Cole talks about how Punk has been cleared to wrestle and will be facing Ryback in a TLC Match tonight. And The Rock, The Most Electrifying Man In All of Entertainment makes his return tonight!
Promo for The Rock’s return and how he’s going after Punk’s Title. But Punk’s Title is in serious jeopardy because of Ryback. Punk’s doctor said he couldn’t compete, but VKM’s doctors says he can, so he will. Will a new year bring a new Champion? We will be electrified on RAW!
In Ring Segment
Cena’s music and out he comes to a stage with tables, ladders and chairs all around. Cena to the ring, pumped and full of energy. Video recap of Cena dumping poo all over Ziggler and AJ last week. Cena says what a gloriously craptastic end to 2012, and by the noise here tonight, what a hell of a way to kick off 2013. There’s some great folks in the audience and in a TLC Match, with the WWE Championship in the balance against Ryback. And you can feel the electricity, the boots wanting to go to asses. Tonight they welcome back The Most Electrifying Man In All of Entertainment, The Rock. They’re on The Road to WrestleMania. In three weeks is Royal Rumble. He’s going to be in the Royal Rumble Match.
Out comes Ziggler, AJ and Big E. Ziggler says that they might be there to see Cena, or to see The Rock, but they’re all there to see Dolph Ziggler! AJ asks Cena if this is how he feels better, helps him sleep at night? That nasty little joke Cena played on her and Ziggy last week wasn’t enough? How about toying with her feelings and breaking her heart? Wasn’t that enough for him? He had to add insult to injury? She can’t believe she lost her job for him. He’s a petty, pathetic, small man. Cena is a very small man.
Cena says he’s a small man? Cena cracks a huge grin and says that AJ doesn’t know what she’s done. Her sweet little innocent self has made her first sixth grade weiner joke!
AJ says he’s disgusting!
Cena says she can knock it off her bucket list, this deserves a wave! Cena starts a wave! He has a wave go around the arena three times! Now that the customary wave is finished, we all know that one good weiner joke begets another, so let him quote the famous poet, Andrew Dice Clay – There once was a man from Nantucket…
Ziggler yells it’s enough. Every time someone beats Cena, he has to make a joke about it. It’s time to cut the crap.
Cena says he did cut the crap last week, and it fell all over them.
Ziggler says that Cena thinks he can hide from him in the Royal Rumble? No, he will be there, he’s going to be in the Royal Rumble. His primary goal is of not letting Cena win.
Cena says he wouldn’t have it any other way. He says 2013 is looking up for him, speaking of looking up, watch out…
Of course AJ and Ziggler jump back and freak out that they’re going to be pooed on and Cena laughs at this.
You’ve got to be crazy to think that he’d drop poo on them twice. But AJ is crazy, and it might be rubbing off on Dolph a bit, huh… Rubbing off on Dolph and Big E, I’m not touching that one. But he seems to talk a lot, from over there. I’m done talking, it’s time for fighting. Right here, right now!
Big E takes the mic and says Cena thinks Dolph’s his only problem? He has an answer for him, and, it’s on.
Cena says that fear and common sense are standing in Dolph’s way, get down to the ring and take his butt whooping.
The three argue on the stage. Ziggler isn’t going to do this, Big E stares at Dolph, then Ziggler’s music plays and the three head for the ring.
Cena vs Ziggler w/ AJ & Big E
They circle and lock up. Shoulder block drops Ziggler who yells at the ref in disgust. Vickie made this match over the break, Ziggler wasn’t too impressed. They lock up. Side headlock take down on Cena. Ziggler pushes out, Cena over and under Ziggler beautifully, then takes him down into an arm hold. Ziggler up and free to pound on Cena in a corner. More blows to Cena, then Ziggler whips him and Cena hits the mat. Elbow to the back of Cena’s head, then takes Cena down in a corner, and stomps him. Ziggler tucks his toes under Cena’s side and does situps. Cena takes this time to roll Ziggler up for two.
Running bulldog on Ziggler for two. Front facelock on Ziggler on the mat. “Cena!” chants. Cena gets Ziggler up for a long delayed vertical for two. Cena telegraphs and was kicked so hard he flipped back onto the mat. Ziggler rushes Cena in a corner with a splash and takes him down for two. Ziggler on Cena for two. A big right drops Cena, then Ziggler jogs around the ring showing off. Cena takes Ziggler down and sends him snake eyes into the corner. Ziggler whipped, then acts like something is in his eye, the ref checks and Big E is quickly up to nail Cena with a cheap shot from the apron.
