RAW this week starts with music and pyro.
King and Cole talked about the dawning of a new era, then to video of VKM firing Laurinaitis. Then on to video of Cyndi Lauper and how she’ll be here.
In Ring Segment
Foley out to the ring, in a suit! Okay, he looks dumpy as ever, brown pants and tie, black jacket, but he’s in a suit. He says he was on his way, blast from the past to promote the 1,000th episode, but he got a call that they were reaching out to former GMs. Since he was the Commissioner of the WWE and from Long Island, saving considerable transportation, so RAW and Smackdown will both be hosted by Mrs. Foley’s Baby Boy. There will be a Tag Team Contest – Kane and Bryan will face Sheamus and Punk. One other thing he has to mention, though Laurinaitis was fired, he was given the opportunity to come out and give his farewell address. Foley announces the FORMER Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and the FORMER General Manager for RAW and Smackdown – John Laurinaitis.
Laurinaitis out in a light brown suit with a soft neck brace, his arm in a sling and his single crutch. He has that horrible pissy look on his face. King says sometimes employment’s overrated. Foley holds the ropes for Laurinaitis. “You’re fired!” chants for Laurinaitis. My name is Mr. John Laurinaitis. HUGE heat from the fans! He tries to quiet them and a resounding, “You suck!” chants. My name is Mr. John Laurinaitis. HUGE heat.
Foley takes the mic and says Mr. Laurinaitis wants some respect and keep the noise down. Then Foley acts like he’s listening to Laurinaitis and then says, on mic, you really want me to say that? You really want me to tell them you said Long Island sucks? Even more heat. Laurinaitis denies, so Foley says Laurinaitis said it again, Long Island sucks.
“Shut up! I said shut up!” You fans of the WWE ‘Universe’, especially in Long Island are rude! He’ll give his farewell speech later, but before he was fired he made a Handicap Match for tonight. Cena will face Big Show, Otunga and Laurinaitis. Think of that as a parting gift to Cena, and the fans. Laurinaitis then told Foley to get over there. Laurinaitis leans into Foley and yells, “Have a nice day!” in a very nasty way. Laurinaitis is struggling from the ring and down the stairs to even more heat!
Laurinaitis to the bottom of the ramp and Sheamus’ music hits. Sheamus out with a huge grin. Sheamus to the bottom of the ramp smiles at Laurinaitis, says something off mic, then heads to the ring. Sheamus poses in the ring and gets solid pop.
Punk’s music and backs down the ramp, but stops when he sees Laurinaitis. Punk fakes kicking dirt on Laurinaitis’ shoes, winds up and yells, off mic, that Laurinaitis’ out of there – as if in baseball. Punk poses in the ring to even more pop.
Last Monday Kane and Bryan faced Punk and AJ. AJ got the accidental tag, then skipped around Kane before jumping on him and about shoving her tongue down his throat.
Punk & Sheamus vs Bryan & Kane
Sheamus and Punk are in the ring talking about the video. Fire erupts and out comes Kane. He calls fire from all four corners. Bryan out in his leather “YES!” jacket to match the rest of his ring gear.
“YES!” chants until Sheamus takes Bryan over in a side headlock takeover. Shoulder block drops Bryan, then catches Bryan who wiggles free. Bryan pulls the ropes down and Sheamus out, but Sheamus over the top with a shoulder block. Sheamus grabs Bryan and slams him to the mat. Punk tags in, comes over the top and onto Bryan for two. Punk’s held the Title for the longest reign in 15 years (let me check that fact later). Bryan back on Punk and tags out. Punk whipped and splashes for two. Shoulder hold on Punk. Kane on Punk and pins for two. Punk whipped, but gets a foot up. Punk on Bryan on the apron, and Kane in the ring with blows. Bryan knocked off the apron and flies through the ropes onto Bryan. Kane hung up on the ropes, then Punk climbs, but Kane takes him down hard!
