RAW this week starts with music and pyro.
In Ring Segment
King is in the ring announcing tonight will be the first every Rock and Rap concert on RAW. There's been some heated discussion between them, but tonight they will express in their own way.
In Ring Segment
Cena out in his Thuganomics look, the chain, the hat, the shirt, the look. He even pulls the lock to the side, has that cranky boy face on. This is the boy he was early on and huge heat from the fans.
Rock wanted me to write his song tonight,
but I will never be his mouth piece.
It's like Labron James,
he took his talents straight down to South Beach.
And for the past few weeks,
Rock is legitimately pissed.
If you get stuck singing your song tonight,
it's all in the wrist.
Cena stops here and glares into the camera, the way he used to. Cena is ON tonight!
Could we please have a week where you don't come out here and choke?
You might be GI Joe this summer,
Right now, you're a GI Joke!
Ever since I opened my mouth about you,
you been begging me to back off.
So if Rock and Dwayne are the same person,
I think ya both are jack-offs!
After April 1st,
you won't be making no more movies.
You gonna need surgery on you face,
just like you had it on your boobies.
Those poppin' pecs,
they had more work than a locker room full of Divas.
I got a gift for Rock tonight,
I'm going to give him a Cleveland steamah!
Team Bring It?
He's Team Lost It and the truth is getting scary.
Cuz they weren't chanting Rocky last week,
they were chanting Tooth Fairy!
Keep making fun of this Fruity Pebble Rock,
I ain't even close to sick of it.
I'm Mr. Kung Pow Chicken,
you Mr. Miami Fried Chicken Shit! (they bleeped out the cuss)
And no, no, I don't have balls,
I have somethin' in their place.
I'll beat yo' ass at WrestleMania,
and put my nuts dead in your face! (Cena had a package of what looked like peanuts he pulled from his pocket and threw at the camera for an exclamation point.)
Cena drop the mic, leaves the ring and up the ramp holding his lock in his hand, cranky look on his face, then stops and poses back to the fans on the stage before leaving.
EXCUSE ME!! EXCUSE ME!! Vickie comes out in a pale pink dress making her look a lot chunkier than she really is (bad color for her) thinks Daylight Savings should be illegal. Ask me why? EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! The world is deprived of a whole hour of this man – out comes Dolph.
Cole talks about the WWE.com/social blowing up over what Cena just did in the ring.
Dolph w/ Vickie vs Sheamus
Sheamus out to face Dolph.
Vickie screeching ringside as Dolph shows off. Forearms to Sheamus' back, then flicks sweat at him. Side headlock rides Dolph down. Sheamus gets two twice, then to his feet. Shoulder block knocks Dolph hard to the floor. Side headlock takeover. Sheamus keeps the hold on the mat. Dolph up and comes back with blows, then comes back to eat a back elbow. Sheamus gets Dolph on the apron, but before he can hit his forearms, Dolph drops to the floor.
Short clothesline to Dolph. Sheamus with an arm hold on Dolph on the mat. Dolph up and pulls Sheamus' hair a bit, then free. Another shoulder block drops Dolph hard. Dolph tries to fight back with a hip toss, but Sheamus hits a hip toss up and out! Sheamus goes outside to get Dolph, but Vickie is screeching at him. Dolph has crawled under one side of the ring, then out the next. Vickie screeches at Sheamus, then Dolph nails him in the upper back with a drop kick! Vickie is thrilled about how that went down. Dolph slammed Sheamus into the front of announce, back first, but Sheamus hit the top edge of the table more than anything. Dolph plays injured, the ref starts counting them out. Dolph back in. The camera in close on Sheamus' back to show a huge welt on his back, where he hit the top edge of the table. I will say that Sheamus' coloring lends itself to welts showing up quicker and clearer than someone with a golden tan.
Dolph on Sheamus with blows and gets a one count on him. Neck breaker on Sheamus for two. Josh is up in a box with D-Bry and AJ. Josh says many people are upset about D-Bry telling AJ to shut up last week. D-Bry says he would never say anything to upset her. Who is Josh to judge their relationship? D-Bry tells AJ to tell him. AJ says she's not upset. D-Bry says the interview is over. He doesn't care what anyone thinks. AJ loves him and the feeling is mutual.
