RAW this week starts with a recap of Cena on mic talking down Rock in a rather not PG way. Cena is fighting for the fans, not just for himself. He’s going to beat Rocky in his hometown.
Music and pyro.
Champion vs Champion Match – CM Punk vs Daniel Bryan
Punk to the ring. Video of their match last week. Sheamus got involved, Laurinaitis restarted the match. D-Bry cheated to win, so Long restarted the match. Both wrestlers had their shoulders down, so the ref counted. Laurinaitis decided D-Bry won, Long thought Punk won. Long and Laurinaitis got into it in the ring. Jericho’s music hit and out he came in his blinky jacket, mic in hand. Into the ring to face Punk. Jericho asks if Punk is expecting someone else. Chants for Punk. Jericho says Punk has a big match, but this is more important. He thinks Punk is an amazing performers, one of his favorites, but not as good as Jericho. Not as good at everything in the world like Jericho. He never had to say he was the best, the fans said it. He didn’t have to put it on a shirt, the fans wrote it on signs and brought it to arenas. He’s part of a special breed of performers who toured the world honing their crafts, learning before coming to the WWE. They cared more about having the best match on the show and didn’t care what the hierarchy thought of them, what they were to be. They were handed nothing, took everything. He earned his bad rep in the back and has a bad attitude with TPTB. He knew he was the best. Now Punk is like Jericho, a maverick, a revel who went against the grain to become everything he could. Translation, Punk wants to be like Jericho. He’s a Jericho wannabe like all of the fans.
Punk tells him to stop, he’s sick of listening, so are the fans. They all know how good Jericho is. He doesn’t like Jericho saying he’s taken from Jericho. Everything he has, he earned. Jericho thinks he’s the first to say he’s the best? When Punk was a kid he watched a guy in that ring, Jericho watched him too. Bret ‘The Hitman’ Hart – The best there is. The best there was. The best there ever will be. Did Jericho give that to him when Jericho was two? He’s Canadian too, did Jericho invent Bret being Canadian? Did he invent Canada? Jericho tells them to laugh along with Punk. It’s so typical, smarmy, never taking things seriously. Punk needs to take Jericho seriously, he’s a whole other level. He’s the best in the world and proves it every night, proves he’s better than anyone in the business. He’s faced every HOF’er. Dozens of WrestleMania matches steal the show. He will live on. He’s not telling Punk, he’s proving he’s the best at everything he does.
Punk says Jericho says this and sounds like he has this superiority, but he everything he does screams inferiority. Who’s he trying to convince? Himself? Punk says he says it and is cocky, but Jericho’s starting to sound like jealousy. Punk came from the same places, but has past Jericho. He beat SCSA and Rock in one night, but he’s never been the man the way Punk is. So now he’s back trying to point the blame elsewhere. Jericho says he’s he best in the world at what he does, Punk says he’s the best wrestler in the world. Distinction is simple. Punk was born this way, what he does. Jericho chooses to leave and write books and game shows and be a rockstar. Punk is there swimming with sharks while Jericho is dancing with stars! Jericho glares, then smirks. Jericho says when he was dancing with stars and becoming a better star than Punk will ever be, all he could think of was Punk ripping him off. Jericho says all of those vignette and jacket is all window dressing, but he’s back for one reason only, to embarrass him on the grandest stage of them all. He will take the Title at WrestleMania. He will prove it and claim it every single night.
That’s all Jericho had to say, best in the world versus best in the world at WrestleMania. He doesn’t need to point at that sign. Punk doesn’t need Chris Brown and Jericho doesn’t need Mickey Rourke, and they don’t need the pyro or anything to show how awesome they are, and screw his Lite Brite jacket. All they need is the two of them in the ring, they will find out who the best in the world is. Those are the only ingredients needed to have what could be the greatest WRESTLING match at WrestleMania. Punk has something Jericho covets, but when Jericho looks over his shoulder and sees Punk celebrating, it won’t be the end of the world, just the end of Jericho’s!
D-Bry out to the ring celebrating. AJ in tow wearing a cropped shirt, skintight jeans. Otunga and Laurinaitis also follow them out.
Punk talks smack with Laurinaitis on the apron, D-Bry attacks from behind. D-Bry on Punk in the corner, but Punk turns it around. D-Bry sent flying from the ring. Up on the apron, Punk knocks him off again. Long is also at announce, Santino standing beside him, just as Laurinaitis does on the opposite side of announce, but Laurinaitis is texting.