Chinlock on Punk. He tries to lift Kane but can’t, so he kicks Kane in the shoulder to get free. Sheamus tags in and off the top wiith a shoulder block. A blows to Bryan, then running high knee on Kane. Sheamus picks up Kane and slams him like he’s nothing for two. Irish curse back breaker on Kane for two. Blows to Bryan over the ropes, but Kane up and charging, so Sheamus side steps and Kane nails Bryan in the upper back with a forearm!
Sheamus with Kane up, but Kane free and sends Sheamus flying from the ring. Bryan hits a low drop kick on Sheamus, right to the face. Punk out and argues with the ref. Sheamus sent in by Kane and pinned for two. Kane won’t let Sheamus tag out. Bryan tags in and on Sheamus with kicks in a corner. Running drop kick to Sheamus in a corner for two. Headlock on Sheamus on the mat. Sheamus up and on Bryan with blows, but eats a high knee, then kicks on Sheamus for two. Front facelock and tags out.
Kane eats blows from Sheamus on his knees. Sheamus whipped, then eats Kane’s side slam for two. Kane climbs and comes off with a big clothesline for two. Bryan tags in and on Sheamus with kicks and stomps, each one earning a “YES!” Sheamus kicks Bryan off, but Bryan back on Sheamus to keep him from Punk. Sheamus in a corner and Bryan runs from the opposite corner with a drop kick, but Sheamus moves and Bryan hits the top corner with the back of his thighs, then mat hard on his back. Sheamus is able to tag out.
Punk in with clotheslines, but but misses the tilt-a-whirl. Punk manages his fast scoop slam (looking much faster than last week). A high knee in the corner followed by the running bulldog on Bryan. Punk climbs, eyes Kane, points up, but Bryan runs up the corner and hits a beautiful superplex on Punk. Both are down.
AJ’s music and she comes out wearing red and black. One leg of her skin tight pants are red, the other black. A black lace up top with a little red sticking out from under it, and a Kane-esque mask over it all. She skips around the ring, then back up the ramp and out. Kane follows her from ringside, kind of up to the ramp, but stops there. “What are you doing?” screams Bryan. Punk tags out, but hits GTS on Bryan. A brogue kick and Sheamus pins Bryan for three.
Winners – Sheamus & Punk (14:21)
Kane is lost, confused as he stares up the ramp. Punk and Sheamus celebrate in the ring. Punk and Sheamus pose in the ring. Bryan on the floor is holding his jaw. Video of AJ’s prancing around the ring. Sheamus and Punk shake hands, then a slight hug in the ring.
Ziggler and Swagger arguing about who’s been World Heavyweight Champion for how long and who’s stronger, who’s the star. EXCUSE ME! She’s so tired of them arguing and bickering. Time for her to make a decision. Who deserves her admiration, devotion and respect. She spoke to Foley and they’re taking it to the ring now. Ziggler leaves, Swagger says to Vickie that it better be him. The fans can be heard chanting, VERY loudly, “We want Ziggler!”
Laurinaitis and Otunga laughing about Foley. Big Show comes in and wants to know what’s funny. Laurinaitis says one on one Big Show can’t beat Cena. So tonight Big Show, Laurinaitis and Otunga will face Cena. Big Show will knock Cena out and Laurinaitis will pin Cena for the 1-2-3. What’s funny is how the WWE ‘Universe’ won’t forget John Laurinaitis. What else is funny is these people don’t deserve him. He gave so much in the name of People Power. Tonight he’s going to leave a lasting impression we’ll never forget. That’s what’s funny.
Big Show says he doesn’t find anything funny. Anything, at all.
Big Show leaves and Laurinaitis says, tonight, Cena’s gonna get his.
Ziggler vs Swagger
Ziggler to the ring. Up on a corner and he yells about how he delivers every time!
Swagger climbs into the ring and poses.