Chinlock on Cena on the mat. Ziggler into a head stand during the hold, then bridges the hold. Ziggler to his head again, then lands on Cena’s back, but Cena up and plants Ziggler back first on the mat. AJ up on the bottom rope and stares in a strange way. Cena turns into a big drop kick for two. Ziggler hits his epic elbows for two. AJ up on the apron and slaps Cena across the face. The ref sees this and throws both AJ and Big E out. Ziggler is freaking.
Cena with his shoulder blocks, then plants Ziggler for ‘vintage’ Cena, but Ziggler is up and takes Cena down for a long two! Cena lolling in a corner, to his feet and Ziggler rushes him, but Cena moves and plants Ziggler. 5 knuckle shuffle, then he grabs Ziggler, but he gets free and takes Cena down hard for two! Ziggler to his feet through a “Cena” chant. Cena ducks Ziggler’s kick and counters to the STF, but then Ziggler reverses into a DDT on Cena for two!
Ziggler to the apron and climbs. Ziggler flies, but Cena catches him, falls, rolls Ziggler back up and sets up the AA, but Ziggler free and hits his superkick for a long two on Cena! Both men are down. Ziggler then over on Cena with blows on the mat. The ref gets Ziggler off Cena. Ziggler is frustrated. A blow to Ziggler’s gut. Cena up with a big right. Ziggler with a blow. Back and forth. Cena with a few, but Ziggler jumps on his back with a sleeper. Cena flails, one hand down, but then throws Ziggler up and into the ref. Ref bump from the ring. Drop toe hold on Ziggler into an sft (and loses a shoe in the process), but there’s no ref. Suddenly Big E is there and takes Cena out. He puts Ziggler across Cena and flees. A ref runs out to the ring, counts, but Cena kicks out. Super Cena awakens grabs Ziggler and hits an AA out of nowhere for three.
Winner – Cena (17:13)
Cena celebrates, grabs his shoe, realizes it won’t go on easily, so he chucks it out of the ring to his bestie, Cole, who catches it with a big smile. Video of the high points of the match. Cena shakes hands on his way up the ramp, not wearing any sneakers – no clue where the other one went.
Divas Championship Match – Eve (c) vs Kaitlyn
Eve to the ring, all smiles.
Kaitlyn is in the ring and ready.
They circle, then lock up. Side headlock on Kaitlyn, then Eve hakes her down hard that way! Eve keeps the hold on. Kaitlyn locks her legs around Eve’s neck to get free. Eve fights free and locks a old on Kaitlyn’s left leg on the mat. Eve works down to that left ankle, bringing Kaitlyn to a head stands where Kaitlyn flips free sending Eve flying. The fer keeps Kaitlyn back and tells her to tie her laces, but then Eve kicks Kaitlyn in her head when she tries.
Hair mare on Kaitlyn, then she stomps Kaitlyn in a corner. Eve sits up top and chokes Kaitlyn off her feet. Eve waves and smiles at the fans, then kicks Kaitlyn away. Eve with a chinlock on Kaitlyn, bending her backward, but Kaitlyn free and fights back with a side slam for two. A big drop kick, then a back DDT on Eve for two. Eve telegraphs and is kicked for it. Kaitlyn gets Eve up on her shoulders, but Eve flees and from the ring. Kaitlyn rolls her back in. Eve back out, grabs her belt and over the barrier into the stands. Kaitlyn back into the ring as Eve is counted out.
Winner – Kaitlyn (4:40)
Kaitlyn is in the ring pissed that she won by count out. Eve is laughing by the stage.
Santino is talking to Steamboat about WrestleMania 3 and his being Santino’s favorite match. Barrett comes in and calls Steamboat a has-been and Santino a never been. Says Dragon is an old man blowing smoke. Barrett leaves and Dragon wants to be in Santino’s corner to show how much smoke he can breathe.
Striker says Orton will be in the Royal Rumble this year, as will Sheamus. Orton says he’s won before and will win again. 3MB comes in and Slater says they’re in the Royal Rumble, and one will go on to victory at WrestleMania. Orton asks who will face Orton tonight? Slater says to pick one. Orton says after tonight Slater won’t be playing lead guitar, he’ll be playing the harp.
