This go home to Royal Rumble RAW starts with music and pyro.
In Ring Segment
CM Punk out to the ring with a glowing smile on his face. He poses and smiles all around. Chants for Punk, so he sits and enjoys. He talks about Royal Rumble and a huge WWE Championship Match for us. In one corner, Punk, the best wrestler in the ring. In the other Dolph Ziggler. Self professed showoff. Says he beat Punk three times in the past month, they were tied up by Laurinaitis. The same person who will be the Special Guest Ref. One word for Laurinaitis – failure. Failure as a wrestler, failure as an executive. These are all facts, he checked them out on wikipedia. Failure as human being. Laurinaitis sucks at life. These are all things Punk said to his face, then he did something that shocked him, Laurinaitis then told the truth. Video of Laurinaitis admitting to Foley that he will screw Punk at Royal Rumble. Laurinaitis then hit Foley with the mic.
Punk says given what they all witnessed, Laurinaitis won’t be unbiased this Sunday, so he should be good and screwed. Unfortunately Punk does know better. A route he can take, but Laurinaitis won’t like it. It’s hard to ref a match with two broken arms. This is a personal invite to come to the ring right now. He wants Laurinaitis out there and say all those things, but this time to Punk’s face. Take his balls out of his purse and be a man. For once, say these things to Punk’s face. Chanting for Punk!
Punk says he gave Laurinaitis a chance, now he’s coming to find Laurinaitis.
Cena’s music hits. He comes out looking very solemn. He salutes, then walks to the ring and in. Punk leans against the ropes with a pleasant smile on his face. He can see see how Cena misunderstood. He was out there talking about a John, but he didn’t want John the Boy Scout, he wanted John nobody-gives-a-crap-about-me Laurinaitis! Cena said he was sick of hearing Punk ramble. Punk’s out there to talk, Cena’s out there for results. Laurinaitis screwed Ryder last week. Laurinaitis will appear and fix that. Laurinaitis will come out and give Cena a one on one contest with Kane. Who he will also fight again at RR. But Laurinaitis will show up and resign as the Interim GM of RAW. Cena waits, but nothing. Punk says it’s all fine and dandy, sounds like what the people want. Cena’s spoken, Punk’s spoken, the people have spoken, but he doesn’t see why Cena coming out there and saying this will make…
Laurinaitis out and says to be clear, my name is John Laurinaitis, Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim RAW General Manager. Cena, Punk in life we’ve all had our bad days. We’ve said and done things we wish we could take back. Last week was not one of those days for him. He stands by what he said and won’t be intimidated by him. Punk says he can’t hear Laurinaitis, maybe he should come to the ring so Punk could hear him better. Punk taunts Laurinaitis as Laurinaitis says that he doesn’t work for Punk, Punk works for him. “I’m your boss, I won’t listen to you!” Laurinaitis then turned to Cena and says he made a mistake and apologized to Ryder. Ryder is here and ready to compete. Cena will face Kane on Sunday, but Ryder will face Kane tonight in a Falls Count Anywhere Match. If Cena gets involved in any way, Ryder will NEVER get a US Title rematch. Since they both seem to be on the same page, Laurinaitis orders them into a Tag Team Match tonight. He found two opponents willing to face them. Laurinaitis demanded a ref get out there, NOW.
EXCUSE ME!! EXCUSE ME!! Vickie out and announces the new US Champ, Swagger and the future WWE Champion, Dolph Ziggler. Dolph tells Punk to not worry about Laurinaitis, worry about Dolph. This Sunday, like the past three weeks and tonight, Dolph will flat out beat Punk. Swagger grabs the mic and says to Cena that for what he did to Swagger last week, Cena’s dead meat! The three head for the ring. Laurinaitis, a ways back, follow them to ringside.
Cena & Punk vs Swagger & Ziggler w/ Vickie & Laurinaitis
Laurinaitis sits at announce. Cena and Dolph start with a side headlock takeover on Dolph. Cena backed into a corner, but Dolph doesn’t give a clean break. Running bulldog on Dolph for two. Punk tags in with a snap mare and a kick to the back of Dolph for one. Dolph out of a suplex, but then up for the GTS. Dolph wiggles free and scurries to his corner.