Kicks to D-Bry, but then back at Punk in a corner. Punk reverses to chops. D-Bry whipped, flips over Punk, Punk back with a crossbody for two. Cole kisses Laurinaitis’ bum, but barely notices Long on the other side of King. Long and Laurinaitis argue about who screwed up this match last week. Upper cut to Punk, then a knee on Punk’s head on the mat. Cole verbally attacks Long for the work he’s doing. Laurinaitis says Long doesn’t treat his talent well. Punk on D-Bry with kicks to the back and covered for two.
Chops on D-Bry on the ropes. Punk runs then holds the ropes, D-Bry dumped over the top and out. AJ over to D-Bry. The ref yells at AJ to get away and she’s all meek and timid. Punk out and shoulder first into the stairs.
D-Bry on Punk with an abdominal stretch. D-Bry with a superplex on Punk and a double pin again. D-Bry rushes with a double kick, Punk moves and D-Bry lands on the back of his head. Punk with kicks and blows. Back kick to D-Bry, then clothesline. Swinging neckbreaker to D-Bry. Running high knee in a corner, but missed the bulldog. Punk slammed D-Bry and climbed. Punk hit his Savage elbow, but was holding his arm or his gut and didn’t cover. Punk motioned for the GTS, but Otunga on the apron for the distraction. D-Bry tries for la bell, but Punk reverses and frees himself. Both go for crossbodies and are down.
Otunga on the apron, Santino up and hits the cobra. Laurinaitis up and trips Santino from the apron. Long up and in Laurinaitis’ face. They yell and scream, then Otunga and Santino into it as D-Bry takes his belt and is leaving until Sheamus comes out, grabs D-Bry again and sends him into the ring. GTS and Punk pins, but Laurinaitis in and won’t let the ref count. Laurinaitis demands the ref calls for the bell.
Winner – ?
Punk screams at Laurinaitis. Long pushes Laurinaitis to his bum in the ring. Punk with a HUGE grin for that. Otunga in and yelling at Long, Santino in and yelling too. Both jackets come off. Laurinaitis throws his tie at Long. Punk leaves, then poses on the stage, but Jericho, shirtless in his black leather pants, attacks Punk. Slams Punk down on the metal stage. Jericho soaks in all the reaction, then locks on the walls. Jericho’s knee about on the back of Punk’s head it was on so tightly. A couple refs out and get Jericho to let Punk go. Jericho grabs the strap and poses with it high. Jericho lays the strap over Punk and tells him to enjoy the time he can, four weeks!
Josh says Punk is in the trainer’s room, but more angry than hurt.
Recap of Triple H and Taker starting last year at WrestleMania, all the way up to last week on RAW. Other wrestlers talk about how huge and epic it all was. Big Show, Edge, Orton, Cena, even Rocky.
Nikki w/ Brie vs Kelly
Kelly in gold, Bellas in black, already in the ring. Kelly on Nikki with Thesz Press. Kelly kneed in the gut, then slammed. Kelly again slammed to the mat for two. Snap mare on Kelly for two. Kelly kicked in a corner. Drop toe hold on Nikki in the corner. Kelly with her uber spinning head scissors. Kelly plants Nikki face first in the ring and stops twin magic. Kelly manages a rather pretty bridge for three.
Winner – Kelly
Cena vs Miz
Cena’s music as he’s in Portland rather than Daytona. He’s all smiles on stage, then to the ring. He’s all smiles and doesn’t look as though he’s had a long day traveling. Miz out, mic in hand. He has something to get off his chest. He worked too hard to be treated like this. This past year no one has worked harder than Miz, not even Cena. Who does the WWE rely on for all media? Miz! Yet, his name has yet to be called upon for WrestleMania. “You suck!” chants. He tells the fans to shut up. They’d love it if he wasn’t on WrestleMania? They agree. Really! He’s going to rectify this crime. He’s going to prove he’s WrestleMania worthy! He is WrestleMania! He’s going to do it by beating the man he beat in the main event of last year’s WrestleMania!