In Ring Segment
Kane out and calls fire from all four. Bryan out yelling “NO!” “NO!” “NO!” to “YES!” “YES!” “YES!” from the fans. Trending right now is #RockOnRaw
Team Hell No vs Team Rhodes Scholars
Team Rhodes Scholars in the ring.
Rhodes hides in the ropes from Kane, then rushes out only to be hit to the mat. Kane on Rhodes in a corner, then whips him. Sandow tags in and is slammed to the mat. Kane with a big drop kick to a sitting Sandow for two. Bryan tags in and is whipped into a drop kick on Sandow in the face corner for two. Arm buster on Sandow into a hammerlock on the mat. King is making terribly silly jokes and puns at announce. Rhodes tags in with a big drop kick on Bryan, but Bryan back with kicks on a sitting Rhodes. Bryan misses wildly with a kick, but comes back with a sick bridging suplex for two.
Bryan with an upper cut, but Rhodes back with a sick elbow. Sandow tags in and stomps Bryan in the heel corner. Sandow drops a knee on Bryan for two. Rhodes tags in and on Bryan from behind. Rhodes yells, “You’ve got a goat face!” at Bryan as he attacks him. Sandow tags in and on Bryan with blows in the heel corner. Side Russian leg sweep into the elbow of disdain, “You’re welcome!” Sandow with knees to Bryan’s side and into a chinlock on Bryan on the mat. Bryan elbows free, jumps over Sandow and tags out!
Kane climbs, slips, Sandow rushes him, but Kane takes him down. Kane takes down Rhodes’ then on Sandow. Kane with his sidewalk slam on Sandow for two. Sandow sees Kane setting up for the chokeslam and flees the ring. Bryan off the barrier with a knee to Sandow’s head. Sandow rolls in and gets knees to the face and chest from Bryan who tagged in. Bryan runs up the corner and flips over Sandow. Bryan sells a tweaked ankle, but Sandow attacks the knee. Rhodes then locks up Bryan’s knee in the ropes. Rhodes distracts the ref and Sandow attacks the knee. Kane takes Sandow out as Rhodes on Bryan’s knee. Bryan manages to take Rhodes down for two, but Rhodes with cross Rhodes for three.
Winners – Team Rhodes Scholars (7:10)
Team Rhodes Scholars point and laugh as they back up the ramp.
The high points of Cena versus Ziggler to start the show.
Orton is heading to the ring to face Slater.
Slater w/ 3MB vs Orton
3MB are in the ring playing air guitar. Orton out to face Slater.
3MB leave the ring and Slater on Orton, but out back on Slater with a shoulder block. Orton runs the ropes over and under Slater into a hip toss, but then Orton takes Slater down for two. Slater back with blows on Orton, but the ref pulls Slater back and Orton back on him with kicks. Slater to the mat, then cowers, but sends Orton out. Both Drew and Mahal pay for going after Orton. Slater with a drop kick through the ropes on Orton, then 3MB attack him outside. Slater goes out, sends Orton back in and pins for two.
Chinlock on Orton, but he’s quickly to his feet. But then Orton drops to one knee. Slater keeps the hold on tight, but Orton up and elbows out. Slater wiggles from a scoop slam and takes Orton down in a strange DDT in a corner for a long two. Orton looks a bit shaken, or is actually selling well. Slater up, but Orton knocks him silly. Orton climbs and beautifully hits his father’s famous superplex. Slater up into a couple sick clotheslines, then ‘vintage’ Orton with his power slam. Drew distracts, but Slater ends up on the apron and eating Orton’s DDT. The fans go wild! Orton pounds the mat, but only twice and very lightly, then hits his RKO for three.
Winner – Orton (4:27)
Mahal attacks Orton from behind. RKO to Mahal! RKO to Drew. Orton poses for the fans.
Santino w/ Dragon vs Barrett
Barrett is in the ring, Santino and Dragon to join him.
Santino ducks Barrett and hits a deep arm drag, but Barrett back and takes Santino down with a kick to the face. Dragon cheers Santino on from outside. Snap suplex on Santino for two. Chinlock on Santino on the mat as Dragon encourages him. Santino fights back with a suplerkick for a long two! Santino on Barrett with kicks, then drops to avoid Barrett. Hip toss on Barrett and out comes the cobra! Barrett drops and leaves the ring, but hands Santino up top. Barrett in and lowers the elbow pad. Elbow to Santino’s face for three.
