RAW Results – Cena’s Flinging Poo & Taking Names

Show Starts

Miz TV

Miz out to his set on the stage. He welcomes everyone to his show, it’s definitely going to must see! Vickie says it’s Champion’s Choice Night. All champs get to pick their opponent. His guest is a 10 time Champ! He’s been a guest before, and the guest right now, John Cena!

Cena out and sits, wishing everyone a Happy Holidays and Happy New Year. Miz says the last time he was there was the AJ Scandal. They were the feel good story of 2012, then she pushed him off a ladder. She says he toyed with her emotions and used her. Miz wants to know what Cena has to say, what does he really think of AJ.

Cena says it’s over.

Really? Really? Really? AJ and Ziggler invited Cena to a New Year’s toast. Will he be there? Cena says he was invited and will be there. Maybe they will watch the ball drop. Maybe they’ll watch something else drop. Maybe they’ll watch someone else drop.

Team Rhodes Scholars come out cutting Cena off. Sandow says, T.S. Elliot once said, “This is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a whimper.” Silence! Silence!

“Blu-bluh-blu-blu, Spalding, get your foot off the boat,” in a very Thurston Howell III from Gilligan’s Island voice. “I believe it was the famous poet, Robert Griffin III that once said, and I quote, ‘You guys suck!’”

Sandow said of all the greats he’s studied, he’s never heard of that man. Heat for Sandow, he tells them to shut up. He calls Miz a mouth breathing miscreant. Sandow says that once again Miz chooses to highlight this disgusting scandal.

Cena says he agree with Sandow on this, but there’s, “something else we should totally focus on. Maybe, maybe there’s another issue that’s facing us right now.” The whole time Cena is staring, almost transfixed at Cody’s face. Cena scratches his head and says, “An issue that’s totally growing out of proportion. It’s everywhere.” Cena gets right up next to Cody’s top lip, staring right at it. “Don’t move, I just want to see it, up close. Pretend I’m not even here.” Cody pushes Cena away in disgust.

“How dare you? You think you’re so funny John. You know what sucked, as you so eloquently put it? When the two of you went up against Big E and Ziggler, and both ended up laid out. For both of you at least.” Sandow concurs. Sandow says they went from main eventing WrestleMania to being in the shadow of Team Rhodes Scholars. He has a proposed New Year’s Resolution for them…

Cena pulls Miz aside and says they put their problems of the past aside, clean slate, bygones be bygones. Then Gandalf and Magnum PI here can lace up their their fighting boots and meet them in the ring right now. Cena’s voice cracks as he heads for the ring. Team Rhodes Scholars stand around for a moment, then head to the ring.

Cena & Miz vs Team Rhodes Scholars

Side headlock on Cena. He pushed out and shoulder blocks Rhodes to a loud “Cody’ mustache!” chant. Miz tags in and comes off the top onto Rhodes’ arm as Cena held it. Sandow tags in. dueling chants for Cena.

Sandow on Miz with side headlock into a shoulder block. Flapjack on Sandow who rolls out and is tended to by Rhodes.

>Commercial

Sandow whipped, comes out into a fisherman’s suplex. Dueling chants for Cena. Cena locked onto Sandow’s head, but Sandow elbows out and sent flying to the mat. Miz tags in and on Sandow with a kick to the ribs. Sandow gets an elbow up into Sandow’s face, but Sandow brings Miz into the heel corner and tags out. Rhodes on Miz while the fans chant how awesome Miz is. Rhodes face first into a corner, then Miz on him with blows that the fans count to nine, then one to Sandow on the apron, and the 10th on Rhodes for two. Rhodes comes back with a big upper cut on Miz, then pounds him down in the heel corner. Sandow tags in.

Blows on Miz, then he’s slammed face first to the mat. Sandow stomps Miz’s ribs for two. Sandow hits his elbow of disdain, “You’re welcome!” Rhodes tags in and head butts Miz onto the mat. “Mustache!” chants. Chinlock on Miz on the mat, but he gets to his feet and fights back, but doesn’t get far. Miz hung on the ropes and kicked by Cody.

Sandow tags in and keeps Miz form his corner. Small package on Miz for two. Rhodes tags in and keeps Miz from Cena, slams him hard to the mat for two. An arm hold on Miz on the mat as Rhodes yells at him to give up. Miz to his feet and throws some shots at Rhodes, but is slammed back to the mat. Miz brought to the heel corner and Sandow tags in. Snap mare on Miz, then forearms over his chest and knee drops. Rhodes tags in and continues on Miz, until he’s tossed off and lands on his bum. Both men are down and their opponents want in.

Both men tag out. Shoulder blocks to Sandow, then Sandow slammed to the mat. 5 knuckle shuffle to Sandow, but then Rhodes with a disaster kick on Cena. SCF on Rhodes. Miz ducks Sandow, but Cena elevates him and hits the AA for three.

