RAW this week starts with a Martin Luther King Jr. tribute.
Music and pyro.
In Ring Segment
Justin announces Foley to the ring. His hair is trimmed to his shorter mullet haircut. He’s there to spend a day at Disney Land and gives a cheap pop. A few months ago when he returned and was happy to be in the WWE in a non-physical role. Being Santa and This Is Your Life John Cena, which was a train wreck. He gets heat for mention of TIYL. He’s happy with his career and fulfilled all his dreams in this ring including headlining WM which he did right in that building with his wife and two kids in attendance. Now he has two more kids and the ones he had were too young to see their dad in that ring. It would mean a lot to him for Mickey and Huey to see their dad in that ring at least one more time. Huge pop. His second reason for being there is to throw his hat in the ring for the 2012 Royal Rumble Match.
EXCUSE ME!! EXCUSE ME!! EXCUSE ME!! Vickie out in a great dress with Dolph. She introduces Dolph to Foley. They both head to and get in the ring. Dolph says there’s 30 golden tickets to the main event to WM and Foley wants to just take one?
He wants to take a spot that someone who’s worked all year for just to show to his snotty, bratty kids at home that he can make a fool out of himself one more time?
Mick, he knows he’s done standup comedy and went to a show. If this is a bit, it’s funny. If not, his shot in the Royal Rumble would go like this, “Yay, our Daddy’s in the Royal Rum… Oh, he’s over the top rope. Well, our life’s complete. Off to school to get beat up, hope Dad didn’t eat our lunches again!”
Foley said it could happen and it could be the biggest mistake of his life. That’s the magic of the Royal Rumble? Who’s to say that the same magic that happened on three separate occasions that he became the WWE Champion wouldn’t happen at the Royal Rumble. Mickey and Huey want to see their dad in the Royal Rumble. He’s not in it to be in it, he’s in it to win it!
Dolph says they all want it. That’s why he works all year long to do it. He beat Cena last week. He ran out of here away from Dolph. He beat Punk two weeks in a row. He can’t believe Foley’s out there. He can’t believe when he defeats Punk and wins the Championship, but the let down of having to face Foley at WM. That he’d have to defend his WWE Championship against an out-of-shape has-been, never that good to begin with, glorified stuntman, walking punchline that Foley is! Foley just stares. He didn’t come to make two point, he came to make a fool out of himself one last time. For the first time in his career, Foley’s succeeded. Go home, buy a new shirt, eat a salad and just GO AWAY!
Punk’s music hits and out he comes with a smirk on his face. Punk into the ring and poses. The fans chant for Punk when his music ends. Punk says it’s so good to see Mick, right here in Anaheim, California. Dolph says of course he’s glad to see Mick, they get their clothes from the same homeless person on the street. Punk says no, they’re a lot alike. They don’t try to look, talk or act like any other Superstars. They also don’t hide behind a woman, do all their talking for themselves. A poor excuse for a woman by the way. They also have earned everything they achieved, they worked for, unlike someone in a pink shirt with a Special Guest Ref in his pocket at the Royal Rumble. Dolph’s wearing a pick shirt. Unlike someone who wears fake lashes, spray tans, highlights in his hair. Yes he’s talking about the lame excuse for a Special Guest Ref and Executive VP of Talent Relations and Interim RAW GM Johnny nobody-gives-a-crap-about-me Laurinaitis. Even with the turd-in-the-punchbowl ref, Punk will still be Champion. Wanna know why? Because he’s the best wrestler in the world. At WM he’ll face the winner of the Royal Rumble Match and it would be damn cool if it was Mick Foley.
Vickie says that somewhere between anorexia (Punk) and obese (Foley), there’s a wrestler here who’s so much smarter… Punk say if he was Vickie he wouldn’t be talking to anyone about eating disorders, Vickie!
Of course this is the perfect time for Laurinaitis to show up on stage to break it all up and put us to sleep. He has an announcement! Laurinaitis tells Punk to look at him, then he tells everyone his Title. As Special Guest Ref, he will be completely unbiased in the match. Regarding Foley’s request will be taken under consideration. He wants to do what’s right in this situation and the answer is – NO! Then he leaves.