Winner – Barrett (2:22)
Cole and King talk up the Brisco Brothers Body Shop, Jerry being there for this show, and how they’ve been there 40 years. Dragon in to check on Santino. Barrett looks like he’s going to go after Dragon, but is stared down. Dragon removes his jacket, but Barrett thinks better of it and leave the ring.
Striker with Sheamus and says he won Royal Rumble Match and beat Bryan in 18 seconds at WrestleMania. Can he do it again? Sheamus says he doubts it. He can win the Royal Rumble Match and the WHC, but not in 18 seconds. Oh, look who it is 3MBeaver! What’s the crack lads? Why do they looks so glum? Break a guitar string? Got laryngitis? Can’t dance and can’t sing, probably go a long way! Or is it the fact that they got their arse handed to them by Orton. Slater says Orton was lucky! Sheamus says to cheer up, they should sing a song, who can sing soprano? Mahal looks like a good one! Whoever’s left standing after a brogue kick can sing Danny Boy with him! They look lost, so Sheamus starts singing Danny Boy, but 3MB still don’t get it and Sheamus isn’t impressed. See you out there, fellas!
Cesaro vs Khali w/ Hornswoggle & Natalya
Khali, Hornswoggle and Natalya in the ring, Miz on announce as Cesaro heads to the ring waving his flag.
Cesaro on Khali with blows to the head, but a clothesline takes him down. Cesaro in a corner and slapped in the chest. Into the next corner and another chest slap. Natalya and Hornswoggle clap for Khali. Cesaro leaves the ring. Back up on the apron and Khali brings him into the ring by his head. Cesaro to the apron again, but this time hangs Khali up top. Cesaro rushes Khali who puts up a foot, but Cesaro goes after the lower leg. Cesaro drops elbows on that left leg on the mat. Cesaro locks up Khali’s left leg. “Miz is awesome!” chants which Miz loves as he’s not even in the match.
Cesaro rushes Khali in a corner, but eats elbows. Cesaro into clotheslines from Khali. Khali grabs Cesaro, but is kicked, then Cesaro with an upper cut. The next upper cut knocks Khali off his feet. Cesaro sets up and hits his neutralizers on Khali (it is sick!) for three.
Winner – Cesaro (3:23)
Video of the high points, including that amazing finisher from Cesaro! Cesaro holds his belt up and glares out at Miz.
Heyman on his cell explaining TLC, but Maddox is there ‘Pssst’ing at him. Heyman says he doesn’t want Maddox in his life! Maddox asks who the hell Heyman thinks he is! He won’t be talked to that way when he knows he can be at service to them. He has his ref shirt and will talk to Vickie about being put in Punk’s match. Heyman doesn’t want him talking to Vickie, or Heyman or Punk. He doesn’t want to hear Maddox again. Maddox ever ‘Pssst’ him again, he won’t.
In Ring Segment
Sheamus to the ring.
Sheamus vs Mahal w/ 3MB
Sheamus and Mahal lock up, Sheamus backed into a corner, Mahal reverses it and hits a headlock takeover on Mahal. Mahal comes back with a shoulder block, but then celebrates too much. Sheamus grabs Mahal’s nose and comes back with a shoulder block of his own. Sheamus jumps back and forth over Mahal a couple times, then kicks him in the bum. Mahal isn’t impressed. Mahal comes back by grabbing Sheamus’ arse! Sheamus is none too impressed with this, but makes a big joke of it making Mahal look like a fool. Sheamus sends Mahal out over the top, then pulls him up for forearms over the top. Drew up and eats a forearm, then ten forearms over the top! Mahal back in, but telegraphs and is kicked. Drew distracts Sheamus who eats Mahal’s kick. Outside Sheamus eats a clothesline. Back in the ring Mahal gets two. Mahal stomps Sheamus as Drew yells at Mahal to stay on Sheamus.
Facelock on Sheamus through, “Let’s go Sheamus!” chants. Sheamus to his feet with his double hand clotheslines, then gets Mahal up, but Slater to the apron. Sheamus pulls Slater in and sends him face first into Mahal’s crotch, then double clotheslines them from the ring. Sheamus goes out, rolls Mahal back in, then a brogue kick to Drew. Back in the ring and Slater on the apron eats a brogue kick. Sheamus gets Mahal up easily and hits white noise. Sheamus gets the fans riled up and hits his brogue kick for three.