They lock up. Swagger behind Ziggler and takes him down. Pushups from Swagger. The both regroup. Ziggler grabs Swagger ankle and takes him down. They regroup, then argue again. Side headlock on Swagger. Swagger knocks Ziggler off who comes down odd on a knee. Swagger chop block on that knee. Swagger grabs that leg and slams the knee on the mat hard. Swagger uses the ropes and stands on Ziggler’s knee. Ziggler slammed back into a corner, then wraps the knee in the ropes and wrenches it. Swagger pulls down the knee pad and drops an elbow, then another on the knee. Swagger with a hold on the mat wrenches the knee yelling, “I’m better than you!”
Swagger struts, but Ziggler on Swagger and pins for two. Swagger manages to lock on the ankle lock. Ziggler is screaming, but won’t tap out. He pulls for the ropes, but can’t gett here and is pulled back into the center of the ring. Swagger really locks on the hold, but then somehow sends Swagger face first into the corner. Ziggler somehow manages to grab Swagger, hits the zig-zag for three.
Winner – Ziggler (4:36)
Vickie into the ring, all excited, then a very sexy, but not over the top, kiss between them!
Recap of Triple H challenging Brock to a match at SummerSlam. Trip wants to fight. Or Brock can be happy being a quitter. Whatever works for Brock, Trip will be waiting.
A limo pulls in out back.
King talks about October 5, 1998 when VKM was in the hospital. Mankind appeared with balloons and other things, but then Mr. Socko came to make VKM feel better! After that Austin came in and attacked VKM. He beat on VKM’s leg, hit VKM over the head with a bedpan. The sound of the bedpan is something King will never forget. So they show that part again.
In Ring Segment
Brock’s music, but it’s Heyman who comes out. “ECW” chants. Heyman introduces himself to solid pop. He’s there as the advocate for Brock Lesnar. He understands that every person in the tower caters to each of Trip’s whims. But Brock doesn’t, so here’s a word Trip doesn’t know. NO! Brock won’t drop his lawsuit against the WWE. NO! Heyman won’t drop his lawsuit against Triple H. Most importantly, no, Brock won’t fight Trip at SummerSlam. He thanks the fans for their kind attention. Triple H, thanks for your time, as well.
Heyman is starting to leave the ring when Trip’s music hits. Heyman doesn’t look very happy about this. Trip stands on the stage for a few moments, then heads for the ring. Heyman watches Trip closely in the ring. Trip circles Heyman. The fans are HOT for Trip. He says he looks around and notices that they’re not in a bingo hall, and Trip isn’t one of Heyman’s cronies from the 90′s drinking Heyman Kool Aid. Heyman’s a habitual liar. Trip says Brock will fight him at SummerSlam. Heyman cuts Trip up. Trip says he only wants to hear from Brock and hear him say he’ll fight him at SummerSlam. He can give Brock what he wants. Brock wants to be the star and he can give that.
Trip shows a poster for SummerSlam with Brock’s face. Brock can be the star of that promotion. All he has to do is step up and agree to fight Trip. Heyman says he’s going to try to play to Brock’s ego with that? Brock doesn’t have an ego. Trip says Heyman usually lies better than that. Brock came out and said he wanted it called Monday Night RAW Starring Brock Lesnar! He has no ego? It’s all about ego for Brock. Brock would rather make his money sitting in a court room? Trip might add that he has a whole room full of lawyers salivating over getting Heyman in court. Brock is all about ego. Brock will do this, because of he doesn’t he’ll go down as the guy scared of Triple H.
Heyman laughs and says Trip is good. He’s that damn good. He almost had Heyman going. Come on! Stop! Please stop! Pretty please stop! Stop playing the wrestler. Stop playing the ass kicker he used to be. Go back to the ivory tower where everyone caters to his every whim. Go back home to his little princesses and play the King of Kings because in Brock and Heyman’s world, Trip’s not the king of anything! Is Trip getting angry? Getting mad? Going to hit him now, big, bad wrestler? He’s getting to be more and more like Vince every day. Just like he knows how to push Vince’s buttons, he now knows hot to do the same with Trip. He wants to hit Heyman? Hit him right now! Heyman gives Trip his chin, finger on it, showing Trip where to hit him. He’ll take one for Team Lesnar. If he even thinks of hitting Heyman, they will own this joint. In Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar’s WWE, they have nothing for Trip.