Vickie up in Foley’s face laughing and chortling about him being told no.
Air Boom heading for the ring for their rematch against Epico and Primo.
Air Boom (Evan Bourne & Kofi Kingston) vs The Colons (Epico & Primo) w/ Rosa
All five in the ring, meaning none had their entrances shown on WWETV. Video of Epico and Primo winning the Tag Team Titles in Oakland at a house show. Primo with a back stabber for the win.
Epico on Evan. Evan climbs all over Epico, then pins for two. Hurricanranna on Epico, but then Epico tags out and they double team Evan. Primo up in the ref’s face. Epico tags in and they try to double team Evan, but Evan fights back and hits a hurricanranna on Epico, sending him flying into Primo. All three down. Kofi tags in and takes both down with a flying clothesline. Clothesline on Epico, then a boom drop. Primo rushes Kofi and sent out flying. Epico on Kofi for two. Trouble in paradise. Kofi into a post outside and Evan, who was up top, is distracted. Evan falls. Epico hits a back stabber on Evan for three.
Winners – Epico & Primo
Video of the high points of the match. They celebrate with Rosa.
Otunga in to see Laurinaitis. Someone’s out and waiting to see him. Laurinaitis tells him to send that person in, then Otunga slurps his coffee louder than I thought possible. Laurinaitis tells this person that he’s in the main event. Dolph, Henry and Otunga versus Punk, Bryan and him – Jericho! Jericho reaches over, shuts off the light and turns on his jacket. Arms out to for his Y. The female fans go wild.
Ryder with Eve, Josh comes in. is Ryder medically cleared? Eve says he can’t compete tonight, he should be home recuperating. He’s going to the ring now. He’s not forfeiting his Title. Eve says she’s going with him and takes his hand.
Recap of Kane’s abuse on Cena and Ryder over the past couple weeks.
US Championship Match – Jack Swagger w/ Vickie vs Zack Ryder w/ Eve
Swagger and Vickie to the ring. Video of Swagger kicking out of Punk’s pin last week. Cole says Laurinaitis thinks the ref blew the call.
Ryder out with Eve.
Swagger on Ryder from behind with a forearm to Ryder’s back. Side slam to continue on Ryder’s taped ribs and back. Ryder whipped and hits the mat. Forearms to Ryder’s back. Swagger rushes Ryder and eats knees. Ryder flies, but Swagger catches him and slams Ryder to the mat. Swagger splashes Ryder’s back on the mat. Swagger pins Ryder for two. Gut wrench bomb on Ryder for two as Vickie screeches and taunts Eve. Another gut wrench bomb for two. Elbow drops from Swagger onto Ryder’s back. Swagger pulls Ryder up for another gut wrench bomb. Swagger pins Ryder for three.
Winner – Swagger
Swagger celebrates with his new Title in hand. Eve in to check on Ryder, but has to tell Vickie to back off so she could. Vickie and Swagger hug as Eve dotes on Ryder.
Recap of Swagger facing Ryder and beating him for the US Title.
Ryder is getting checked over by a trainer. Laurinaitis in saying he just read the doctor’s papers. Ryder shouldn’t have competed, Laurinaitis’ bad. Eve gets up in Laurinaitis’ face and he tells her to shut up and respect authority.
Fox & Kelly vs Bellas (Nikki & Brie)
Perez Hilton into the ring and gets some serious heat. He announces the Fox and Kelly to the ring in blue and silver. Then he announces the Bellas in their new jumpsuits.
A Bella takes Kelly down. Kelly back into a corner, then stomped. Kelly comes back with a running bulldog for two. The Bellas with some twin magic, but then Perez pulls her from the ring. Kelly rolls the original Bella up for three.
Winner – Kelly & Fox
Perez in to celebrate with the Divas, but the Bellas in his face. One lightly pushes him and he hits a Flair-flop. Kelly and Fox protect him and the Bellas leave.