Winners – Cena & Miz (12:03)

Cena and Miz celebrate in the ring together. Video of the end of the match. Cena and Miz still celebrating in the ring, and the fans are loving it.

Backstage Segment

New Year’s Eve party going on. Otunga talks to Vickie about how 2013 will be a great year. Vickie thanks him for coming. He leaves, then Ziggler is there thanking her for the invite, but she didn’t invite him. He wants bygones to be bygones. Vickie hopes he and his girlfriend are happy. Oh, and he has a match tonight, against Sheamus.

>Commercial

Backstage Segment

Vickie and Aksana are talking to Prime Time Players who are all catchphrase-y. Then Punk is there complaining about the pencil necked geeks who don’t believe he’s injured. He has his doctor he wants to bring to the ring. And he wants to compete.

Vickie asks who he would have picked to face?

Ryback, of course!

So Ryback is in a match, but against who? Punk whispers in her ear. The Shield? She doesn’t think that’s fair. Punk says that Punk’s not treated fair, and neither is Vickie. Vickie says Ryback’s in a Handicap Match against The Shield. Punk gets all nicey-nicey to Vickie, kisses her on the cheek and wishes her a Happy New Year and leaves. Vickie and Heyman look at each other uncomfortably before wishing each other Happy New Year and him leaving.

US Title Match – Cesaro vs Sgt. Slaughter

Cesaro is in the ring. He says he’s in the capital of the United States, Washington DC, as our US Champion. He went sight seeing. The Washington Monument, Lincoln Memorial, Pentagon – all things he Champion of. While there he ran into a man who’s full of so-called patriotism, a man synonymous with the red, white and blue. The man he chose to face tonight. A man who’s the symbol of America itself. Sgt. Slaughter! Slaughter out to the ring, flag in hand. He kisses the flag before handing it off.

They lock up. Hammer lock on Slaughter, but then reversed and Cesaro touts himself and Slaughter isn’t impressed. Cesaro into the ropes, so Slaughter slaps him in the back. Cesaro on Slaughter, into a side headlock on Slaughter. Slaughter elbows free, then slaps to his chest. Slaughter telegraphs and is kicked. Slaughter manages to lock on the cobra clutch, but Cesaro to the ropes. Upper cut from Cesaro. Cesaro sets Slaughter up and hits the neutralizer for three.

Winner – Cesaro (1:48)

Cesaro celebrates, but then grabs Slaughter and hits the neutralizer again! Cesaro scuffs his feet back as if kicking dirt onto Slaughter’s prone body.

>Commercial

Backstage Segment

Bryan and Kane pacing back and forth in opposite directions. Kane wanted to pick The Shield as their opponents. But who can they fight now? They hear this horrible caterwauling. They go in and see 3MB. Didn’t they see 3MB trying to rehearse? Bryan says “YES!” “YES!” “YES!” Kane nods and they leave. 3MB are incensed.

Backstage Segment

Back to the party. Ricardo is pouring himself a drink. Big Show walks up and speaks in Spanish to him. He offers Ricardo a chance at the Title. Big Show is picking Ricardo. Ricardo drops his drink. Big Show grabs Ricardo by the neck and says, “You dropped your drink on my boot.” Ricardo wipes it off with a napkin, then stands up. Big Show leans in closely and menacingly says, “Good luck.”

On the other side of the room the Divas are partying. Kaitlyn brings in Mae Young wearing a horrible party hat. They are all happy to see her, but then Eve pushes in and calls Mae the WWE’s favorite octogenarian. Eve says she’s beaten all the Divas. Mae says Eve can’t beat her. Eve tells Mae that she’ll see her in the ring.

Tag Team Championship Match – Team Hell No vs 3MB

Kane out to the ring, calls fire from all four. Bryan out yelling “NO!” “NO!” “NO!” to the fans’ “YES!” “YES!” “YES!” Bryan got into a yelling match with a tween girl ringside.

>Commercial

3MB is in the ring. The ref shows the belts.

Slater and Bryan circle, then lock up. Nice arm drag on Bryan. Slater plays air guitar as Cole makes his Mahal air citar joke, again. Shoulder block to Slater, then Slater tries to jump over Bryan, but Bryan grabs a leg and Slater lands on his face. Bryan then pulls Slater up in a surf board and holds him pinned as Kane tags in and hits a low drop kick on Slater for two.