Necklock on Sheamus on the mat. Sheamus to his feet and slams back to the mat, sandwiching Dolph. Both are down, but up by five. Double hand clotheslines to Dolph, then a clothesline in the corner and Dolph slammed to the mat for two. Sheas sets up for the cross, but Dolph free. Sheamus lifts Dolph high and drops him for two. Sheamus hung up on the top rope. Dolph climbs, but is caught is if for a chokeslam, but Dolph wraps his legs around Sheamus' other arm and pulls him back for a pin. Dolph gets two that way, but then Sheamus gets up with Dolph still up there. Much wiggling, then Dolph is unceremoniously slams Dolph to the mat for two.
Blows to Dolph, then he's whipped, but Sheamus shoulder first into the post. Zig/zag on Sheamus, but only two! Both men are down. Both to their feet, then a brogue kick out of nowhere )ala HBK's sweet chin music) for three.
Winner – Sheamus
Sheamus celebrates, then they show where Sheamus got the welt, then the brogue kick for three. Sheamus still celebrates. Cole talks about the announcement about the 12 Man Tag Match at WrestleMania to decide who will be running RAW and Smackdown.
A DISH commercial for Victory Road during RAW – interesting?
Long and Laurinaitis in the ring last Smackdown when Kane came out to threaten Aksana, but then Orton took out Kane, so Long rolled Laurinaitis up for three. Then Long and Aksana flee the arena when Laurinaitis steams.
Mixed Tag Match/Handicap Match – Aksana & Santino vs Otunga & Henry
Laurinaitis to announce. Aksana follows Santino out in his speed walking way. Santino is Long's Team Captain at WrestleMania! Video of Santino defeating Swagger last week for the US Title. Video of Vickie slamming the cage door on Swagger's head on Smackdown so Santino could win and retain his Title. Otunga out posing on the stage, he is Laurinaitis' Team Captain. Otunga out by himself,more posing in the ring. Laurinaitis says he's changed his mind, it won't be Mixed Tag, it will be Handicap Match. Out comes Henry to tag with Otunga. King about has a cow at Laurinaitis over this. I guess Aksana is out of the match. Out comes Long. He talks to Aksana.
Otunga attacks Santino, but then Long over and gets in Laurinaitis' face. Long pushes Laurinaitis into his chair, Laurinaitis makes a big production of falling over, but Laurinaitis did all of the falling and tipping over and it looks terrible!
Santino floats over, then blows on Otunga, then a hip toss. Out comes the cobra, but Henry into the ring as well. Head butt to Santino. World's Strongest Slam and it's over.
Winners – Henry & Otunga
Cole is screaming to get the doctor for Laurinaitis who is flexing his elbow and selling. In the ring Henry and Otunga are about to work Santino over, but Kofi out to save, but they beat him down hard! R-Truth out, but he's taken out in the same way. Laurinaitis into the ring. Laurinaitis then announces that Henry is on Team Laurinaitis. Long is glaring from the bottom of the ramp, Aksana talking to him, and hiding behind him. Henry Otunga and Laurinaitis talk smack at them from the ring.
Miz is going to be on Psych this week. They talk about the show as a whole, then the premise for this episode. Miz says he's planning on getting an Emmy for this guest spot. It will be on Wednesday night.
King and Cole talk up Old School Cena and they show a bit of a clip from earlier.
Maria Menunos from Extra talked to the Bellas and Fox about WrestleMania. They talk about Cena versus Rocky.
Eve is walking, Ryder stops her about the kiss and how she's not responded to him all week. He asks if she's playing him. She says he's playing himself. She now wants to be friends. Friends with benefits. They make plans to go out after the show. Beth rushes in wearing what appears to be a short, strapless, puffy, yellow prom dress. She thinks it should have been her on Extra, she's the Divas Champ. Beth says Maria keeps coming to the WWE, she's going to Extra. Ryder heads off. Beth says she likes how Eve has Ryder wrapped around her little finger. Beth could do the same with Ryder if she wanted to. Eve wouldn't mind, right? Eve doesn't look happy and said she would and stomped off.