Winner – Sheamus (6:07)
Sheamus celebrates his win. Video of the three brogue kicks. Back to Sheamus celebrating in the ring. His bottom lip is a bit bloody, but only a few drops.
Cole talks about the TLC Match coming up next. They go into a video of Punk retaining his WWE Championship through whatever means necessary. Ryback took out Punk’s knee, causing Punk to need emergency surgery. Punk came out to the ring with his doctor last week, but was told he couldn’t be cleared to compete this week. VKM came out and said that WWE officials will be evaluating Punk. Their doctor cleared Punk, so he is able to compete tonight. Ryback is ready to feast on Punk. After the video, the WWE Title is shown hanging over the ring. There’s tables, ladders and chairs all over the arena.
John Gruden is ringside. They then go to video of Big E getting involved with Dolph and Cena’s match, but Super Cena pulled out the win.
TLC WWE Championship Match – CM Punk (c) w/ Heyman vs Ryback
Punk out with Heyman in tow, but Heyman is empty handed as the belt is handing over the ring. Punk, on stage, ducks under one of the ladders as he heads for the ring. Heyman head to his hands in mortification of Punk taking such chances. Superstitious much? Punk stares into the camera and smirks as he poses in the ring and waits. “Feed me more!” Out comes Ryback in his purple singlet. “Feed me more!” chant as the bell rings.
Punk on Ryback with blows, forearms and kicks in a corner. Ryback in the opposite corner with shoulder blocks. Punk whipped then stomped down to “Goldberg!” chants. Punk rolls out of the ring, Ryback after him, but Punk with a chair. Ryback down. Another chair shot, this to Ryback’s back, but he comes back and tackles Punk and punches on him. Ryback with a chair follows Punk around the ring. Ryback swings, Punk moves and Punk kicks Ryback in the gut. Chair shot to Ryback’s side. Ryback into the barrier and more “Goldberg!” chants. A ladder sent into the ring, and Ryback gains some control
Ryback with some control sends Punk in. Ryback with a really long delayed vertical, turns to make sure the ladder is where it should be, then turns back and lands Punk back first on the ladder. Video recap.
Punk rolls out, Ryback after him. Ryback with the top of the stairs into pnk’side. Ryback with the bottom of the stairs and “YES!” “YES!” “YES!” chants,but Punk rolls out of the way of the falling stairs. Punk then used the stairs to gain height and a knee into Ryback’s face. Punk starts beating on Ryback with the top of a chair to the side and gut, then the full chair shot on Ryback’s back.
Ryback with an electric chair on Punk, but not seen, only heard from Cole. Punk slides out, Ryback out and slams Punk on the floor. Ryback grabs a chair and leans it on the barrier. Ryback turns into the top of a chair to his gut. Heyman leans on the stairs and yells smack at Ryback. Punk sets up a table, then grabs Ryback, but Ryback reverses on Punk and sends him across the top of announce. Then Ryback slams the announce shield down on Punk. Punk rolled in, Ryback behind him, but Punk with a chop block on Ryback’s right knee.
Punk out and returns with a chair. There’s a ladder set up in the middle of the ring already. The top of the chair down on Ryback’s right knee, leg and ankle. Punk puts the chair on Ryback’s ankle and Punk off the corner, but Ryback moves and Punk favors his knee. Clotheslines to Punk, then a spinebuster. Ryback gets the “Feed me more!” chants going. The big meathook clothesline on Punk. Ryback grabs Punk and gets him up, but Punk wiggles free. Ryback out and rushes Punk, but Punk side steps and Ryback goes through the table he’d leaned against the barrier before the break.
Heyman yells at Punk, telling him to get in. Punk in, sets up the ladder and starts climbing. Ryback in and starts climbing. They’re at the top and throwing punches. Punk knocked off. Punk pushes the ladder over. Ryback lands on his feet, but grabs Punk high and slams him into the ladder – Punk’s facial expressions sell the move as the ladder twists. Punk back on Ryback’s knee and ankle. Punk with his high knee in the corner on Ryback. Punk tries to set up the ladder, but it’s a mess. Another high knee and Punk looks like he’s going for the bulldog, but Ryback elevates him over the top and lands him through the table Punk earlier set up outside.