Laurinaitis is Tweeting or texting at announce. Dolph kicks Cena to get free, then ducks clotheslines, then shows off and poses. Swagger tags in and into a suplex! A cheap shot on Dolph, but then Cena eats a clothesline. Swagger stomps Cena. Blows to Cena in the heel corner. The ref pulls Swagger off Cena, then Dolph attacks from the apron. Swagger pins for two. Swagger has Cena’s arms wrenched back on the mat. Cena to his feet, but into a front facelock. Cena is pushing to reach Punk, the suplexes Swagger. Both down, but Dolph tags in. Drop kick to Cena for two. Elbow drops, maybe eight of them, then Dolph poses and does situps! Dolph pins for two. Elbow to Cena’s chest, then a punch. Dolph stomps Cena in the heel corner. Punk distracts the ref and Swagger stomps from outside. Swagger tags in and hits his Swagger-bomb on Cena for two as Vickie screeches.
Bear hug on Cena from Swagger. Cole says Laurinaitis is misunderstood. Out of nowhere Cena gets Swagger up and hits an AA on Swagger. Both are down. Swagger tags out, but so does Punk. Punk flies in off the top. Clotheslines, then swinging neckbreaker. High knee in a corner in what Cole calls ‘vintage’ Punk. Running bulldog on Dolph, then he motions for the GTS, but Dolph counters. Dolph runs into a sick kick. Punk pins, but Swagger breaks up the count. Cena rushes in and sends Swagger out. Cena out on Swagger, but Swagger with the ankle lock, but then Cena reverses it into the STF. Swagger’s tapping out, but not in the ring or legal. Punk climbs, but Laurinaitis is on the apron pointing at the ref and motioning. Punk drops down, Laurinaitis says (off mic) that he was trying to move the ref back, out of the way. Punk grabs Laurinaitis’ lapels and is about to punch him, but Laurinaitis drops down off the apron. Dolph grabs Punk from behind, rolls him up and uses Punk’s tights to get the three.
Winners – Dolph & Swagger
Laurinaitis flees ringside with his phone in hand. Up on the stage Laurinaitis stops and smirks back at Punk. Punk grabs a mic and tells Laurinaitis that this doesn’t change a damn thing. Both of their courses of action remain the same as Laurinaitis still plans on screwing Punk and at some time, Punk plans on beating the hell out of Laurinaitis! Laurinaitis looks a bit green. Punk says that Laurinaitis has an infinity (sic) (Punk meant affinity) for Dolph. Likes to give Dolph presents. Laurinaitis likes to give Dolph gift wrapped wins against Punk? Punk wants to give Laurinaitis something. He wants Laurinaitis to be something he’s never been for one night, something he’s never been in his entire life. He doesn’t want Laurinaitis to be an EVP, or a GM, he wants Laurinaitis to be a WWE Superstar! Laurinaitis nods a bit. Laurinaitis wants to be famous? Punk will make him famous. Punk, one on one with Laurinaitis, unless he’s afraid. Laurinaitis accepts with a bit of a smirk. Punk smiles widely, then poses for the fans. No sign of Cena anywhere, then they go to announce where Cole is having a spaz about anything happening in the WWE.
Jericho is heading for the ring for the Highlight Reel!
WWE Slam of The Week
Last Monday’s main event. Jericho gets the tag into the match, but just gets the fans going, then tags Bryan in and leaves ringside and up the ramp while all pumped up.
Jericho out in the way he has been lately, all excited and in his favorite jacket. King says Jericho will be in the Royal Rumble Match! Into the ring Jericho grabs the mic off one of the seats in his set, then puts a finger to his lips for quiet. The fans are rowdy and he keeps trying to quiet them. Then he says, off mic, wait, wait, wait. Out of the ring up the ramp saying hold on and one second. He comes back out with the t-shirt gun and a big smile! He has a red and white t-shirt and puts I in the gun! Cole wants the t-shirt. To each side of the audience to get them cheering for the shirt. He motions to each, then, off mic, asks for the camera. He shows the fans on camera. Cole was all excited to be on TV! Jericho gives the camera back and grabs the mic, but hasn’t sent the shirt. He shows a highlight reel of his career on his little monitor. All of his old entrances, pinning Rocky and SCSA and his old returning videos, as well as the new one. The fans are turning on him.