Slater tags out, but Kane on Drew hard with blows. Bryan tags in with a drop kick on Drew in a corner. Drew fights back and stomps Bryan, but not for long as Bryan kicks away at Drew’s legs. Slater gets the blind tag and pulls the ropes for Bryan to fall out. Mahal with a knee to Bryan’s face out there. Back in the ring Slater pins for two. Chinlock on Bryan, but Bryan up and elbows out. Bryan face first into a corner, then out and taken down for two. King says he was in a couple bands. One called White Line, but they were just middle of the road. Then one called Holding Pattern, but they never took off. Both King and Cole get the giggles over this.

Bryan and Slater run the ropes and collide in the center of the ring. Both men are down and crawling. Slater tags out, Drew grabs Bryan’s ankle,but he gets free and Kane tags in with a big body slam, then a leg drop. Drew runs into a huge clothesline, then ‘vintage’ Kane with a sidewalks slam for two. Kane goes up top and comes at Drew with a huge clothesline. Slater comes in and sent over the top and out. Bryan off the apron onto Mahal. Drew tries to take advantage of Kane, but Kane takes Drew down and tags Bryan in. Bryan in off the corner with a flying head butt for three.

Winners – Team Hell No (6:10)

Team Hell No celebrate in the ring. Bryan plays air guitar on his belt, Kane doesn’t do the same.

Backstage Segment

Off mic Punk and Heyman are talking to Punk’s ‘doctor’ about his medical issues.

>Commercial

Video

Cena on Sandow with a 5 knuckle shuffle, but then Cena and Miz took care of Team Rhodes Scholars and got the win. King and Cole go through the Title Matches we’ve already seen tonight. Big Show will face Ricardo, and Eve will face Mae Young.

In Ring Segment

Punk’s music and he comes out hobbling on crutches, Heyman in tow and Punk’s ‘doctor’. Video from four weeks ago when Punk was celebrating in the ring, but Ryback came into the ring and shellshocked Punk, then hit Punk with a chair and put Punk through a table. From that Punk needed emergency surgery from that. Punk struggles through the ropes and into the ring with his followers.

Punk acting like he’s in a lot of pain, selling it on his face. Heyman introduces himself, then introduces Punk who has held the WWE Championship for every calendar days of this year, the man who’s held it 407 days!

Punk says what a year it’s been for him. Wrestling and besting names like Jericho, Ziggler, Big Show, ADR, Kane, Bryan, Cena, more than once, Ryback on numerous occasions. He’s accomplished a lot being Champ for 407 days, seeing things no one has seen, doing things no one can do, that’s a tough schedule. Obviously he’s been rendered injured. He’s had his fair share of contusions, lacerations, torn ligaments, chipped teeth, broken bones, but he’s endure and ties up his boots tight every night. If we dealt with a fraction of what he’s endured, we’d be in the fetal position, sucking on our thumbs, crying for our mommies. But Punk is a Champ. He’s a Champion’s Champion. He perseveres and stands tall. Even from the waves of disrespect from the WWE ‘Universe’. So many fans think this is felonious. That’s why he brought his doctor all the way from Chicago, Samuel DiSerro (but he was rushed to Florida for his knee surgery). He’s taken the Hippocratic Oath to practice medicine.

The ‘doctor’ says that in order to fully understand Punk’s injury…

Punk cuts in and demands respect for the doctor, this just gets them all so much more heat.

The doctor starts again, Heyman holding his mic for him through all this – to understand Punk’s injury, we have to understand what a healthy knee looks like. They show a healthy x-ray on the tron, then what’s supposed to be an x-ray of Punk’s knee beside it with arrows pointing to the ouchy spot. The ‘doctor’ says the meniscus is inflamed and there’s major swelling.

Punk says despite this injury and horrible swelling, he has a match next week with Ryback. He’s made a career out of beating people like Ryback. He wants Ryback to know that with one arm, he could beat Ryback. With one eye,he could beat him. Even if he has one leg, he will continue to do what he’s done for 407, prove us all wrong and prove he’s best in the world.

The ‘doctor’ says he can’t allow Punk to compete.

Punk says that backstage he told him that he could compete!

He did say that,but upon further review, he cannot, with good conscience, allow Punk to compete.

VKM’s music hits and out he comes in a dark gray plaid suit and that power walk to the ring. He apologizes for the interruption, but he had to come out and wish everyone Happy New Year! He also wants to know how Punk’s going to weasel his way out of this match.

Heyman grabs the mic and says Punk isn’t only the best in the world and the Champ for 407. He says Punk’s never weaseled his way out of anything.

VKM says WWE officials will evaluate Punk’s condition, and if they say he can compete, then Punk will defend against Ryback in a TLC Match.

Punk grabs a mic and says he knows VKM thinks he’s guilty of all these things he’s innocent of. Of hiring The Shield, of being in collusion with Brad Maddox, but he assures him. He’s surprised that VKM, a man unfairly prosecuted by our own government…

VKM says he’s not taking anything away from Punk, he’s an extraordinary athlete.