King and Cole talk about the accident with Big Show and AJ. They show the video of it and later will tell how AJ is doing, Bryan himself will tell us.
Royal Rumble 1992 – Flair out to the ring. Flair was in there through most of the match. In the end Hogan, from outside, helped Flair eliminate Sycho Sid to win the Royal Rumble.
In Ring Segment
R-Truth out to the ring. Cole talks about R-Truth being off his rocker. He’s about to talk and Wade’s music hits. Wade comes out in ring gear. He introduces himself and gets a little heat. He’ll be the winner of the 2012 Royal Rumble Match. This year there’s 30 competitors and they should be happy that old git Foley isn’t in it. Wade’s officially in the Royal Rumble Match, as is R-Truth.
R-Truth looks him up and down and says, in a horrible accent, “‘Ello guvenuh!” He says Little Jimmy wants R-Truth to ask Wade if anyone told Wade ‘he talk funneh?’ Why’s Wade so mad?
Can I call you Wade?
Don’t what me!
Okay, what me!
Wade, we ‘cross the street from the happiest place on earth, Disney Land. He was there this morning.
“Where’s your smile Wade?”
“I miss your smile Wade!”
“You wanna see my slide show?”
“I’m glad you axed!”
“You see it started when I met Mickey and Minnie.” Picture of him photoshopped and posing with them. Then he methim a real sitting duck, quack, quack! A faked picture of him with Donald Duck.
Wade is done, he asks what that has to do with anything?
R-Truth said he’s going to tell him. No reaction, so R-Truth said it again and got a…
The last one he met, Pinocchio. He said Wade would win the Royal Rumble Match, then look what happened! Pinocchio’s nose grew in the picture. “I don’t even know if that’s PG!” See Wade, he didn’t tell the truth Wade. He lied.
“I believe a mouse can talk.”
“And I believe an elephant can fly.”
“But I don’t believe for one second that you gonna win the Royal Rumble Match. And that’s the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the…”
Miz in through the crowd attacks R-Truth from behind. R-Truth got the upper hand, so Wade attacked R-Truth. Sheamus came out in a full on run. Sheamus and R-Truth cleared the ring.
Teddy Long out and says Laurinaitis is a little busy tonight. The Royal Rumble Match is every man for himself. They’re going to have an over the top rope challenge. Ring the bell.
Over The Top Rope Challenge – Wade Barrett vs Sheamus vs R-Truth vs Miz
Refs rush to the ring. Sheamus removes his shirt, as does R-Truth. Miz in too. They all four look at each other. Sheamus on Wade, R-Truth on Miz. Wade hard on Sheamus in a corner, then it’s reversed. Miz and R-Truth over by the rope, but neither could get the other out. Sheamus on Wade hard, then R-Truth takes Miz down and then over to help Sheamus. Miz over and helps throw Wade out.
Eliminated – Wade
Miz on R-Truth, then Sheamus clotheslines them both. Sheamus on Miz, then R-Truth in and attacks Sheamus. R-Truth can’t get Sheamus out. R-Truth hits some sweet dance moves, then takes Sheamus down. Big boot to a sitting R-Truth’s face. R-Truth over the top, but stays on the apron. Miz didn’t notice that R-Truth is legal. Miz rushes Sheamus and eats clotheslines. Miz through the ropes and gets those ten forearms to the chest. Sheamus takes Miz down hard. She goes for the brogue kick, but Miz pulls the ropes down. Sheamus hung up top. Sheamus and Miz fight more. Sheamus tries to send Miz out, but R-Truth rushes them and sends them both out!
Winner – R-Truth
R-Truth in the ring, Miz outside and they’re arguing. Miz then eats a brogue kick to shut him up. Sheamus backs up the ramp smiling as R-Truth is talking to himself full on in the ring.