Laurinaitis on his cell, Miz in to see him. He won at WrestleMania last year, retained his Title, so when is Laurinaitis going to name to his WrestleMania Team? Laurinaitis is pissed at Miz. Laurinaitis had been on the phone with a member of the Board of Directors, how could Miz do that? Miz then introduces James Roday from Psych. Laurinaitis gushes, says he's a fan on Roday's work. Roday thanks Laurinaitis and says he's a fan of Laurinaitis' length. Miz says he's the co-star this week, Roday is wondering why Miz isn't on Laurinaitis' Team. Roday says he was wondering when they could get the mess out of (something, no clue what). Miz asks what excuse Laurinaitis has. Laurinaitis says he doesn't need an excuse. Miz wins his match tonight, then he's on the Team. Miz leaves and Laurinaitis asks Roday to be Special Guest Ring Announcer. Roday agrees, says he'll Finkle this, Fink it up, then he'll Fink is out. Miz comes back and asks who he's facing. It's Punk. Roday asks if he can beat that guy? Miz says sure and leaves. Roday tells him to oil it up. Laurinaitis asks Roday who will win. Roday puts his fingers to his temple as on Psych. Roday then says he's just kidding, that's play acting. Under his breath Roday says CM Punk.
Jinder Mahal vs Brodus Clay
Mahal out and puts his head dress into a protective case (when did this come about?). Clay out in white with his dancers. Luckily he's in a black singlet.
Mahal attacked early, but then a head butt dropped him. Mahal is slammed to the mat, then splashed for three.
Winner – Clay
Clay into the ring to dance. Clips of the match – basically the whole match.
HBK heading to the ring, not looking terribly happy.
MGK is ringside and all happy about being on TV.
In Ring Segment
HBK out, but not looking happy, or bouncy. He comes out, slowly drops to his knees, very obviously says a prayer, then to his feet and to the ring. He poses there for the fans, but not all happy. The longer he's out there, the more perky he seems to get. "HBK!" chants.
He says in three weeks Triple H and Taker will be locked in HIAC at WrestleMania and it will truly be the end of an era. Last week he told his good buddy that he's Special Guest Ref in that match. That seemed to be info he didn't know. Strangely enough he got info he wasn't aware of. He also got info he didn't know. Video of Trip saying HBK is a loser. He's going to end an era, for himself and for HBK.
So, that's the word on the street? The past couple weeks no one has called him a loser backstage. No one has implied that he couldn't get the job done. There is one person who's been absent the past couple weeks, but he's here tonight and they can get it out of the way. Undertaker, let's settle this!
Taker comes out in that way that only Taker can. Taker doesn't raise the lights, the arena stays dark. Blue in the fans, spotlights in the ring.
HBK says after all they have been through. Twenty plus years. Even though at some points they sat at opposite ends of the locker room, they've always had the utmost respect for one another. Let's face it, the last couple year of his career, they shared something few will share. They did something that people will always remember, something that will stand the test of time. They did it. But yet, Taker of all people, to say things behind his back. At the very least he thought Taker would have the guts to say it to HBK's face.
Taker asks what does HBK want him to say? That he's a failure? A loser? That he couldn't get the job done? Taker says HBK needs to stop and think. Is he repeating Taker's words, or maybe the words chosen for him, by his good friend, Triple H. Whatever the case may be, HBK needs to take all his little insecurities...
HBK sputters on his insecurities? He has news for Taker. He's the one who asked for this match. Here Taker sits at 19-0 and still feels he has something to prove! He's still the one in search of validation. Does he want to know why? They both know it, because last year Trip beat him within an inch of his life. That's why last week HBK told Trip he knows who will win.
Taker says, so it is. But HBK should know, whatever happens at WrestleMania, win or lose. He's prepared to accept the outcome, but he's not prepared for HBK sticking his ego in this. Their two matches at WrestleMania, the match with Trip last year, it's all been destiny. On April 1st, that destiny will happen. It will be an end of an era. What can't happen is for the outcome – win or lose – to not be pure. If the outcome isn't pure, Taker promises, there will be hell to pay.
HBK says Taker calls it destiny, HBK calls it irony. Isn't it ironic that the guy's career Taker ended can quite possibly be the guy who counts Taker's shoulders to the mat. Isn't it ironic that HBK's the guy who could possibly turn Taker into a loser, into a failure and show Taker that he couldn't get it done. Isn't it ironic that he could still be the guy to end the streak.