Ryback out and sends a new ladder in. Ryback climbs, gets to the top, grabs the belt, but the lights go out! The lights come back on and The Shield is there, on the ladder attacking Ryback! Ryback punches at Rollins and Ambrose, but Reigns pulls Ryback down and is clotheslined from the ring. Ambrose and Rollins taken down and Ryback tries to climb, but the ladder is busted. They’re back on Ryback hard, beating him down with chairs. Rollins and Ambrose bring Ryback over, elevate him, then the three of them slam him through a table onto the top of the stairs! The Shield flees the area.
Punk slowly pulls himself up and into the ring. Slowly pulls himself up the ladder and smiles at the top. Ryback, all the while looks like he’s trying to move, but is too beaten down. Punk smiles at the fans and he unhooks the belt to retain his WWE Championship!
Winner – Punk (18:52)
Video recap of the high points of the match, including The Shield’s attack on Ryback and Punk’s smile before unhooking his WWE Title from up high. Heyman is standing on the apron clapping and crying as Punk sits up top of the ladder, straddling it, holding the end of the belt in his teeth! Cole says that Punk will face The Rock at Royal Rumble.
Striker in and interrupts Heyman saying 414 days. Punk says he’s there to ask about Ryback, Maddox and The Shield? Well, The Rock is there to entertain, but Punk is most dangerous with a mic in his hand. Before The Rock talks, Punk’s going out to drop another pipe bomb.
Ice on a knee, it’s Bryan. Kane asks how his knee is doing. Bryan says it would be better if Kane was out there to help him in the match! It’s Kane’s fault they lost. Kane says it’s Bryan’s fault. “NO!” “YES!” “NO!” “YES!” “NO!” “YES!” “NO!” “YES!” “NO!”
Kane asks Vickie why she was yelling. Bryan agrees with Kane.
Vickie says coming into this job she was privy to Kane’s mental health issues and Bryan’s anger management issues. They will have their 4 month follow up evaluations next week from Doctor Shelby.
Kane says Shelby is a monster. Bryan says he’s a nerd. They go back and forth arguing. Kane then says Shelby’s a nerd, so Bryan changes to monster and they go back to yelling at each other as their segment ends.
Cole and King talk about Big Show, then to video of Big Show facing Ricardo last week, was about to punch him out, so ADR got involved and saved his friend. This week on Smackdown ADR will be facing Big Show, to take him out for his friend.
Kofi vs Big Show
Kofi out to the ring.
Big Show is in the ring.
Kofi on Big Show fast with kicks as the bell rang. The ref pulls Kofi off, but as he’s being pulled off Big Show punches Kofi over the ref’s shoulder. Kofi is out. Big Show covers for three.
Winner – Big Show (0:20)
Video recap of the whole match. Big Show walking up the ramp actually slaps hands with a couple people – strange for a heel.
On 1000th RAW Cena had the STF on Punk. Big Show came out and attacked Cena. The Rock out to help, but then Punk out and took The Rock out with a clothesline and GTS.
In Ring Segment
Punk to the ring. Video of The Shield stopping Ryback from beating Punk. Heyman holds the WWE Championship high in the air behind Punk. Punk has blood on his shirt. He says the time has come to tell us all something very personal. He keeps his ear to the ground and listens to what’s going on. It seems the term pipe bomb has been misunderstood. It seems that people in the ‘Universe’ (Punk rolls his eyes at this word) understands, or in this company understand what it is. What a pipe bomb is, in its truest form, is the truth. Honest. Boil it down and the pipe bomb is the truth. He was the disgruntled one who sat down and became the voice of the voiceless. Then maybe his ego was like a runaway train and bitched and moaned and complained about respect and how he didn’t get enough of it. Then he turned his back on the people. That’s a lie. Don’t be mistaken. He meant everything he said when he said it, except about ice cream. Looking around and the last thing you people need is ice cream.
But he was short changed and disrespected, and he could have swallowed that bitter pill like and accepted his role in this company like everyone else in the back. Or he could have left. Instead he made a conscious decision and sold out. Sold out to the fans. He created this persona, character, this rebel, this anti-hero that you all loved to cheer for because you love to cheer for superheros. The truth about the WWE is that it doesn’t matter if you’re the best wrestler, the best talker, the best performer, if you make the clowns on commentary look like amateur hour, there’s a glass ceiling and no one’s allowed to break it. The more popular you are, the more money you make.