In Laurinaitis’ office Cena runs in getting all up on Laurinaitis about his ‘my bad’, that’s all he can say? Laurinaitis says he made a mistake. As humans we make mistakes. Cena says if Kane shows tonight, Cena will take him out. Laurinaitis makes a match between Cena and Kane at Royal Rumble. And then Laurinaitis makes a match between Cena and the guy who beat up Cena’s friend, Swagger, next. Cena leaves and Laurinaitis is right back texting on his cell.
Jack Swagger vs John Cena
Swagger in the ring. Video of Swagger on Ryder in the ring earlier. Cena to the ring and the fans are mixed.
Cena on Swagger quickly. Splash in a corner, then clothesline. Forearms to Swagger’s back. Swagger out, Cena chases and sends Swagger into a post, then onto announce. Cena on Swagger with blows on announce. The ref backs off from Cena who looks crazed. Knees to Swagger’s face, then on him with a big punch to the face. Cena pulls Swagger’s tights in a short clothesline. Knees to Swagger’s face, then Swagger shoulder first into the stairs and Cena is still seething. Big boot to Swagger. Off comes the top of the stairs and Swagger slammed down on the lower part four times in a row. King and Cole argue through the whole thing. Cena picks up the top part of the stairs to slam on Swagger, but then…
Fire erupts on stage! Cena into the ring, ready, but Kane’s on the tron. Kane’s impressed and thinks Cena’s getting it. By the time they meet at the Royal Rumble, Cena will have embraced the hate. Fire from four corners and Cena stares. Cena looks shaken, scared.
Funkasaurus Brodus Clay vs JTG
Clay to the ring in all the same glory of last week, but even more comfortable with himself. JTG is ringside.
Clay is all strutting and dancing. Behind tjg, but JTG didn’t like the gyrating. JTG tries to grab a leg, but Clay wiggles his legs and JTG lets go. Clay points and JTG looks. A blow to JTG’s face. JTG runs into Clay’s head and flies. Suplex to JTG, then splashes JTG in a corner. Clay takes JTG and pins him for three.
Winner – Funkasaurus
Funkasaurus dances in the ring with his girls and seems to be having a great time. Video recap of the high points of the match. One bit of video shows Clay shimmying in slo-mo.
They talk about the incident between Big Show and AJ on SD. Video of AJ telling Bryan she loves him, then his ego took control. She was ringside for Bryan. Outside the ring with chair shots to Big Show, but then Big Show ran into AJ outside the ring and she hit the floor. Big Show was bawling like a baby over it, Bryan looked shocked and yelled at Big Show for being reckless. Bryan called Big Show a bastard before leaving to tend to AJ. Big Show was crushed.
In Ring Segment
Bryan out to the stage to much heat. He says most of the fans think of Big Show as a loveable gentle giant. Big Show is a cruel, inhospitable freak who at 500lbs had no trouble bowling over his 95lbs girlfriend AJ. AJ has been traumatized and will never be the same. Big Show could have stopped, but he intentionally ran down AJ to get to Bryan and the belt. It’s pathetic. Did he say he was sorry? No, he didn’t. He stood there crying like a blithering idiot. They weren’t real tears. They were crocodile tears, 1000% fake. Big Show shouldn’t show his face on SD again. If he does, he’ll make Big Show pay. This Firday on SD he has a WWE WHC Match against Henry. He dedicates the match to AJ. Last week she told him that she loves him and he appreciates that. This Friday he will show her exactly how much.
Bryan to the ring. The lights go out, then Jericho on stage in his flashy jacket. Jericho to the ring slapping hands with all the fans, everyone he could reach.
Dolp Ziggler & David Otunga & Mark Henry vs Punk & Jericho & Daniel Bryan
Jericho is still slapping hands with everyone and getting the fans all pumped up. Punk comes out to round out the match as there’s already Dolph, Otunga, and Henry in the ring.
Punk and Dolph dance around, Punk takes Dolph down. Punk slams Dolph to the mat. Snap suplex to Dolph for one. Bryan tags in and stomps Dolph. Upper cut no Dolph, then a shoulder block to Dolph. Bryan is running the ropes, then Dolph was in the way. Bryan tripped over Dolph, but in such a way he’ll be lucky if he didn’t pull something, especially his groin. It could have been much worse. Bryan touched his knee and Dolph started stomping it. Dolph on that right knee.