HBK makes to leave, but Taker stops him by grabbing his arm as he passes. Taker says he will be Triple H in the cell. The streak will continue, and he will officially end an era. But if HBK doens't do the right thing, Taker will officially end HBK.
They glare at each other, stare through each other, then HBK bounds back and away from Taker, almost looks like he's going to his sweet chin music, but then HBK slightly smiles, barely smiles, then steps up to Taker, slaps him on the arm mockingly, then leaves the ring to his music. HBK up the ramp, but almost at the top he stops and looks over his shoulder at Taker in the ring.
While HBK looks back, Triple H comes out from backstage. HBK looks and sees Trip coming out. They stop and stare at each other. They both look down the ramp at Taker, then stare at each other. HBK looks a bit disgusted at Trip, the leaves. Trip continues to stare down at Taker in the ring. Trip smirks, just the right side of his mouth, then it slowly slides down and he hits a single crotch chop before turning to leave. Taker is left standing in the ring, staring.
WWE Slam of The Week
Punk and Sheamus faced D-Bry and Jericho. Jericho managed to roll Punk up and got the three.
Miz vs Punk
James Roday out, stops on stage to make some arm movements, ending in the crotch chop (if my brain was with it, I would be able to tell you all of the movements he made). Roday says finally, the white guy from Psych made it to the WWE. In the sea of Cavaliers! It fills him with great pleasure and childlike glee – this match is scheduled for exactly one fall. Out first, the most must-see, evenly tanned, immaculately man-scaped Superstar in the WWE today, appearing this Wednesday with him on Psych, Cleveland's very own – The Miz! Miz out to the ring. Miz hugged Roday. Roday then announces that Miz's opponent, weighing in at exactly 218lbs, give or take, a man who enjoys a nice shaken iced tea, he is the WWE Champion, CM Punk! Punk out in his own excitable and unique way. Jericho, in his trunks and blinky jacket, is watching backstage on a monitor.
Miz rolls Punk up for less than one. Kicks to Miz's legs, but then Punk takes a poorly executed high knee.
Abdominal stretch on Punk in the center of the ring. Miz really has it locked in and keeps wrenching it on as the fans are quiet. Finally Punk is free, then kicks Miz in the head fro the apron. Punk in over the top, then a swinging neckbreaker to Miz. High knees to Miz in the corner, then the bulldog. Mixed reaction for Miz. Miz up for the GTS, then down. Miz runs into a kick for two. Punk on the corner, snake eyes. Big kneeling DDT on Punk for two.
Miz on Punk with punches on the mat. Miz to the apron, then climbs, but Punk ducks. Miz barely lands on his feet. Up for the GTS, reversed into the SCF, reversed into the anaconda and Miz taps out.
Winner – Punk
Roday announces Punk the winner from over by announce. Punk poses up on a corner and is calling for more pop from the crowd, as they are sure not giving him the pop he's used to! Jericho on the tron clapping for Punk, telling him way to go, congratulations on his big win. Punk can smirk if he wants to, but he sees through Punk. He looks at Punk and sees a fraud. Not the fact that Punk calls himself the best in the world, he's talking about Punk as a person. This week he did some research and found out a deep, dirty, dark secret. He's been straight edge since coming to the WWE, but never explained the reasons why. He wants to tell all these wannabes why Punk is straight edge. He's straight edge because his father is an alcoholic. Punk looks like he's been kicked below the belt. He just stares at Jericho. Jericho says his father was an alcoholic who let Punk down every step of the way growing up and it terrifies him. He doesn't want to end up like his father, but it's inevitable. It's in Punk's blood, in his genes, part of who he is and it tortures him. Punk built this wall, this sarcastic anti-hero without a care in the world, but Jericho found something that Punk cares about, that gives him nightmares, that terrifies him. Punk's head is hung low. Isn't it ironic that the very alcohol that Punk craves is what ruined his childhood? The nightmares he must have about his father, he almost feels bad for Punk. Jericho asks if that's why Punk has all those tattoos? Was the pain of wanting a drink so bad that he needed the pain of a tattoo needle to drive it out of his mind? Is it Punk's only solace? It doesn't matter because Punk will drink eventually and Jericho is the one who's going to make him drink. At WrestleMania Jericho is going to take away his Title, take away Punk's claims about being the best in the world, take away the bravado and leave Punk a broken man. He's going to hit bottom and when he does, Punk's going to embrace his destiny and take a drink. It's going to taste so good that he's going to want to take another one, and another one, and another one. After April 1st Jericho will be recognized for what he is, the undisputed best in the world and new WWE Champion. And Punk will be recognized for who he is, who his father was, a pathetic damn drunk. Punk looks like a broken man. The weight of the world on his shoulders and the fans are chanting his name. Punk grabs the Title belt off the mat, wobbles to the corner, then out of the ring. A fan in a Punk shirt, right there on the corner tells Punk he's got this as he holds a sign that says 'Wannabe' with an arrow pointing down at himself. Punk slowly wanders up the ramp as the camera watches from the ringside area, showing both Punk walking, but Punk on the tron walking too.
