*Recap* Episode 3: Planet Funk Is Funked Up But Only For 1 Hour.

Riding on the hulking shoulders of Eva Marie, Total Divas roars into week 3 with stable ratings. 1.5 million Evamanics tuned into the show last week.

The title of this week’s episode centers on Parliament-Funkadelic… No? The Silicone Sheik stands corrected as that should have been the Funkadactyls. Planet Funk is Funked Up. So far Ariane and Naomi have been utter duds. I’m not interested in their characters at all. The most interesting the pair has done thus far was argue with an old lady over threads and a sewing machine. Perhaps this sentiment will change over the course of this week’s episode. Or maybe Uso and Brodus Clay can draw a pop or two.

If not I might break into a play by play of Dexter or Breaking Bad.

Who do the fans think would win in a fight: Debra Morgan or Eva Marie?

Anyway, stay tuned for tonight’s play by play of Total Divas.

Segment 1: Who’s got the Funk? We’ve got the Funk! 

I wanted to start off tonight’s coverage by sending birthday wishes to my good friend Terry Bollea. He turns 60 today and it’s almost like we came out of the womb together. Here’s to another 60 years, brother!

The show starts off with Brie Bella actually wearing a seatbelt.  Nikki let’s us in on a little secret (she’s not really intelligent. Shhh, don’t tell anyone else. She was pulling the wool over all of our eyes)

Bryan and Brie have decided to move to Phoenix so that she can see her dog more often. I applaud this decision, actually, as all life decisions should be made around the desire of pets. Brie hasn’t informed Nikki that she is moving to Phoenix. There may be a hair pulling tiff on the horizon.

Hey, someone else is dating on this show? Trinity is dating an Uso brother. No one really knows which one as he doesn’t get much mic time and the brother’s pretty much look alike anyway.

Trinity doesn’t wear her ring for professional reasons: such as she is embarrassed to be dating an Uso brother. She would much prefer to be dating someone in the Shield.

Now the meat of the show! Let’s see what Eva is doing. Jo-Jo and Eva lock up in the ring. Jo-Jo actually has some decent in ring work. But she is no match for our ravishing firecracker. Eva is given instructions that she has to control her body or she will be hurt. Segueing into… Jo-Jo is hurt after not handing properly after practicing a move. This should set up a future rivalry of incompetence. Which is the worse wrestling sin: not being able to take a hip toss or the lack of ballroom dancing? On a serious note she now has a concussion and her future training is in doubt.

Jon Uso likes guacamole (the highlight of the show thus far). Trinity informs Jon that she doesn’t like to wear her ring because the divas are expected to be single. Even though every other diva is dating someone/married. Trinity promises she will wear her ring when she is married. This is a great way for a woman to pressure a guy into marriage or a break up.

The Bella’s need to look good while working out. More marriage talk from Nikki; but this time its in regards to her sister of 29 years.

Here comes the bombshell… Brie is moving to Phoenix and Nikki thinks this is extreme as ECW. This is totally Bryan’s fault as he is the whipping boy of the WWE.  Brie rebukes this comment and tries to talk some sense into her sister but as we have previously seen Nikki does not have the pedigree of Damien Sandow.

Segment 2: Still nothing from the Funkadactyls. 

Brie and Nikki are about to take Hollywood by storm. The pair has decided to follow the footsteps of Kane, The Rock, The Miz, Randy Orton and many other WWE superstars and jump into WWE advertised films. Brie is noticeably late for the 3 p.m appointment with the director. The rift between the Bella’s grows. We learn that the Bella Twins will be managed by Harvey Danger in their film debut. Brie’s absence puts a strain on their integrity but Brie shows up with a late run in and saves the day. Crisis averted and the movie will go on with the Bella’s in increased action.

Now Jo-Jo is dating a guy named Sebastian. Jo-Jo introduces her mate to Eva Marie and is now immediately single. Just kidding, this guy is not on Eva Marie’s level. Jo-Jo takes her boyfriend to the beach for a romantic wade in murky water.

In Phony Workout Scene 2, the girls forget that they aren’t boxers as Nikki hits’ Brie’s padded hands “too hard.”  This is the same equipment used by heavyweight boxers, but who knows?  Maybe her punching power is somehow fueled by her self-absorption. Nikki is still really upset about Brie’s move to Phoenix.

Jo-Jo is struggling to keep up with the other girl’s while her boyfriend puts pressure on her to spend time together. This relationship is not working out and Sebastian decides to break up with Jo-Jo; which is odd because he is kind of dorky looking and will never date someone of the caliber of Jo-Jo ever again. Maybe he’s related to Jerry Seinfeld and turns down attractive models for whimsical reasons? I’ll check and see if Larry David is in the credits of the show as they roll to closure this evening.

Segment 3: Moving for a freaking dog?

The show opens back up to Trinity and Jon performing/practicing wrestling moves on each other.

Trinity reveals that she has a fear of top-rope leg drops.  This is somehow treated by her fiancé as a metaphor for their relationship.  No one has a problem taking this suggestion seriously. Eva Marie would have no problem delivering a leg drop off the top rope. Bill Demott tells her she needs a good kick in the ass and that indecisive people get their segment’s cut.

Jon pressures Trinity towards marriage. This is the polar opposite of Nikki who wants John Cena to marry her on a whim.

Jo-Jo and Eva Marie have a heart to heart in the car about the perils of the wrestling business. She has to decide between the love of her life and her love of the wrestling business. There certainly could be no compromise.

Eva continues to do nothing this episode, and her personality’s absence is felt.  But then the Bella’s start blurting out “camel toe” “crotch” and “vagina” for a reason that I missed, and I forget that this show involves any other people. Bryan looks very uncomfortable. He might be the master of submissions but he taps out to a room of women talking about their genitalia.