“I know,” replies Punk.

“There’s no question about that,” says VKM.

“Absolutely not,” replies Punk.

But there’s a great deal of conjecture as to why you’ve been Champion for so long. Speculation that he made a deal with a former ref by the name of Brad Maddox. Speculation as to whether they made a deal with The Shield.

Punk says this hurts from a man like VKM who’s been unfairly prosecuted by our government. Dr. Sam DiSotto says he can’t go against his orders. Again, he has nothing to do with The Shield, or Maddox!

VKM says the prosecution will continue.

Heyman goes on that VKM surprises him. Punk is what VKM has always wanted to promote. VKM is a hero! An injured hero! How dare he, in the same city that VKM’s father promoted sports entertainment. How dare he force and injured hero into combat. He’s turned into a flesh peddling promoter! Heyman slams down his mic and yells, over and over, “How dare you!”

VKM says that if the WWE officials says Punk can’t compete next week, then they will have to find another opponent for Ryback. “That opponent would be YOU!” VKM means Heyman. VKM says he think Punk will defend his Title against Ryback in a TLC Match. VKM leaves the ring. On the ramp VKM flexes his own knee, points to it and points to Punk as he talks to him off mic.

>Commercial

Ziggler w/ AJ & Big E vs Sheamus

Ziggler out with AJ and Big E. Video of Big E taking out Cena two weeks ago on Slammy Night. Sheamus out to face him.

Ziggler kicks Sheamus, then punches and back Sheamus into a corner. Elbows to the back of Sheamus’ head, but Sheamus comes out with blows. Ziggler face first into a corner and comes out into a big clothesline. Sheamus slams Ziggler to the mat and drops an elbow for two. Ziggler fights back with blows. Ziggler is running the ropes and Sheamus elevates him. Ziggler lands in an ungainly way, but is fine. Sheamus pins for two.

Sheamus telegraphs and is kicked for it. Ziggler to the apron and a high knee stops him. Sheamus with his forearms and the fans are counting, but Big E pulls Ziggler from the apron and leaves Sheamus standing there.

>Commercial

Side headlock on Sheamus. Sheamus to his feet and slams Ziggler to the mat with clotheslines. A high running knee to Ziggler. Sheamus gets Ziggler up, but he wiggles free. Ziggler on Sheamus with a big DDT for two. Ziggler is all smiles, points to AJ, then goes for an elbow drop on Sheamus for two. Sheamus, on his knees on Ziggler with blows, but a kick to Sheamus’ knee drops him to the mat. Lovely drop kick on Sheamus for two. Chinlock on Sheamus on the mat as AJ looks on adoringly. Ziggler takes Sheamus all the way down to the mat, body scissors on Sheamus. Sheamus starts to get a bit of steam and to his feet. Ziggler rushes Sheamus, but is grabbed and slammed to the mat for two.

Ziggler on the apron hangs Sheamus up top. Ziggler back up and climbs. Sheamus on him with a blow. Sheamus climbs, picks Ziggler up and lands a fall-away slam for two. Video replay of the big move. Sheamus to the apron and climbs, but Ziggler is there to knock Sheamus off balance. Ziggler up there and they exchange blows, but Ziggler knocked down. Ziggler back up and knocked down again. Sheamus up with a shoulder block off the top for a long two.

Sheamus sets up for the cloverleaf, but Ziggler to the ropes. Ziggler takes Sheamus’ knee out and goes for a DDT, but Ziggler caught in the air. Ziggler up and Sheamus hits white noise! Sheamus up and the fans are behind him. Big E grabs Sheamus’ ankle from outside. Ziggler grabs Sheamus, but Sheamus sends Ziggler out and Big E catches Ziggler in mid-air! The ref yells at Big E to stay out of the match. Big E on the apron, Sheamus with a smile on his face, but then The Shield is on Sheamus from behind!

Winner – Sheamus via DQ (12:52)

They are all on Sheamus in a corner, but then Sheamus sends Reigns out, then Ambrose, but Reigns back in with a spear and Sheamus is down. Ambrose is back in and the three are on him. Ambrose and Rollins gets Sheamus up and the three slam him to the mat. The three stands over Sheamus on the mat. Reigns yells, “Believe in The Shield!” The three then celebrate over Sheamus.

>Commercial

Video

Recap of Big E starting to get in the ring with Sheamus when he was facing Ziggler, but then The Shield was there and attacked Sheamus, really beat him down in the ring.

Backstage Segment

Kofi is asking how Sheamus is. Barrett comes up and tells the other guy to bugger off. Barrett says everyone’s picked their opponent, not Kofi. Trying to choose between Hornswoggle and Little Jimmy? Why not be a man and pick Barrett? Kofi says they might deserve it more, he’s beaten Barrett a couple times. He’s beaten Barrett before, and will beat him again.