They showed a 'commercial' for The Law Offices of David Otunga. They went through the 'Have you been injured in an accident?' straight through the 'Otunga doesn't get paid until...' But the best line was, 'If you have a Twitter account, you have a lawyer...' (There was no disclaimer on this! I wonder if they're going to have problems with this one. They don't like false legal advertising like this. It's like the time Trump supposedly bought out the WWE and everything went screwy. I hope they covered their legal bums on this one!)
Orton vs Swagger
Orton out to the ring. Swagger is already in the ring, no entrance for him. Video of Kane attacking Orton two weeks ago, then Kane welcomed Orton back. Last Monday Orton nailed Kane with an RKO while R-Truth held Kane in the ring. Orton said it was good to be back. Orton again attacked Kane on Smackdown.
Orton looks around for Kane, then Swagger takes him down. Swagger with a takeover on Orton, then an arm hold. Orton comes back stomping Swagger's arm. Beautiful drop kick on Swagger, then Swagger sent out over the top. Orton follows him out and sends Swagger shoulder first to the stairs. Swagger head first on announce. Then again. Swagger sent back into the ring, Orton still glances around for Kane.
Orton frees himself from an arm hold with a blow to the gut, then a head butt. They exchange blows. Swagger whipped, but gets a foot up. Swagger takes out Orton's knee for two. Ankle lock, but not locked in and Orton is free. Swagger continues to work Orton's left ankle and knee. Orton gets a handful of Swagger hair, then punches him. Swagger slams Orton to the mat, but Orton moves out of the way of the Swagger bomb. Swagger rolls Orton through into the ankle lock. Orton kicks him away. Swagger rushes Orton in a corner, but Orton sends him over the top and hangs Swagger up on the top rope.
Orton climbs, they struggle, then Orton hits his father's patented superplex. Big clotheslines to Swagger, then that sick powerslam on Swagger. Through the ropes DDT, 'vintage' Orton! Orton pounds the mat, RKO and it's over even though it looked as though Swagger's hand was under the rope.
Winner – Orton
Orton goes to pose on a corner, but as he approaches fire erupts from all four. The arena stays bathed in red light.
A tiny clip of Cena rapping to start the show. The Rock concert is next.
Rocky comes out, guitar in hand. He stops on the stage and soaks it all in, driving the fans wild. Finally Rocky cracks a smile and heads for the ring.
Finally, the Rock has come back, to Cleveland! He wants them to keep it going. He's proud to be out there. He tells them they broke a record. The largest sell out crowd in that arena. He shows he has nothing written on his arm. "Rocky!" chants fill the arena! For that record, he appreciates them chanting Rocky, but they should be chanting 'Cleveland'! He asks if anyone saw his boy Marky Mark, oh, he meant John Cena. He had a chain and a lock, and his hat, and, what does that mean? It was funny! Who was that guy? That wasn't Cena. That's not the same guy who's been running around here looking like what would happen if Vanilla Ice banged a Teletubbie! The fans are wild and chanting all sorts of things. Rocky is laughing. Guess he wanted some of that Telle Tang, who knows. Up on the tron they show a picture of Vanilla Ice + a picture of the purple Teletubbie with the red purse = a picture of Cena in his purple merch. Rocky then explains what happened to bring about Cena. This ain't about no two minute rap, this is something special.
Rocky sits down on his stool, mic there, music stand. He says everyone knows that Cleveland rocks! The fans are HOT!
Warden threw a party,
and he spent some bucks.
Didn't invite Cena,
'cause he totally sucks!
Cena started rappin',
it all went south.