Side headlock on Miz. Miz reverses. Dueling cants for Cena. Hip toss, then on Miz in a corner. Fishermans suplex on Miz. Miz runs into a back elbow. Miz up but elbows out. Back into neck breaker on Cena for two. Knees to Cena’s face. High knee on Cena for two. More dueling chants for Cena. Body drop on Miz. Miz whipped, then splashed. Clothesline to Miz, but his suplex didn’t work. DDT on a kneeling Cena for two. Miz takes a lot of time and hits his corner clothesline on Cena. Miz climbs , but Cena ducks Miz. Shoulder tackles, then slam in what Cole calls ‘vintage’ Cena. 5 knuckle shuffle on Miz, then he’s up for an AA and then Cena locks on the STF. Miz taps out.
Winner – Cena
Cena looks down at Miz on the mat, then stands up on the second ropes. Up on the tron Rocky is watching Cena on a monitor as he runs in place. He stops, looks at the camera seriously and slowly waves his hand in front of his face. Then Rocky mimes pulling down a shade and the screen goes back as he pulls it down. Cena watching Rocky on the tron, then up to the stage to pose more.
WWE Tag Team Championship Match – R-Truth & Kofi Kingston vs Jack Swagger & Dolph Ziggler vs Colons (Epico & Primo) (C)
R-Truth out to the ring. Kofi out to join him. EXCUSE ME!! EXCUSE ME!! Vickie out with Swagger and Dolph. Rosa out in a two piece electric blue outfit with her boys.
Kofi, Primo and Dolph in, but Dolph rolls out. Primo back and forth running the ropes until Kofi takes him down Dolph in, raised high by Kofi then splatted on the mat. Monkey flip to Primo. R-Truth tags in and pins Dolph, but Primo breaks it up. Shoulder block to Dolph, drop kick to Primo. R-Truth takes Dolph out, but Swagger in with a shoulder block. Kofi in and takes Swagger out along with himself. The ring is empty.
R-Truth pins Primo, then Swagger on R-Truth with blows him his corner. Dolph then chokes R-Truth. Primo pins, Swagger breaks it up. Pushing match between Primo and Swagger. Dolph taks in and hits a drop kick on R-Truth. Primo pins, Dolph breaks it up. They argue. R-Truth up and on both of them. R-Truth grabs Primo, Dolph rushes them. DDT to Primo and a front slam on Dolph at the same time! Everyone screaming for a tag.
Dolph and Epico tag in, but they end up fighting and Kofi gets the tag. Kofi on both of them with blows and drop kicks to both. Swagger eats corner, Kofi climbs. Crossbody on Swagger and pins, but moves so Epico breaking it up his Swagger. Epico scooped and slammed on Swagger’s back. Boom drops on Epico, then one for Swagger, but Dolph slams Kofi to the mat. R-Truth removes Dolph form the ring. Swagger pins Kofi for two. Ankle lock on Epico, but Kofi with TIB breaks it up. Back stabber from Primo on Swagger, Epico takes the three.
Winners & still Tag Team Champs – Colons
Fire erupts on the stage and out comes Kane! Big boot to Primo. Double chokeslams on Epico and Dolph. R-Truth on Kane, but then he’s chokelsammed. Kane then calls fire from all four corners. Kane then leaves the ring, looking at the carnage as he goes.
Otunga and Laurinaitis backstage talking about the Academy Awards. Long into his office, but Laurinaitis demands he leave. Long says there’s a rumor that Laurinaitis won’t be in charge of RAW next week. Laurinaitis says Long will have to buy a ticket as he’s been fired as GM. Long says what’s not a rumor is that Laurinaitis is a horse’s ass!
Recap of Eve’s heel turn, Cena seeing it, then the hoeski fallout in the ring.
In Ring Segment
Eve out in a gray strapless dress, flinging attitude the whole way. Huge heat for Eve. She glares around at the fans. “Hoeski!” chants. She says if they want to judge her, go for it. She’s a woman living in a man’s world. She tells them what they need to hear, and they love it. She uses men, but there isn’t one who doesn’t want to be used by her. It’s not her fault men are seduced for her. Men crumble at her feet, begging for attention. Really, we shouldn’t blame her for her natural strengths, blame themselves for their weaknesses. Eve blows a kiss, poses, then leaves the ring. Up the ramp with her head held high and ass swaying. Cole talks about how much people are talking about Eve online.