Look at Cena, the man who has admittedly had the worst year of his career. Why a serious grappler like Bryan belittles himself. Or why Clay soils his hands by touching you children and dancing for you. Why an invisible child has a better position on the flagship show than a work horse like Tyson Kidd! They clap. You’re playing into my hands. It’s easy, simple to digest because you can’t stomach anything interesting. They’re all there to entertain you! Nobody’s been able to attain a modicum of success without you, until now. I’ve become the most successful Champion of all time. Not the modern era. That’s a buzz word, a way to sell merch. Put it on a shirt and sell it.
If I competed in Sanmartino’s time, he’s be Champ for 20 years, no, 30 years. That’s what you get for wrestling once a month at MSG. You don’t see guys like Hogan wrestle TLC Matches with guys like Ryback. Because he had it easy. He wrestles demanding matches on free TV every week. One year now equals 30 of their’s.
It’s not because of you. I’m not successful because of you. I’m successful in spite of you. He’s the most honest guy in the company. He comes out and tells the truth. Everyone else comes out and says they do it for the people. Let’s here it for Tampa! Cheap pop from the fans. Here’s some honesty. He saw Piper crack a coconut over Snuka’s head and didn’t say he wanted to electrify Tampa! No! He doesn’t care about the people of Tampa Bay. There’s good guys and bad guys, and he’s a bad, bad man who can freely admit it. Flair will come out and cry his 182 year eyes out. HBK can lose his smile and find his smile, but in a HOF speech says he did it all for them. Edge can’t work and misses the people. Either their dishonest, or liars. He’s neither weak or dishonest, he’s the best in the world. “Rocky!”chants.
Two types of people on this earth. Those in the spotlight, and those who pay to see those in the spotlight. There’s winners and losers, guess which one you are! You’re born to see champs like him. He’ll admit that he’s never done this for any of you. He’s a Superstar, you’re all nobodies. If they’re your friends, why don’t they line your pockets?
A guy on the apron telling Punk to wrap it up. Punk says they don’t go to break when they want to go to break, they go when the Champ wants to go. The Rock will be out to tell everyone what they want to hear, but Punk will tell the truth. You do not matter (pointing at fans). You do not matter (pointing in another direction). You do not matter (again at more fans) as the show goes to commercial.
Punk is still in the ring. He stands there on the first RAW of 2013. He promises to stand there on the first RAW of 2014 still as Champ. He won’t let the superheros take him down. He won’t let The Rock beat him. When he bear ADR for the Title, he beat the system. Every time after that when he beat our superheros, be it Cena, Ryback, Jericho, Big Show, Kane, Ziggler, any of the litany of Superstars, he wasn’t just beating them, but beating all of us. 414 days jerks, I’ve beaten you. I don’t care of The Rock’s back, you’re losers, you don’t get to win. You are losers and do not get to win.
If you smell and out comes The Great One! He smiles and waves from one side of the stage and the other. Wearing a just bring it shirt, he heads to the ring, poses on a corner and the place is wild! Into the ring, to the opposite corner to pose and the fans are crazy. The Rock calls for a mic, then zeros in on Punk.
The Rock had to hear it all. The Rock had to hear all he had to say to know who he’s dealing with at the Royal Rumble. Now it’s crystal clear to The Rock what he is. Punk is delusional. You keep mentioning 414 days you’ve been Champ. The real number that haunts his dreams is 20. 20 excuses running around in your head. 20 hairs raised up on your scrotum. You know in 20 days you’re going to be defending against The Rock. In 20 days, times up.
“Rocky!” chants as Punk glares. You wanted change. When you became WWE Champ you rejected the people. No, the people rejected you. You talked about change and revolution and you couldn’t do it. You came out and you promised ice cream bars and couldn’t do that! You couldn’t do it if the Dairy Queen, Carvel, and Cookie Puss drove the ice cream truck straight up your ass!
The Rock pauses and waits.
He wants Punk to listen to the voices. He claims to be the voice of the voiceless. That’s hot garbage. In the ‘Universe’ there’s no such things as the voiceless. They love to use their voices every night. They know something special is about to happen right now. They’re going to chant the loudest voice, chant something that will follow Punk for the rest of his life. They’re not going to chant ‘respect’ not going to chant ‘best in the world’, they’re going to chant what Punk is, ‘Cookie Puss’! Of course the fans start chanting “Cookie Puss!”