Jericho speaks and says this Sunday at the Royal Rumble it’s going to be the end of the world as we know it.
The lights go out, the jacket turns on, he poses.
Ryder with Hugh Jackman in the ring. Vickie was thrown out for slapping Ryder. Then Hugh hit Dolph and Ryder got the three. More promotions for Hugh’s movie that’s out on DVD.
Cole starts the ‘All About The Numbers’ video for the Royal Rumble! It’s similar to their regular Royal Rumble video and the numbers telling the story. 31 HOF legends. 695 entrants. 39, HBK eliminated the most. Kane has tossed 35 in 13 consecutive Royal Rumbles. He holds the record for 11 eliminations in 2001. 194,107lbs – the mass that has competed in the Royal Rumble Match. That’s over 430 Big Shows! 421,883, the number of WWE ‘Universe’ who have watched the Royal Rumble live (Stacy and I are two of those from last year). 62:12, the time Rey lasted, longest appearance. 3, SCSA has won that many, more than any other. :02, for 20 years the Warlord held the record for the shortest time in the Royal Rumble Match. That’s until 2009 when Santino was eliminated in :01! 2, the number of women who have competed in the Royal Rumble, both eliminated at least one entrant. #1, the first entrant is at a disadvantage, but has produced the same amount of winners as the coveted #30 slot. #27, the luckiest number in the match, producing four winners. Since 1993, 55% of Royal Rumble winners have gone on to win the Championship at WM. For the first time ever, every WWE Superstar is eligible to enter the Royal Rumble, making it the most unpredictable in history. Only one road to WM and it starts t the 25th Anniversary of the Royal Rumble.
Ryder is trying to reassure Eve that he’s okay when Foley comes up. He asks how Ryder is. Foley says he’s wrestled Kane and tagged with Kane. He’s an animal, but Ryder can do this. Foley leaves. Eve doesn’t want him to do this. Ryder says he has to do this. Cena comes up and looks like he’s going to cry. Cena says if Ryder needs him. Ryder tells him to stay out of it. Ryder walks off, both Eve and Cena look sick.
Falls Count Anywhere Match – Zack Ryder vs Kane
Ryder out to the ring in gray ring gear, nothing flashy orange and purple tonight. Kane’s fire erupts and there he is. Kane comes out with his over mask on. To the ring, and in as Ryder stares. Fire from the corners and off comes the over mask.
Ryder on Kane with forearms and blows. Into a corner, but Ryder thrown off. Ryder to the apron and hangs Kane up, but then a big boot and Ryder flies to announce. Ryder slammed back to the apron. Kane picks Ryder up and slams him back to the post twice, then slams him to the floor. Ryder back first tossed into the stairs. Kane looks down, then stomps Ryder over and over. Eve is now ringside. Kane slams Ryder back first into announce.
Kane sends Ryder back first into the barrier. Ryder back first into the apron, then thrown into the barrier. Kane drops Ryder ribs first on the stairs, then pins. Ryder kicks out! Kane looks down at Ryder, cocking his head like a puppy in confusion. Kane with his hand over Ryder’s nose and mouth, but then lets him free. Ryder over the barrier. Kane slowly climbs over and hits Ryder in what seemed to be the throat. Ryder into an anvil case. Ryder sent into more cases, but then grabs one and hits Kane over the head from behind. Kane stopped, then turned and punched Ryder. All the tape of Ryder’s ribs, then blows to the ribs.
Ryder tossed onto the top of the ramp as King thinks this should be stopped. A kick to Ryder’s ribs. Ryder slammed onto the base of the WWE on the stage and knocks some panels on it. Ryder pulled up and a knee to the ribs. Kane tries to pin, but Ryder kicks out. Even Cole thinks it’s unwise of Ryder to kick out at this point. Another kick to Ryder’s ribs. Another knee to Ryder’s ribs. Chanting for Ryder as he lolls on the stage. Ryder up and fighting back with blows, but one right drops him. Ryder up and Kane chokeslams Ryder through the stage, but there’s no real impact sound as it was so obviously rigged. Eve up there to check on Ryder. Kane then stalks after Eve down the ramp.