Heyman turns to leave and then returns and says he does have something for Stephanie. Trip grabs Heyman by the front of his shirt and tie. Heyman yells at Trip to do it! Do it! Trip lets him go. Heyman says he knew Trip wouldn’t hit him. He out thinks Trip. He knows what Trip will do before he does it. Cerebra Assassin? Uh huh! He’s smarter than Trip. Sees everything Trip is gonna do from a mile away. Trip belts Heyman. Heyman drops like a Rock and the fans are wild!
“Did ya see that comin’? Tell Brock Lesnar, I’ll see him at SummerSlam. That is unless he’s afraid the same thing will happen to him.” Trip drops the mic and leaves the ring. The trainer and refs in to check on Heyman Trip stops on the stage and looks back down at the ring. Video of Heyman smiling as Trip let him go, but then Trip hit him. In the ring Heyman is slowly sitting up and looks like he’s in a fog.
Stills from the Tax Match at No Way Out, right down to Ricardo’s ADR panties. ADR is cleared to compete and will face Santino, next.
ADR w/ Ricardo vs Santino
Justin announces Ricardo who announces ADR. ADR comes out in an 2011 Audi A7 (?). Santino to the ring.
ADR on Santino with a kick, then backs him into a corner with kicks. Snap mare, then low drop kick on Santino for two. Arm hold on Santino. Santino to his feet, but a head butt drops Santino. Santino ducks ADR and hits a hip toss, but misses his flying head butt. ADR rushes Santino in a corner, but eats double feet. Santino reaches for the cobra, but eats and enziguri. A cross arm breaker and Santino taps out.
Winner – ADR (1:52)
Ricardo announces the win loudly, then celebrates with ADR. ADR leaves the ring, but Ricardo grabs Santino’s arm and slams back to the mat, hitting an actual move in the ring. ADR is smug on the stage, Ricardo is all smiles and excitement.
Cyndi Lauper on the WWF back in the day, mixed in with her Girls Just Want To Have Fun video. She ripped on Moolah, called her old and helped Richter beat Moolah.
In Ring Segment
Layla in the ring announces Wendi Richter and Cyndi Lauper. Cyndi hasn’t been in a WWE ring in 27 years! Lauper comes out in black leather pants and a plaid blazer with leather sleeves. Wendi is in a black and frilly evening gown with a big red feather boa. She’s packed on a few pounds, but almost anyone would look heavy standing with Lauper and Layla! Layla and Lauper dance in the ring. The fans don’t seem thrilled to see Lauper there. Mixed reaction for Lauper, and almost none for Wendi. She says it’s been so long, but it was so great when Lauper was her manager, they went to the very first WrestleMania in MSG and Wendi became Champion! (Obviously speaking from a memorized script, and spoken very badly!)
Out comes Slater. He tells them to hold on one minute. He knows they’re no where near the Long Island Railroad, but this is nothing but a train wreck. Lauper asks who he is. He asks if that’s a joke? He’s Heath Slater, the One Man Band, baby! How many people does she have in her band? Six, seven? Lauper says she can afford a band. He says there’s only one in his. She tells him good luck with that. He won’t let them ruin his moment. Why don’t them broads move over there and listen to his single. The fans are chanting that they want either Ryder or Ryback. “I’m the one man band! I’ll take you by the hand! I’m the one man band. I’ll make you understand! I’m the one man band!”