Punk calls for the fans to be the puppets they are! He got them chanting about ice cream the way Punk did a year ago! Congratulations. They still don’t get to win. You don’t get to win!
The Rock says they don’t get to win? They’ve already won! They won the moment The Rock woke up at 4am. He sent out his morning Tweet to the world. The Rock at his pancakes. Then The Rock went to the gym – clangin’ an’ bangin’, clangin’ an’ bangin’! He drove up I75, right up Alligator Alley! So The Rock could stand there in front of you and in front of them so The Rock could say. Finally, The Rock has come back to Tampa! The fans go wild.
The Rock circles Punk and puts up a finger and a “Rocky!” chant starts. The Rock says it’s not just that The Rock is back, but why The Rock is back. Here’s why The Rock is back. Three reasons. The Rock is back to entertain them! The Rock is back to stop you! And after ten long years, The Rock is back to win that. The Rock has watched the show, every RAW, watching Punk, yelling at the TV for someone to tell this man that they respect him just so that you would shut your punk ass up. While you’re at it, someone call a doctor, because someone who’s claiming he’s straight edge, he’s running around here looking like Popeye on crack!
Popeye the crackhead. All you need is the little thing in your mouth, a little toot-toot! The Rock says Punk’s name, then stops for a ‘Cookie Puss’ chant. Punk has one of the most creative and innovative minds in the history of the WWE, but fails to use it. He became WWE Champ and the biggest jerk the world has seen. The Rock can look Punk in the eye with all passion, don’t you ever say the people don’t matter. They always matter, Punk’s the one that doesn’t matter.
Punk starts to say that he matters, he’s the most successful…
It doesn’t matter if you matter! The only thing that you get it straight in your head that at the Royal Rumble there’s no way, and The Rock means no way he will stop The Rock from becoming WWE Champion.
They circle each other. Punk lays the strap on the mat between them.
Punk gets up in The Rock’s face and says that unlike a lot of people, he’s glad The Rock’s back. He doesn’t care what The Rock’s schedule is, if he works 16 days a year, 365 days a year, Santa Clause it and work his schedule of one day a year, Punk will still kick his ass. He doesn’t care how many movies he makes, and he’s sure it’s a hard schedule. Doesn’t matter when The Rock comes back, he will kick his ass. The Rock can make fun of the color of his shirt, and make jokes about pie, and sing song, and use the same tired lame ass schtick, he just want The Rock to know that when it comes to the Royal Rumble, Punk going to kick The Rock’s ass. I’m the best in the world. I’m the best in the world. The Rock just came up from the kiddie table, but he bit off more than he can chew! Stop playing little league with his rhymes and his finally’s and his million’s and million’s, and Punk’s swinging from the fence. It’s all kiddy games. You can’t leave a mark on the Champ’s face. When The Rock gets in the ring at the Royal Rumble, his arms are just too short to box with God.
They’re right up, staring down, almost nose to nose.
You may think The Rock is boxing with God, but I know you’re going one on one with The Great One. Don’t you think for one solitary second that The Rock doesn’t know how bad you are, how dangerous you are, how tough you are. 414 days, the last time they were in the ring a GTS knocked The Rock cold. In 20 days, times up. But here’s the thing, this is what The Rock wants you to go home and think about the next 20 days. In fact, The Rock wants you to go home and look in the mirror. Go home and look in the mirror and go ahead and strip down! Don’t focus on your Cookie Puss, turn around and look at your backside, and let’s try and see if you can find two places on your body that’s not covered in ugly tattoos. Because The Rock wants you to get two more tattoos. Here’s the thing, on your left butt cheek, The Rock wants you to get a tattoo of a big fat M&M, and then add a Snickers, Milky Way, a Mounds, but not an Almond Joy, because unlike you, Almond Joys actually have nuts. And then on your right butt cheek The Rock wants you to get a tattoo of his size 15 shoe, so you will have a lifetime reminder of how bad The Rock will kick your candy ass at the Royal Rumble!
The Rock immediately drops the mic, grabs Punk and nails a Rock bottom! Punk rolls from the ring and looks shaken, but the fans are chanting “Rocky!” as he paces in the ring and talks smack off mic. Punk holds his belt in his lap as he sits there, holds the back of his neck and smirks. More smack from The Rock, then he holds up two fingers, then a zero. Punk to his feet, still staring and limps back a few steps.
Ziggler & AJ & Big E