Cena appears on the stage. Kane goes out through the fans. Eve runs up and kneels, luckily in pants for go with her corset top, to look in the hole Ryder is in. Cena’s hand comes up over his mouth as he looks down into the hole. Eve is crying and asking if Ryder is okay. The EMTs tell Eve that Ryder needs their help. They get Ryder onto a backboard in the hole, strap him down, collar, the whole bit.
They lift Ryder out of the hole and strap him to the stretcher. Eve and Cena still there watching as they roll Ryder down this absurdly steep ramp off the side of the stage. Eve is right there by Ryder’s side, touching his arm as he’s wheeled back to the waiting ambulance. Cena’s hand is on the stretcher by Ryder’s feet. Eve is sobbing. Cena says to hang in there, he will take care of it. Eve looks to Cena and says it’s all his fault. Cena’s done enough and she’s going with Ryder. She climbs in, the ambulance leaves with siren on.
Josh is there saying Cena has to feel just awful about this. Cena’s looking to the side then turns to Josh and very forcefully slaps the mic from his hand. Cena then stares into the camera, turns bright red, eyes rolling up and seething in fury (but it looked really silly).
Cole and King talk about Ryder being taken away. King talks about how uncomfortable that all was.
Jinder Mahal vs Sheamus
Mahal in the ring, no entrance music on TV. Sheamus out to face him.
They lock up, Sheamus backed into a corner. Knees to Sheamus’ gut. Seah back out with forearms to his back, then slams Mahal to the mat. Wade out to the ring. Through the ropes, forearms to Mahal’s chest. Mahal slammed to the mat. Sheamus to the apron and climbs. Mahal flings Sheamus off with one arm. High knee to Sheamus for two. Mahal to the apron, knee to Sheamus’ head Mahal in and pins Sheamus for two. A chin and arm hold on Sheamus on the mat. Wade talks about Orton coming back for the Royal Rumble. Wade threatens to throw Orton down five flights and Orton will never walk again. Sheamus fights out and comes back with blows. Double axe handle clotheslines to Mahal. Sheamus gets Mahal up and rolls through! Mahal up for the Celtic cross, but he wiggles free brogue kick and Sheamus gets the three.
Winner – Sheamus
Wade quickly leaves announce as Cole says he’s picking Wade to win the Royal Rumble Match. Wade leaves the area as Sheamus invites Wade to the ring. They talks smack. Wade on the apron, then drops off as Sheamus approaches. Sheamus on mic and says to Wade to take a look at this image as it will be Sheamus standing in the ring as the winner of the 2012 Royal Rumble Match! Wade sneers at Sheamus from the stage and shakes his head.
Josh with Miz, talking to him about facing his former friend R-Truth. Miz says those who don’t learn form history are doomed to repeat it. Everyone he’s tagged with who has turned on him – JoMo, Riley, even Big Show – have seen their career disintegrate. From having a 45 second Title reign to being fired. When you turn on Miz, your career crumbles. R-Truth won’t be different. Miz will win the Royal Rumble Match. He will headline WM for the second year in a row. He’s the number one Superstars of all time. He’s the number one must see Superstar of all time. He’s the number one… What do you want? R-Truth is there with a white oxford mis-buttoned over his ring gear and clipboard in hand. R-Truth says, “Good evening, I’m Eric Flicher, WWE Market Researcher. According to our data Mr. Miz. Research doesn’t lie. You’re number one annoying. Number one whining. Number one nincompoop! Number one WEIO!” Miz just looks at R-Truth. “Oh, you don’t know what that mean. That’s means every time Miz is on TV, they’re saying WEIO. As in, what else is on. See, you are, without any question, WWE number one jackass!” Miz gets up in R-Truth’s face and R-Truth says he’s Flicher! They argue until Laurinaitis is there to break them up. Of course Otunga is right there in the shadows with his drink in hand. Laurinaitis says he’s preparing for his match against Punk, but can’t hear himself think. All this number one stuff. Whoever loses this match is the number one entrant in the Royal Rumble Match! Both R-Truth and Miz glare at each other. Miz walks off, R-Truth says, “Quack! Quack!”