Backstage Segment

Maddox in with his cameraman and Punk gets all pissy at him. Maddox says he lost his last chance and is looking for a job. Heyman says to get in the unemployment line, they can’t help him. Heyman puts down the belt and tells Maddox to get out of his face, the locker room and Heyman’s life. Punk laughs through this, and continues to laugh after Maddox stomps out.

Backstage Segment

Mae Young is having stomach pains. Kaitlyn, Layla and the other Divas are there with her. There’s a doctor there to examine her. The Usos flip everything off a long table and they bring it over. The doctor barely touches her with the stethoscope and says she can’t compete, she’s pregnant. Dramatic music! Mae looks at the camera, and in a more lucid way than I’ve seen her in a couple years, Mae says, “Not again!”

>Commercial

Divas Championship Match – Eve vs N/A

Eve out to the ring in her bronze outfit, all smiles and kisses for the fans. King says he’s not the father! Eve takes a mic and says Mae Young, what a flimsy excuse for not facing her tonight. She was so looking forward to facing a HOFer. The ref needs to declare her winner by forfeit. Oh, she needs a photographer taking a picture of her beating a HOFer. Kaitlyn comes stomping out to the ring. Eve kicks Kaitlyn as Kaitlyn slides into the ring. Kaitlyn fights back with a spear on Eve. Eve flees, but Kaitlyn after her and sends Eve into the barrier. Back into the ring Kaitlyn trips Eve, but then Eve on Kaitlyn with blows on the mat. The ref breaks it up and Eve leaves, but Kaitlyn holds the belt for a moment before she can flee Kaitlyn. On the apron Eve suddenly smiles and goes back to her beauty pageant plasticity.

Backstage Segment

ADR over to Ricardo who is freaking about facing Big Show. ADR says it should be ADR, not Ricardo. Ricardo says it should be ADR, but tonight he’s going to win the WHC in ADR’s honor. ADR says Ricardo has treated him with honor, but ADR treated him like dirt. No one should treat him like dirt, so tonight, he will be there for Ricardo. Ricardo starts heading off, but ADR stops him and tells him he should look like a Champ and gives Ricardo his scarf. ADR stops Ricardo again and tells him to do it with style and tosses Ricardo his car keys.

>Commercial

World Heavyweight Championship Match – Big Show vs Ricardo

Big Show out to the ring with a big smile on his face. Cole goes through all that went down on Smackdown with picking who would face Big Show last week. First it was Santino who was injured. Then Ricardo, until Big Show knocked Ricardo out. ADR then faced Big Show in the match. Video of Ricardo being knocked out by Big Show. Ricardo drives out in a red Mercedes SL 550. ADR comes out and meets Ricardo on the stage and they walk to the ring together, Ricardo looking a bit green. Big Show is all smiles in the ring as Ricardo joins him. Justin announces them both in the ring.

Ricardo grabs Big Show’s leg, but a forearm drops him to the mat. Off comes Ricardo’s jacket, then into a corner and his shirt ripped open and Ricardo is slapped a couple times. ADR looks green and yells in to Ricardo. Big Show squeezes Ricardo’s head, then tosses him down. Big Show talks smack to ADR, then sets Ricardo up top. They talks more smack and Big Show turns back into a kick from Ricardo. Ricardo hits ADR’s enziguri, then on Big Show’s knee! Big Show flexes his knee, but then takes Ricardo down hard. Clothesline to Ricardo, then another big clothesline. ADR in and on Big Show’s leg from behind.

Winner – Big Show via DQ (2:27)

Kicks to Big Show’s face, the last one dropping Big Show. ADR joins Ricardo on the ramp. ADR calls to Big Show, then winks at him, absolutely infuriating Big Show.

IC Title Match – Kofi Kingston vs Wade Barrett

Kofi bounces out to the ring.

>Commercial

Barrett on his way to the ring and poses for the fans.

They lock up, Kofi backed into the ropes and takes a knee to the gut. Kofi whipped and another knee. Arm bar on Barrett, into a side headlock. Barrett pushes off and Kofi into a shoulder block. Kofi on Barrett with an elbow, then a drop kick for two. Front facelock on Barrett who backs Kofi into a corner, then on Kofi with an arm hold. Barrett has a degree in marine biology? Barrett backs away from Kofi’s TIP. Cole then talks about Kofi growing up in Africa and put money away to go to Boston College (maybe I need to do bios on these two also). Barrett and Kofi reverse back and forth until both end up dumping each other outside.

>Commercial

Arm and head lock on Kofi on the mat. Kofi free, but runs into a back kick from Barrett. Barrett sets Kofi up and slams him down on the mat for two. Barrett chokes Kofi in the ropes with a knee, then knees Kofi in the face holding him in the ropes. Barrett rushes Kofi, gets hung up top, then send outside. Kofi then flies out onto Barrett from the second rope.