Kelly up to find out what’s going on with Eve, they were good friends, now Eve ignores her. Eve laughs and walks off. Fox and Kelly look at each other. Kelly glares. Looks like the start of a feud!
Big Show and Sheamus talking off mic, then then head to the ring for their tag match.
King and Cole set up for a movie coming out, Bending The Rules staring Edge. It’s an action comedy and this is the premier of the trailer.
King and Cole talk about possible leadership changes on RAW and Smackdown.
Big Show & Sheamus vs Cody Rhodes & Mark Henry
Big Show out to the ring. Video of the growing issues between Big Show and Cody. Sheamus out to join his partner. Henry out to the ring. Henry will be inducted into the International Sports Hall of Fame! Cody out to join Henry with a big smile on his face. Cody grabs a mic and says on May 5th Miguel Cotto will face Mayweather. Mayweather weighs all of 150lbs, making what he did to Big Show all the more embarrassing. Video of Mayweather and Big Show’s feud, starting with Mayweather breaking Big Show’s nose.
Big Show in and wants Cody. Cody in slowly, then tags Henry in. Cody to the floor with a big smile. Big Show on Henry with punches and then stomps him. Big Show spears Henry, then out to grab Cody. Cody flees and ends up on the ramp. Big Show yells at Cody. Sheamus takes the tag. Brogue kick to Henry for three.
Winners – Big Show & Sheamus
Big Show is still yelling at Cody who ducks backstage. Tomorrow morning at 10am there will be an announcement on WWE.com
Recap of Cena’s mic work last week. The same video that started the show.
HBK returns next week on RAW.
In Ring Segment
The chants for Rocky start before his music even hits! Rocky out looking slimmer and trimmer than he did in Journey 2. He poses on a corner while the fans go wild! More posing while he soaks it all in. this is the first time he’s been in Portland to perform, but he watched his father there when he was 10 years old. The music ends, but the chanting doesn’t. He laughs as he can’t start for the noise, but he keeps trying to quiet them. He puts his arm to the camera. He’s covered in goosebumps because this feels so damn good. “Rocky!” chants. He takes a drink of water. “Boots to asses!” chants. He still tries to quiet them. He says they’ll get into some chants all night long. This might come as a shock to a lot of people, but he’s not there every single week. He was for years and year and he loved it. Rock was born and created in the WWE. He also knows if it wasn’t for the WWE and the fans, Rock wouldn’t exist. When he came back and said he was never going away, he meant it. It didn’t mean every RAW and Smackdown, that wasn’t expected. But if someone in the back wanted to take it literally. Unlike him… “Fruity Pebbles!” chants. Rocky says he loves that chant. Unlike him, he respects the audience’s intelligence because they know he was born in this business and his heart and soul is in this business, they know that he’s in this ring for no other reason than loving the WWE. He will always be part of the WWE and the WWE will always be a part of him.
Cena. For years Rock thought he was a phony. No way that the guy who graduated from private school became the Doctor of Thuganomics. He was from the streets, from the hood. Then he realized Cena’s not a phony. He’s the guy who ran Rocky down with all that passion and anger. That he had to go through all those people to get to Rocky, but he has his cell number and called him on it. But he doesn’t want to talk to Cena on his cell, in public, backstage. He sees Cena backstage in catering, eating, much rather slap Cena’s face with a piece of kung pow chicken. “Rocky!” chants. Cena’s not a phony, or a bad guy. What Cena is is a kung pow bitch. “Kung pow bitch!” chants.
Rocky stops, thinks, then says last week Cena said something that landed on Rocky and resonated with him. Come April 1st Cena will fight for all the people in the back who love being professional wrestlers. Rocky grew up in this business and was always taught there was no one going to fight for him. The only one going to fight for you is you. That’s how we learn, that’s how we got better. No one fought for him. He think when he was clawing his way up that someone would fight for him? Cena think that when Rocky was a babyface, but the fans were booing him unmercifully – the way they do Cena – does he think SCSA was fighting for him? Hell no. Someone fighting for Triple H, Foley, Savage? No! Think anyone fought for Piper? Hell no! No one had to fight for them because they were men. He wants to fight for them in the back, okay. While Cena fights for them (guys in the back), Rocky fights for then (the fans). They go wild for this. “Rocky!” chants.