Know your role jabroni,
and shut your mouth!
everybody let's Rock.
Cena's got a menstrual clock,
but we're dancing because Cleveland rocks.
Little Fruity Pebble from Newbury Mass., (Rocky very obviously has the words in front of him on the music stand.
Rock will take his boot and shove it up his ass.
Bet you're all happy, you're listenin' to me,
and not some goofy Eminem wannabe.
everybody let's Rock.
Ain't no balls down in Cena's jock,
but we're dancin' 'cause Cleveland rocks!
"Rocky" chants which he thanks the fans for, and seems like he stopped just so they could love him. He then spoke to the fans, not singing. He asked, "Y'all wanna hear a true story? See, Rock's got the inside scoop from Cena's doctor. Cena visited his doctor last week.
Little Johnny Cena went to the doc,
Rock punched his jaw and the pain wouldn't stop.
Doc said Cena, you know I'm a fan,
but please stop beggin' for that rectal exam.
everybody let's Rock.
Cena close up that smock,
but we're dancin' 'cause Cleveland rocks.
Rocky asks if they want to hear some gossip. They agree. He says it's a true story about Cena and Eve. This is what we didn't see on RAW. But the Rock saw it.
Rock saw Cena making out with Eve,
grabbin' on her thigh and pullin' on her weave.
Cena was havin' the time of his life,
guess he didn't tell her, that he has a wife!
everbody let's Rock.
Divorce lawyer's right up the block,
but we're dancin' 'cause Cleveland rocks.
He says he guesses it slipped Cena's mind, while he was slippin' her the tongue. He has a little ditty about the day Cena was born. True story. These were all true stories.
April 23, 1977,
doctor shouted, send that baby back to heaven.
Sorry Mama Cena, but check these charts,
Little Baby Cena's got lady parts.
everybody, let's Rock.
Little Johnny's got them lady parts,
but we're all dancin' 'cause Cleveland rocks.
Rocky takes a drink of water and soaks up the love and chants from the fans. He thanks them. He said he told them they'd have fun tonight. Out of curiosity, are there any grown me who are Cena fans. Huge heat from the crowd. No one. No, wait, he sees one that's clappin'. There's a couple, and another one. He won't mess with them, it's hard enough being them. Wait, he should ask the people. Should he mess with these guys? The fans think he should. Well, this is for all of the grown men who are John Cena fans out there.
Doesn't really matter how hard you try,
never in your life will you ever taste pie.
Know you love Chewbacca and Frodo too,
but your a walking virgin and you're 42!
everybody let's Rock.
You dress like Kirk and Spock,
but we're dancin' 'cause Cleveland rocks!
Huge "Rocky!" chants. He asks where the ladies are in the house. He loves the ladies. There's a special lady who is at home. This song is for that very, very special lady, and the Rock will see you tonight.
Rock's getting' some wine, and a dozen roses,
she's going to meet my Holy Moses.
Gettin' with the Rock is the bomb,
don't believe me, ask Cena's Mom!
everybody, let's Rock.
Cena's Mom can barely walk,
but we're dancin' 'cause Cleveland rocks
One more time.
Cena's Mom can barely walk,
and we're dancin' 'cause Cleveland rocks.
The fans are loving Rocky. He says that's what he's talking about. There's only one way to end the night, to end the Rock Concert. This song is for the people, for Team Bring It. This song is for the millions – and millions – of the Rock's fans who stand side by side and supports the jabroni beating, pie eating, trail blazing, eyebrow raising, the Rock came back to scratch a major itch, going to make Cena his kung pow bitch. Cleveland broke the record tonight, they're all singing this song, and it goes something like this.
Lights come up and the stomp, stomp, clap starts. Rocky really screwed up the words to the first verse terribly. It's just too fast for him. During the chorus he says that Cena sucks. He again changes the words in the second verse, but he massacres them so badly that I can't follow him. The words are on the tron, changing color for him to follow and Rocky just can't keep up with them. He ends by pushing the biggest match ever coming up at WrestleMania. If you smell, what the Rock is cookin'!
If you really want all those words, I will post them tomorrow on RAW Is Blogged. Rocky's singing has been absurd to try to write as he sings, and I'm sorry it's so late, but I wanted to get all the words out there for those who were unable to watch RAW this week, but loves it when Rocky is on.