Kofi rolls Barrett back in for two. Kofi on Barrett, but then they both botch and struggle around, Barrett gets two from it. Kofi with an SOS for two! Kofi is frustrated, Barrett to his feet in a corner. Kofi on Barrett with blows in that corner, but Barrett picks Kofi up and poswerbombs Kofi for a very long two. Barrett pulls Kofi up, but then Kofi reverses on Kofi. Barrett gets Kofi up and slams Kofi to the mat hard for two.

Barrett on Kofi with knees, then back Kofi into a corner, and on him until the ref backs him off. Kofi kicks Barrett when he comes back. Kofi up top, but Barrett ducks and Kofi eats mat. Barrett hits Kofi with his new elbow finisher for three.

Winner – Barrett (10:31)

The ref hands the IC Title belt over to Barrett who is all smiles and celebrates. Video of Kofi missing from up top, then Barrett with his finisher for three. Barrett raises the belt high, then unsnaps it to look down at it as he holds it around his waist. More video replay and Barrett is all smiles.

Backstage Segment

Mae Young is laid out on the table with a white sheet over her. Khali, looking very uncomfortable and confused, holds Mae’s ankles high in the air. The Superstars and Divas are there rooting Mae on as the ‘doctor’ looks under the sheet.

>Commercial

Video

Recap of Foley as Santa, but then ADR ran him over. This led to a Miracle on 34th Street Fight between ADR and Cena. In the match all sorts of weapons came out of gifts scattered all over the arena. Suddenly Santa bounced back, came out, hit Ricardo over the head with his bag of gifts, then went all Christmas Socco on ADR for Cena to get the three. Big hugs between Santa and Cena in the ring.

Backstage Segment

Santino and Ryder are all ready to party. Vickie stops them and says nae is going to give birth to the New Year’s baby. Mae lets out a huge fart, then back to rooting her on. Bryan comes up and yells “NO!” “NO!” “NO!” Kane with “YES!” “YES!” “YES!” Bryan yells “NO!” as the rest yell “YES!” Back and forth until Santino says he can see it’s starting to come! It’s coming! A horrible rubber sound, then popping. Suddenly Hornswoggle is there in a New Year Baby outfit! Khali picks him up and puts him on Mae’s lap – Kane and Bryan have their hands on her back, propping Mae up. Hornswoggle says, “Mamma!” Someone then hands him a bottle he starts sucking on.

Announce Segment

King says, “You know what Michael, that after watching that, I’m almost mad at the doctors in Canada for saving my life.” Cole laughs in such a lovely and honest way that makes it almost worth watching – almost.

Ryback vs The Shield

The Shield through the crowd and to the ring.

>Commercial

The Shield is standing in the ring, ready and waiting. “Feed me more!” Out comes Ryback in that same purple singlet he’s been wearing for weeks. Ryback only part way down the ramp and The Shield attack him. Ryback fights back and gets in the ring. Ambrose backed into a corner in the ring. The other two in to help. They beat Ryback down on the mat.

Sheamus runs out to the ring and in. He’s taken down by Ambrose and Reigns as Rollins still works over Ryback in a corner. Orton’s music and out he comes, running. He throws Ambrose from the ring. Thesz Press on Reigns. Ambrose in and on Orton, but tossed out. Sheamus on Reigns with a sick elbow. RKO on Ambrose. Rollins pulls Ambrose out of the ring and the three regroup on the ramp, then flee through the crowd as the faces pose in the ring. Hand shakes between the three as The Shield, specifically Ambrose, seethes.

Backstage Segment

Ziggler and AJ get ready for their New Year’s Toast.

>Commercial

In Ring Segment

The ring is set up for a party. Big E in ring gear, Ziggler in a white suit, black tie not yet tied, AJ in a skin tight white dress, but holding Ziggler’s MITB case, all stand in the ring together. Ziggler says less than an hour to go in 2012, and he’s decided this toast goes out to those who truly deserve it. Each and every one of the fans, because they all voted for the Slammy Award for Superstars of The Year, and who did they vote for? None other than John Cena! AJ rolls her eyes. Why not pick Cena, what a year he had! The fans are all so special. The first part of last year was all about the build up to the match of a lifetime – Cena vs The Rock. A match that Cena himself said he simply could not lose. And, what happened? Anyone remember how it ended? He has an idea. Video of Rock defeating Cena at WrestleMania.

Ziggler recaps, in the match Cena said he couldn’t lose, he lost. Not to be outdone, the next night on RAW, he came out and did something equally impressive. Video of Cena taking the F5 from Brock Lesnar.

