’. I thought, ‘come on we’re fat’.”
- Kirstie Alley
The Bellas are driving around in a car talking about which animals they would like to be. I choose sexual tigers. The girl’s continue on the juicing phase and Nikki is not doing so well.
Ariane reveals that she is still trying out her horrible looking breast “outplants”. She is taking this job to a whole new level. Ariane says she looks hot in her new implants. She is highly delusional and probably just saw Eva Marie in a mirror off camera somewhere. Her implants fall out as she jumps in a pool.
Now the Bellas are back in the kitchen sharing juicing secrets… and Brie finds an empty wine bottle and a half-eaten muffin three feet away from a camera. All those comments on twitter are totally warranted now as Nikki gorged on a muffin and a bottle of wine. Brie storms off stage and out of the house as her sister is unable to fulfill her portion of the arrangement.
Ariane goes to show her new boyfriend her boobies. Vincent wants to name the fake breasts. There is a 30 second interlude of Vincent grabbing Ariane’s boobs with a creepy grimace on his face. Vincent is so hot and bothered he dries his sweat off on Ariane’s couch.
Today is the day of the Summerslam photo shoot and all the girl’s are in bikinis. Nikki gives a touching speech in regards to her emotions and body image. She sister scoffs at her in favor of looking good for the business.
Segment 4: Where is Eva?
“Eva Marie is not fat!”
- Silicone Sheik
The Bella’s continue their confrontation. Brie looks totally uninterested in Nikki’s insecurities. However she says she just treats Nikki this way because of problems with her own body image. In a matter of seconds the girl’s are back on speaking terms.
The girl’s are now in front of the cameras. The sister’s are proud of each for how good they look running on the beach mimicking the iconic scene in “10”.
TJ decides to spice up his relationship with Nattie and has a surprise for her. Nattie is happy because TJ is taking an interest in her and their relationship. TJ decides to take her into the ghetto; which isn’t actually the ghetto at all and looks better than any neighborhood I have ever been in.
TJ wants to take her in to get married! Nattie desires romance and not paperwork. This causes an eruption of insults out of her mouth as she explodes on TJ about his shortcomings. She storms off the scene and the wedding may be off.
This emotion is negated by cutting to commercial and seeing more pictures of those disgusting breast “outplants”.
Segment 5: Missing implants
“The reason fat people are happy is that their nerves are well protected.”
- Luciano Pavarotti
TJ tries to follow Nattie down the street and explain his motives but Nattie tells him that if this is what he means to her then she doesn’t want to be with him anymore.
Ariane is now playing with her breasts backstage. She is trying to find a way to sew them into her costume. The fans definitely do not want her boobies flopping all over the place. Ariane desire to be the fan favorite fuels her need for larger breasts; she doesn’t realize that if she wants to look hotter she could just stand closer to Trinity.
Grand theft mammary!
Trinity, who must be skipping her improv classes, laughs inappropriately at Ariane’s missing implant, and then implausibly suggests that Ariane can simply go onstange wearing one implant. In a show where Nattie’s fiancé can pretend she’s marriageable, and Brie can pretend Nikki is fat, Trinity can’t even manage to play herself convincingly.
Ariane is distraught about her fake implant missing. But she makes due and stuffs her bra with some issue and tries to go out and fool millions of WWE fans. This doesn’t work and she looks ridiculous in front of the WWE universe.
Cena, official voice of reason, points out that Nikki’s theft was not a jovial bit of ribbing but a rather mean thing to do. Still, he won’t take that important step of kicking her fat ass to the curb, so one has to question how much of a shit he gives about his girlfriend’s vapid malevolence. The Bellas continue to ridicule the Funkadactyls and Ariane realizes her breast tissue was exposed the whole time. Nikki encourages Ariane to go forward with the breasts – even though they are not necessary.
In the episode’s climax, Eva listens to something someone says, smiles in response, and blinks.