He fights for the people. He fights for the people who are sick and tired of having a kung pow bitch shoved down their throats every night! “Kung pow bitch!” chants. By the way, Portland trending, kung pow bitch! Listen to the fans, they’re tired of him every single night. They’re not tired of being entertained. It’s where he comes in. he loves and lives to entertain – in the ring, on the movie screen. The mention of movies gets Rocky a tiny bit of heat. Ever time he and the fans get together, they innovate, trail blaze, break new ground. When Rocky came back and said Cena looks like a big fat bowl of Fruity Pebbles. The fans start chanting and we find Cena’s monkey ass on the cover of a cereal box! “Fruity Pebbles!” chants. (I think there was a ‘Fruity f-ing Pebbles’ chant in there as something was bleeped and Rock laughed.) Rocky came back and said he’s going to take his size 15 boot and stick it straight up Cena’s lady parts. What happened, they started chanting, then boom, trending worldwide. You’re welcome, bitch!
Rocky says half the crowd is chanting ‘Rocky’, the other half chanting ‘lady parts’, which do they want to chant? He calls for a count of three and starts the ‘lady parts’ chant. Then he does it for ‘Rocky’, his favorite. See Cena, listen to them. They have fun, they entertain, they innovate. What’s the most innovative thing Cena’s done this year. He changed his jean shorts to camo shorts. That camo is working Jack, he speaks for everyone around the world in saying that they can’t find Cena’s whatsoever! The fans love this.
Now, Cena’s missing balls, trending worldwide. “Missing balls!” chants. Cena’s music hits and he comes out with a big smile on his face. Cena says it’s too much fun, he wasn’t going to miss this. He actually referred to him as kung pow chicken. Only Rock could do that. It’s genius! Every Chinese restaurant has it. This is perfect. Rock comes out and does his schtick as only Rock can do, but he must admit he didn’t come out to swing from the people’s strudel, or whatever Rock is calling his penis nowadays. He came out to say Rock is right, he is that guy. He runs Rock down when he’s not there. As usual, Rock is only half right, because Cena’s the guy who runs Rock down when he is there. See, these people love the Rock and he was one of them until he met Dwayne Johnson. He’s a self centered, egotistical, see through son of a bitch that wouldn’t give a rat’s ass if this company closed its doors tomorrow. He doesn’t need words like respect and loyalty to trend worldwide, just like he doesn’t need his notes for his promo on his wrist. Nice tattoo. So, on April 1st when the millions see Cena verses Rocky, Cena will eye up Dwayne Johnson. He doesn’t like Dwayne. He’ll make his boobs bounce, put this thing on his eyebrow, make it the people’s eyebrow. Cena will be looking in the eyes of Dwayne Johnson, seeing a man afraid. Rocky might be looking at someone who doesn’t have balls, but a dude who’s going to beat the hell out of Rock at WrestleMania.
Cena leaves the ring. On the bottom of the ramp Cena turns and tells Rocky to carry on, continue trending. Cena turns and drops the mic as he goes. He actually gets some pop. Lots of heat, but some pop.
Rock looks after Cena as the “Rocky!” chants start. Rocky says it’s like Cena to come out, run his mouth and run away before Rock slaps the lips of Cena’s face. The fans go wild. It doesn’t surprise Rocky that Cena went out and confused the world. He doesn’t like Dwayne, likes the Rock. Cena’s back there listening, The Rock, Dwayne Johnson, Dwayne Johnson, The Rock, same man in the ring and out there. The difference between them? Cena comes out and runs his mouth about being tough, Cena aint tough. They both know it. The bottom line is this, The Rock, Dwayne Johnson, The Rock, The People’s Champ, The Great One, The Most Electrifying Man In All Entertainment, it doesn’t matter! The only thing that matters, and Cena is back there listening, is that what Rocky’s going to do on the biggest stage of WrestleMania, the biggest match of all time, all the nicknames you want to throw, Team Bring It Worldwide are going to bring it and kick your candy ass all over WrestleMania!
If you smelllllllllll what the Rock is cookin’! Rocky poses on the corner with the WrestleMania sign over his shoulder.
Thanks for reading and bearing with me so I can get all of the best Road to WrestleMania promos out to you word for word. I love writing the Raw Report and want to make it the best possible, and for me that’s making sure that I write everything I can for every segment.