Cena got his ass kick by Brock Lesnar! Some might make the excuse that there’s no shame of being beat by Brock,but how do you account for this one? Video of Cena losing to Laurinaitis when Big Show knocked Cena out?

Does anyone even remember that guy? People Power and all that crap! Anyone even remember him? You’d think there’d be nothing as embarrassing as that… “You suck!” loudly yells one male fan really close to the ring. Ziggler just keeps going. He says to show us what’s next. On the 1000th RAW Cena had Punk in the STF, but Big Show got involved and Cena lost his MITB cashing in.

Cena breaking ground again was the first to cash in MITB and lose! You’d think that would be it and they could cut Cena some slack, but this business is what have you done lately. Anyone remember how Cena ended his 2012 PPV career? Anybody? Bueller? AJ? AJ says by losing to Ziggler when she pushed him off the ladder at TLC. Video of AJ costing Cena the match.

Hot dog, we have a weiner! We should all be really proud of ourselves because Cena had the most embarrassing, disgusting, futile entire year of his life! This year, and each of us voted him Superstar of The Year. AJ says, “And they say I have mental problems. It’s clear it’s the WWE ‘Universe’ who needs psychiatric help!” Ziggler says that in ten years Cena hasn’t changed on a mental or physical level. He still wears a cap and shorts. Get with the times man. It’s 2012, Cena’s time is up, it’s his time now. No offense. “You’re just simply not on my level anymore.” He wants to toast and make this the best New Year ever. Cena is is officially uninvited. Ziggler sends Big E to keep Cena out.

AJ says to join her in this toast to a real man, not Cena. The man who will own 2013. Mr. MITB, the Showoff, the man that she loves, Dolph Ziggler! She still has a mic in one hand, the case in the other, so Ziggler clinks two glasses together himself and drinks from one. Huge heat for them. Then Ziggler and AJ start making out in the ring, she still has her hands full.

Cena’s music cuts them off. AJ looks pissed! Big E is standing between Cena and the ring. “Easy Mr. T, I didn’t come out here to fight.” Cena says he came out to praise his boss. Ziggler is right.

Ziggler was shocked at hearing that and asks to hear it again.

Cena says a real man can own up to his flaws and Ziggler is right. After seeing all that, there no way he can say 2012 was a banner year for him. If you’re judged on the last thing you did, than 2012 was the year of Ziggler and AJ.

Ziggler and AJ agree. Ziggler says it was, but 2013 will be even better.

Cena says he’s right. 2013 screams Ziggler and AJ, well mostly AJ. Look at the year she’s had, how much she’s grown. Had her first relationship, then the second, third, fourth, Cena was the fifth, now six times the charm. She’s ready to settle down and make it legal and Ziggler’s actually in on it. They spent their week in DC shopping for their big day. Up on the tron is AJ in a tux, Ziggler in a strapless wedding dress and Big E in a powder blue bridesmaid’s dress. The fans love this. Cena says you know what they say, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the ugliest baby you’ve ever seen. A picture of a baby holding the MITB case, with Ziggler’s hair and AJ’s face badly pasted in. Here’s the shocker though is when Ziggler realizes it’s not AJ’s first child. She has a lovely flock, family photo time! There’s a group of babies with heads of Eve, Ricardo, Heyman, Punk, Bryan, Kane, Ringh, Bushwackers, Finkle, Hillbilly Jim, Mr. Fuji, The Shield, Matilda (and one guy with glasses that I cannot place – sorry!). Cena’s glad he didn’t make the picture.

Ziggler says Cena has nothing, all he can produce is doctored photos. Right now Cena is the biggest loser in the WWE. Ziggler will become the WHC, and Cena will still be a loser.

Cena says he’s out there to have fun, and everyone should be laughing and cheering. And Ziggler doesn’t want him to get serious. Yes, 2012 wasn’t good for him, but he stayed in the fight and never gave up. He was flattered, but didn’t accept the award. He’s been there 10 year and had one bad season. It’s not Ziggler’s first year, it’s his 7th. He’s been running around in the back blaming the administration asking for one big push, and when anything goes wrong, he’s not to blame, it was anyone else’s. The only way a guy like Ziggler gets a set of nuts is by buying them at the concession stand! Ziggler is pissed. Cena says the Ziggler story goes like this – first you’re a caddy, then a cheerleader, then you had blond hair, then you had brown hair, now you have blond hair. Then you had a large girlfriend, now you have a small one. Now you have a large man and walks around with a suitcase with a contract and a bunch of Valtrex, although he’s so damn sick of being so damn sick, which Cena thinks is IBS, Cena will make an announcement right now for 2013. He’s entering the Royal Rumble, as of right now. He doesn’t care of he has to beat Ziggler, Big E, Ryback, Punk, Big Show or The Rock himself, in 2013, he will be the WWE Champ.