Nikki tells Brie and Bryan that she hates them for moving, and they react as though she told them she hates cottage cheese. Nikki leaves the scene in her car. Hopefully wearing a seat-belt!

Segment 4: Relationship woes

Nattie comes in to kick some newbie ass… teach them the ropes of the business. Jo-Jo is depressed that she must sit on the sidelines and wait out her concussion/problems with Sebastian.

Based on a thirty-second conversation Nattie suggests that Jojo dump her boyfriend.  She is barely able to hide her self-satisfaction when Jojo breaks into tears. Jo-Jo is at a crossroads pondering a lucrative wrestling contract or a dime a dozen boyfriend.

John Cena plays his usual role as the voice of reason, pointing out to Nikki that she is self-absorbed and selfish.  Nikki can’t compute negative statements about her but she likes it when people talk about her. Nikki is jealous that she will no longer be able to spend time with her sister. Bryan is once again the scapegoat.

Jon Uso comes in and demands that Trinity communicate to him about their relationship. Trinity can not be expected to make decisions at the tender age of 25. Jon should go fine Mae Young! Jon gets so angry that Trinity isn’t pregnant with his babies yet that he packs a tiny suitcase and smashes a glass in what is totally not just some dramatic temper tantrum.

Segment 5: Things are heating up in FunkyTown

The Bella twins have their most emotional scene yet as they stand twelve feet away from each other and mumble apologies toward the walls. The Bella’s are finally coming together as team-mates and sisters.

Trinity gossips to the rest of the girl’s about her commitment woes.

Ariane shows up with tonsillitis, a yeast infection, and a urinary tract infection.  She doesn’t know whether she’s contagious, but she’s up for a night of rolling around half-naked with a lot of sweaty people. I am almost certain there are doctor’s on call for this sort of issue. But why not infect the entire roster of RAW and Smackdown?

Trinity finally gets her dream of fighting Jon in the ring. Even though they were practicing earlier and have had sexual intercourse many times, they are not familiar with working with one another. Plus they are pretty pissed off at each other. Remember, Jon broke her favorite glass in an earlier segment. Mark Cabbrano (sorry if I spelled your name wrong) comes in and tells Trinity that this is a professional place of employment and even though the company produces drama there is no place for real drama on the television screen.

Where the hell is Eva Marie?

Segment 6: Domestic Violence.

Ariane is sick and Trinity is sick of her boyfriend. How the hell is this match going to happen?

The match starts off with the Bella’s wearing next to nothing. Eva Marie and Jo-Jo are having a jolly time from the sidelines. One of the Bella’s tags Jon in and we’re about to have our first contact between men and women in the WWE. This is preposterous! This is never supposed to happen. Their personal drama invades the match in a way that either stretches or destroys the meaning of kayfabe. On the one hand, it acknowledges the fakeness of the wrestlers’ in-ring personas.  On the other hand, it reveals the falsity of the Total Divas world.  If you had any doubts, here it is: This is all still part of the show.

The match continues with Team Funk coming out on top. Trinity was very uncomfortable during this match. She doesn’t like being stressed out. I wonder if she will like being disciplined by Stephanie McMahon? This seems like a much greater offense than lying about ballroom dancing!

Epic Conclusion: 

Jo-Jo comes to a realization. She does want to be a professional wrestler! Nothing is going to get in her way. Not even true love. Business before pleasure and you’ll be a Diva’s treasure. I’m sure Jo-Jo has a twitter account. All you white knight wrestling fans should start sending compliments, dating requests and marriage proposals.

Ariane tries to track down Trinity. She spills her guts about loving Jon but not really wanting to commit to a lengthy relationship. Trinity arbitrarily decides that she is mistreating John because a past boyfriend cheated on her. One clumsy reconciliation later and we’re back to the status quo, ready for more wacky adventures next week.

Recap: This week’s episode demonstrated (as if there were any doubt) that there is no show without Eva.

 

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  • michael foulds

    This was a bad review in my opinion. Fair enough putting your own personal opinions in, but you try to be funny, and it isn’t funny. You also hardly actually touch on the show at all, you put one statement then go off on a tangent about what you think, but hey what do I know I’m just the reader.

    • Ashley

      I agree. Jeez, if you don’t like the show, then don’t sign up to be the reviewer.

      • michael foulds

        It was painful to read in my opinion. I agree with what you say because his bias keeps showing up in every comment he writes.

  • Rainbow Dash

    Holy crap would you shut up about how much you like Eva. I want to hear a rundown of the show, not read a blog about how you think everyone on the show but Eva is boring.As much as you’d like to believe it, most people don’t share your opinion. Most people watch for the current divas and many people find Eva to be another bland pretty girl with no real personality or love for wrestling. Even when it comes to the newcomers, Jo jo is easily more interesting than Eva.

    Richard should find someone else to do these.

    • Nick K

      Agreed, honestly Eva Marie isn’t even one of the interesting characters IMO. She has nice hair though ill give her that.

  • Ayo

    Oh my God hahahaha this has to be one of the greatest things Ive ever read. So funny!

  • Howard Stern

    Dude, your review straight up hurt my feelings.

  • Simon Veitch

    Yeah I’ve gotta admit, the amount of bias in this towards Eva is a little frustrating to read through at times. Given that I don’t get to watch the shows until after reading the recaps here in Australia, it’s amazing how different the show feels watching it compared to what I see on here, but I don’t have this issue with any other shows recaps. Probably wouldn’t hurt to give a slightly more open minded opinion about the show and give more of a recap of the actual events, rather than an opinionated segment by segment review.