Otunga tags in and stomps Bryan’s leg. Otunga slams the leg to the mat. Dolph tags in and hits a snap mare as the fans chat for Y2J. Elbow drop from Dolph for two. Dolph wrenches Bryan’s leg back in a single leg Boston crab as Cole rips on the internet geeks for having nothing better to do that talk about Bryan online as he’s trending. Dolph keeps that hold on tight until Bryan makes it to the ropes. Bryan in a corner, Dolph tries to splash, but eats corner.
Punk tags in as Dolph tags out. Punk on Otunga with a kick, then takes Otunga down. Punk telegraphs and Otunga kicks him. Dolph tags back in and stomps away on Punk. Neck breaker on Punk, then Dolph poses. Side headlock on Punk on the mat. Punk up and grabs Dolph’s legs to nail Dolph with a backbreaker. Jericho is bouncing on the corner, reaching for Punk to tag in, but Dolph holds Punk’s ankle and tags in Otunga.
On Punk in a corner with blows and stomps. Punk set up top, Otunga climb. Head butt sends Otunga flying. Punk pays homage to Savage, then reaches to tag out. Jericho is reaching and slapping the top buckle padding as he wants in this match so badly! He’s bouncing around on the apron just out of his wits. Punk manages to reach him and Jericho tags in!
Jericho runs around in the ring pointing at fans to get them all cheering, then tags out. Bryan looks at Jericho as if Jericho has lost his mind. Jericho heads up the ramp, he’s done. Up the ramp he’s yelling, “Oh yay!” and “Yeah!” He flexes a bit, almost all smiles, completely pumped up. He then walks onto the stage and out.
Dolph on Bryan with a submission hold. During the break Bryan hit a corner after Otunga moved out of the way. Bryan fights back by kicking Dolph in the back of the head. Both down. Dolph holds Bryan’s ankle, but Bryan is able to tag out. Clotheslines, then a swinging neck breaker on Dolph. High knee to Dolph’s jaw in a corner, then a running bulldog. Punk off a top rope onto Dolph with a clothesline for two, but Henry breaks it up. Bryan in and at Henry. Henry picks Bryan up, but Bryan manages to land on his feet on the apron. A blow to Henry’s head and he asks Bryan, “That all you got?” Bryan drops down and hobbles up the ramp selling his right knee injury. Henry gets out of the ring and starts after Bryan. Big blow to Bryan’s head, then Henry grabs Bryan and sends him flying up the ramp, but not hitting the metal too hard. Bryan to his feet over the side. A headbutt to Bryan, then Henry after Bryan as they head off backstage.
Foley’s crash, then he comes waddling out to the ring. Yes, waddling! Foley up on the apron and tells the ref that he spoke to John and he’s in this match. The ref hasn’t heard that. Foley says he’s in, he talked to Laurinaitis. He talked to John! “Foley!” chants. Foley holds the tag rope. Punk is trying to get to Foley to tag out, but Dolph slams Punk’s knee to the mat. Zig-zag on Punk, but he kicks out. Dolph on Punk with blows to the head. “Foley!” chants as Dolph hits a neck breaker on Punk. Another neck breaker for two as Vickie screeches. Kick to the back of Dolph’s head, then Punk reaches.
Foley gets the tag, as does Otunga! Blows to Otunga. Otunga eats a corner, then more blows in the corner. ‘Bang! Bang!’ What Cole calls ‘vintage’ Foley! Knee to Otunga in the corner. Otunga up and into a Foley DDT! Mr. Socko comes out and Otunga eats it! Mandible claw and Foley wins it!
Winners – Punk, Bryan, Jericho & Foley
Laurinaitis out to the ring as Foley and Punk are about to celebrate. Laurinaitis says he didn’t give Foley the okay to be in this match. So he’s forced Laurinaitis’ hand and he overturns the decision. The winners are Dolph, Otunga and Henry.