Ziggler says it’s easy to say, but talk, like Cena’s outfit is cheap.

There’s Ziggler on Cena’s outfit again. Ziggler in that ill fitting suit, one of those buttons should be undone (Cena’s right about that), and AJ’s in a white dress, he could tell a million jokes about that, he could shop on Rodeo Drive, but the soldier is in the same uniform. They will probably bury him in jean shorts and a cap, but the reason it hasn’t changed in ten years, because neither has the resolve. He’s still full of hustle, loyalty and respect. That’s why he’s going to give the devil his due, that’s why he’s toasting to Ziggler and AJ to a prosperous New Year, with the one thing Ziggler is full of.

The hatch from above opens and all the shit starts landing on them both. Ziggler to his knees, all freaked out by the poo, AJ standing there, crying in it all.

Cena wishes everyone a Happy New Year. Ziggler grabs AJ and they both fall in the poop. AJ starts screaming in rage as RAW fades out.

Promo

The Rock will be live next week on RAW, the first of 2013!

Biggest pop
Miz
VKM
Orton/Sheamus
Biggest heat
Big Show
The Shield
Ziggler & AJ

Biggest facepalm
Mae Young giving birth
Poo flying in the ring

Thanks for 2012, and I hope every has a Happy New Year!

KB

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  • Code

    i know that mae young thing is just story but it still made me cringe

  • Woo Woo

    Finally story that makes sense with the Shield attacking and making too many enemies that they can't handle. Maybe they will finally show their colors as a Heyman guy.

    • dusty588

      If it wasn't the PG era, and Mae Young was healthy, it would be amazing to see The Shield go after her, much like the attack from 3 Minute Warning and The Dudley' Boys.

      • Grinchy McGrump

        I kinda wish they had, and that something went wrong, and that Mae got killed as a result, because at least then we wouldn't have to sit through such pointless nonsense ever again.

  • CynIsIn

    For spitting out a baby the size of a leprachaun, let's all give Mae Young a hand….

    • kbunyon

      I've been very open about my health issues, and that I had major abdominal surgery just over a year ago.

      Well, you made me laugh so hard that I had to hold my incision, and I'm now in pain from laughing so hard.

      THANK YOU so much! I'm going into 2013 with an even bigger smile on my face!

      KB

    • Mike L

      Atleast it wasn’t a foot… I really pictured her giving birth to a foot this time.

      • Ken

        You're not the only one. (shudders)

        • Ken

          I didn't type that.
          Who are you and why do you have my name?

          oO

  • Woo Woo

    Personally I think Ricardo got some nice pop once he had the tiny bit of offense.

  • JJ

    Does anyone know who the guy in the glasses was? he was the only one I couldn’t place, too heavy to be Harvey Whippleman, wrong look for young Jim Cornette.

    • Dave Barton

      That was Jameson, sidekick from The Bobby Heenan Show.

      • William Shatner

        Used to manage the Bushwhackers as well if I remember correctly.

      • kbunyon

        Thank you!

        I had to stop the DVR to get all the names recorded, but I had no clue who he was. The face rang a bell, but there wasn't a name to go with it. I'll also admit that Matilda's name didn't come to me at first, but King and Cole mentioned it – though I knew who she was.

        KB

  • Rayner Chee-bai

    2013 starts with a new storyline; Mae Young's baby boy's hunt for the World Heavyweight Championship. That should headline WrestleMania to be exact *sigh*

  • Joey

    Del Rio vs Show at Royal Rumble? I can see it after tonight

  • LeftyTosser

    Every time I see that poo drop it is more funny than the last. Perfect ending to the show.

  • Da Fooq?

    What in the deepest and bluest of all the deep blue Hells was that Mae Young segment?
    Really? Did we just see that? Did whoever wrote that crap have a little too much Xmas cheer beforehand?
    Jesus Harold Christ on a wonky unicycle with a lolly stick stuck through the spokes that was awful. I know it's a throwaway Xmas/New Year episode but come the F on that was completely retarded. The initial Mae Young pregnancy 'angle' was bad enough but that was beyond insulting. I honestly don't know how any one of the people who took part in that can ever look at themselves in the mirrir again and not quietly weep in shame.
    It's almost enough to make me wish the old broad dies soon so that we'll never have to have another example of that on the show ever again.

  • PainOfDemise

    I'm liking that Ziggler is getting more air time and mic time, but I wish they would of kept him on his own when he seperated from Vickie. Now instead of being with Vickie and Swagger before, now he's with Biggie and AJ.

    It's not going bad right now, but hope it doesn't last. I want Ziggler to be able to stand on his own without anyone in his corner.

  • jeb

    Did cm punk make a big trouble in little china reference with the “seen things no one else has seen”quote haha