Regal is at announce showing off his dancing, then he was slapped down by Funkasaurus. Regal calls Funkasaurus 400lbs of septic tripe jiggling about.
Funkasaurus vs Heath Slater
Regal is still at announce as Funkasaurus and his dancers coem out dancing. The hole in the stage is cordoned off. Funkasaurus comes out in a white track suit with black fedora. His pant leg got caught for the first time, but he sold it well. Sadly he was wearing a white singlet under the white track suit. Slater is outside the ring, not entrance music on TV.
Slater into the ring and Funkasaurus is jiggling around. Regal says Funkasaurus looks like blancmange (I’ll explain in RAW Is Blogged for those on this side of the pond). Shoulder block drops Slater. Regal says Funkasaurus wiggling about like that looks like a walrus giving birth. Funkasaurus into a drop kick that did nothing. Shoulder block. Suplex to Slater as Regal admits Clay’s a machine. Splash in a corner on Slater. Funkasaurus hits his crossbody for three.
Winner – Funkasaurus
Regal says you can’t take anything away from Clay’s skills, but he still can’t dance as well as Regal! Funkasaurus dances in the ring with his fly girls. Regal makes a slightly off color comment about what he could do with Funkasaurus’ dancers.
Royal Rumble 2007 – The last two in the ring were HBK and #30, Taker. HBK tries for sweet chin music, but ends up out over the top.
Miz vs R-Truth – loser will be #1 entrant in Royal Rumble
Miz out to the ring looking totally pissed off, but posing for the fans. Video of Miz turning on R-Truth two months ago with a SCF on the stage. R-Truth comes out to decent pop and a new Little Jimmy shirt!
They lock up and struggle all around the ring. Knee to R-Truth, then blows. Miz into a back elbow, then a blow, then ducks from the ring to regroup. R-Truth out and clotheslines Miz. Miz slid in, then on R-Truth with blows and kicks as R-Truth comes into the ring. King, “R-Truth is very entertaining and anyone who wants to beat up the Miz is a friend of mine.” R-Truth tackles Miz. R-Truth runs into a kick then hung up top. Shoulder block to R-Truth through the ropes and R-Truth lands on the floor (wonderful camera angle).
Miz pins R-Truth for two. Abdominal stretch on R-Truth in the center of the ring. R-Truth elbows Miz’s thigh, then slams him to the mat. R-Truth regroups in a corner and kicks Miz when he rushes in. clotheslines to Miz, then rolls Miz up for two. R-Truth slams Miz to the mat in a very ungainly way, right on Miz’s head. R-Truth pins for a long two. Miz ducks the scissors kick. Miz tries for the neck breaker into the back breaker, but R-Truth reverses into a backslide for two. Miz sets up and hits the double move for two.
Miz stalks R-Truth, but R-Truth throws off the SCF. Big DDT on R-Truth for two. Miz on R-Truth with blows, then stomps. R-Truth slams mat face first to the mat and get the three!
Winner – R-Truth
#1 entrant will be the Miz! Miz lolling on the mat looking a bit ill as R-Truth goes up the ramp he appears to be holding his ribs, but then starts talking to himself.
King and Cole say that they got news about Zack Ryder. King says the news couldn’t be worse, Ryder has a broken back. Cole brings us back to footage from the match. They show Kane’s chokeslam on Ryder and how he’s thrown through the stage. Eve in tears by Ryder. Then Eve ripped on Cena, it’s all Cena’s fault. Cena then has a minor breakdown. Cole goes on to tell us they will keep us up to date on Ryder on TV and on WWE.com.
Laurinaitis is getting warmed up backstage and tells Otunga it’s time for them to go teach Punk a lesson. Otunga says a fax came in and Laurinaitis needs to read it before he goes out there. He has to read it now and won’t like it. Laurinaitis opens the paper, reads it, then gives his patented pensive look.
Punk is heading for the ring.
CM Punk vs John Laurinaitis w/ David Otunga
Punk out to the ring, posing for the fans and getting them riled up even more. Punk’s in the ring warming up his wrists when Laurinaitis is announced, but no music plays. Justin then announces Laurinaitis again, but nothing. Justin announces Laurinaitis for the third time, then Laurinaitis comes out in his ‘future endeavor’ shirt.