Winners – Dolph, Henry & Otunga
Punk grabs the mic out of Laurinaitis’ hand and asks if he finds Punk disrespectful? When he grabs things out of Laurinaitis’ hands. What Laurinaitis is going to do about it. Mick has nothing to do with what’s going on here. Laurinaitis said something off mic, but Punk says no! Laurinaitis is going to listen to him! The fans are wild. Punk says Laurinaitis is going to man up. Take his balls out of his purse and put their cards on the table! Laurinaitis doesn’t like Punk, but it has nothing to do with who Punk is, it has everything to do with who Laurinaitis is not! The people have no clue who Laurinaitis is because when Laurinaitis was a competitor in what he likes to call sports entertainment, he had the look, but he sucked! That must have been really difficult Johnny, his brother being one half of the legendary Road Warriors, but Laurinaitis didn’t amount to much more than roadkill. He was boring, uncharismatic, he was vanilla. He was boring! It kills Laurinaitis that he never made it to the WWE as a competitor. So he traded in his lame-ass tights for his equally lame-ass suits. Went from somebody who just sucked, to somebody who just sucked up! Laurinaitis’ is a corporate yes man who has watched Punk achieve in the past year more than Laurinaitis has achieved in his entire life! Laurinaitis looks green. Punk doesn’t know why he’s screaming, Laurinaitis isn’t worth it. Laurinaitis will try to screw him at the Royal Rumble. Better men have tried, better men have failed. Laurinaitis will try to screw Punk on pure jealousy of who Punk is, where he comes from and the fact that he’s the WWE Champion. He’s the man! And Laurinaitis can’t stand it, so he’ll screw Punk in his Championship Match. It doesn’t matter because when Punk comes out of it, he’ll still be better than Laurinaitis. And he’ll have the fans doing something Laurinaitis wished his entire career that they did – talk about Laurinaitis! If he screws Punk, he’s not going to hit him with the GTS, Punk’s not going to put Laurinaitis to sleep, he’s not going to lock him in the anaconda vice but he’ll have them talking about Laurinaitis for sure. If Laurinaitis screws him, they’ll be talking about how Mr. John Laurinaitis, Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim RAW General Manager looks like he’s gone through a meat grinder because CM Punk’s kicked his pathetic ass!
The fans go wild!
Punk and Laurinaitis stare each other down in the ring. Punk rears his fist back as if he’s going to punch Laurinaitis. Laurinaitis throws his arms up in front of his face and cowers. Punk slams the mic into Laurinaitis’ chest hard and leaves the ring.
Laurinaitis paces around the ring at Foley who keeps giving Laurinaitis thumbs up and double thumbs up. Laurinaitis picks up the mic off the mat and said, my name is John Laurinaitis, Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim, soon to be permanent RAW General Manager. Huge heat from the fans. He says he’s not pathetic and won’t be intimidated by CM Punk. Foley tells Laurinaitis to admit it, admit that he’s going to screw Punk at the Royal Rumble. Foley says Laurinaitis walks around there like a pious, self righteous sycophant. That’s fancy New York Times Best Sellers way of saying that you, John Laurinaitis are a kiss ass! Laurinaitis tries to shake this off. He unbuttons his shirt and loosens his tie. “You suck!” chants. He tries to shake off the fans again. He asks Foley who thinks he is. Who does Foley think he’s talking to? Foley asks if he’ll screw Punk. Laurinaitis says, “You’re damn right I will!” Laurinaitis says he does his job and he does it well. He’s sick and tired of being disrespected and pushed around and bullied. Each week he puts on the best show for the WWE ‘Universe’ and he’s not appreciated for it. He’s not going to take it anymore. He’s not going to take it from Foley. He’s sick and tired… Laurinaitis in one motion takes the mic and hits Foley in the head with it then stomps from the ring. Foley staggers to his feet then falls into a corner, basically unable to stand on his own two feet, holding his head the whole time.
Sheamus / R-Truth
John Laurinaitis, Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim RAW General Manager!
Miz / Wade Barrett
Thanks for reading,