In the ring Laurinaitis grabs a mic and says he has some unfortunate news to share with the WWE ‘Universe’ and the WWE talent. He received a fax from the Board of Directors. Even though it pains him to read this, he thinks it’s information everyone needs to hear. Otunga stops up with the fax and a mic. Dear Mr. Laurinaitis, the Board has become concerned about the questionable judgment while running the day to day operations of Monday Night RAW. Especially troubling is your declaration last week that you intend to abuse your authority as Special Guest Ref by intentionally favoring Dolph Ziggler in his match against WWE Champion CM Punk at the Royal Rumble event. Therefore, the board has decided that your status as Interim GM of Monday Night RAW will be officially under review. Next week on RAW you will receive a formal job evaluation to determine whether you continue as Interim RAW GM, or if you will be terminated. And your job evaluation will be conducted by WWE COO, Triple H!
Laurinaitis takes this mic and says to Punk that this means… Punk puts down his mic solidly on the mat, removes his shirt and throws it aside, then grabs his mic and says what this means is that if Laurinaitis intentionally screws him at the Royal Rumble, Laurinaitis will be out of a job. Boo-hoo. Laurinaitis tells Punk that he’s wrong. Punk tells him to shut up. And now there’s nothing stopping Punk from knocking Laurinaitis’ teeth out of his face before Triple H shows Laurinaitis the door! Laurinaitis says Punk has it all wrong. It was a wake up call. Laurinaitis wants to extend an apology to every one of the WWE ‘Universe’, and to Punk for any wrongdoing on his part during his tenure. Punk knows what it’s like.
Punk says that this is all just a misunderstanding? Laurinaitis not letting Foley in the Royal Rumble in is a misunderstanding? Laurinaitis says he’s made a mistake and Foley is in the Royal Rumble Match, okay? He’s in. And he was always going to call the Title match right down the middle. Honestly. He only said that because Punk made fun of him. He was mad, Punk knows what that’s like.
Punk is seething and says right now Laurinaitis’ that spoiled little girl that gets everything she wants all year long, but Christmas is coming and now you’re worried that Santa’s coming and you’re worried that all he’s gonna bring you is a big fat piece of coal. Understand this, if Triple H has inherited any of his grand… I almost said grandfather. Guess it’s his father-in-law. If he’s inherited any of those traits, I hope it’s one thing. He hopes next week he says this to Laurinaitis and he hopes it’s this – YOU’RE FIRED!!!
Laurinaitis looks down his nose at Punk and says that won’t happen. He’s been with the WWE for ten years and took over Talent Relations from the dark ages under JR and made it a corporate entity, okay? He’s not going anywhere. Unfortunately tonight’s match won’t happen under these circumstances, but he has a perfect substitute in David Otunga.
Of course Otunga attacks Punk from the side as Laurinaitis is finishing up Otunga’s name. Otunga on Punk with blows and stomping him. The ref isn’t happy. Rather stiff looking clotheslines to Punk in a corner, but when Otunga steps away a bit, he turns and Punk takes him down. Anaconda vice and Otunga immediately taps out.
Winner – Punk
Punk steps up, not quite in Laurinaitis’ face, but getting there. A back kick – saw Otunga in the tron – to Otunga in the slats, then a kick to the back of Otunga’s head. Then Punk turns back to Laurinaitis. Laurinaitis’ hands are, up trying to talk Punk down. The fans want Laurinaitis flattened. Laurinaitis extends his hand to Punk. Punk grabs Laurinaitis’ hand, pulls him in and up on his shoulders. Laurinaitis’ face never changed as he was up on Punk’s shoulders! He could have been a mannequin! No expression at all as he was poised to take GTS! Of course Punk hit GTS as Laurinaitis sold it by hitting the mat, but still no expression on his face, nothing changed at all. Punk yells at Laurinaitis that that is what he’s talking about. Then Dolph appears behind Punk and hits his zig/zag on Punk. Punk and Laurinaitis laid out on the mat, Punk selling the move, Laurinaitis looking plastic as the fans chanted, “You suck!” to Dolph.
Dolph & Swagger & Vickie
Thanks for reading,