Luckily Slater is cut off by Piper! He comes out to the ring in all his normal regalia. He very sweetly shakes Layla’s hand. She’s giddy! Lauper is chanting with the fans. Piper goes to kiss Layla’s hand, but she points to her cheek. He leans in and she turns to get a kiss full on the lips. Piper laughs and is shocked. He says he loves her too. Piper moves on and says miss Richter (sounding like wrecked-her, then she corrects him and he pronounces it correctly, like Ricked-er). He kisses her hand. He sensually kisses Lauper’s hand. Piper then looks at Slater and says, “Miss Slater, take a hike.”
Slater says, “You have to be kidding me!” Piper didn’t even like Lauper in the day! Lauper says he’s seen the error in his ways and he’s back to apologize! Piper says that when girls wanna have fun, they call Hot Rod! The fans love this! He doesn’t care what anyone says, it was the Rock ‘N’ Wrestling Connection that made the WWE what it is today and that was the two of them. Lauper quietly says, “And Louis Vincent.” meaning Captain Lou Albano. The fans go wild for that. Piper removes his jacket and says he’s been waiting a long time to do this. He loves her and loves her music. He has something for her. “Rowdy!” chants. Through all this Cole is making nasty comments about the age of the people in the ring. Slater is snorting into his mic at the least opportune moments.
He takes a framed something from someone outside the ring. Piper says long ago there was a great manager. Lauper is in tears. He looks up to the sky, and says, Captain Lou Albano. “Lou!” chants. Piper was having a bad day and hit Captain Lou over the head with a gold record. Piper wants to give her this gold record on behalf of himself, on behalf of the entire WWE ‘Universe’. She’s the best lady who’s ever been paired with the WWE. She is gold to us. They all love her for what she’s done, for Wendi, himself, Layla – his voice is thick with emotion, and tears. Piper, in tears, hugs Lauper in tears as Cole rants that he’s going to be sick. Wendi says they all owe a lot to her.
Slater goes on about it being 20 years ago and no one cares about it. Why don’t they get out of his ring and he’ll get his gold record one day. Slater starts screeching that horrible ‘song’. Piper tells Slater he sings like a bird, a vulture. Double poke to Slater’s eyes. Piper yells that he’s over here! Slater turns around and Lauper hits Slater over the head with the frames record – twice! Lauper, Wendi and Layla dance. Lauper tries tickling Slater in the face with Wendi’s feather boa. Piper yells for a medic as there’s a little trickle of blood on Slater’s forehead.
My laptop completely crashed! Sorry about the extra time.
WWE Slam of The Week
NWO, #1 Contender Tag Team Match – AW sent Primo in to get flattened by Young, then stopped Epico from breaking up the pinfall.
Primo & Epico w/ Rosa vs Prime Time Players (Darren Young & Titus O’Neil) w/ AW
Primo and Epico in the ring with Rosa, all looking very upset. AW to the stage announce the Prime Time Players, Titus O’Neil and Darren Young. They come to the ring together.
O’Neil on Epico in the ring. Young tags in, O’Neil slams Epico, then O’Neil slms Young on Epico for two. Young rips at Epico’s face, then a chinlock. Epico free and taps out. Primo on him with a back elbow, then a drop kick. Primo off the corner, O’Neil breaks the pinfall. Primo sends O’Neil from the ring. Young on Primo, but then Primo hits a back stabber on Young. O’Neil pulls Young from the ring. Primo and Epico baseball slide into both of them. The Colons about to fly out onto all three guys, but AW pulls them up to the bottom of the ramp. AW says they’re the #1 contenders. They don’t get back in the ring and are counted out.
Winners – Primo & Epico (2:56)
Primo and Epico and Rosa in the ring are unhappy about all this. The three on the ramp couldn’t care less, they already are the #1 contenders.
Laurinaitis is talking, off mic, to Otunga and Big Show about how things will go down in their match.
King then says that Jericho will return next Monday on RAW.
In Ring Segment
Laurinaitis in the ring. He says My name is John Laurinaitis, Executive, the former Vice President of Talent Relations and permanent General Manager for RAW and Smackdown. He says last night Cena cheated. Five other people helped Cena cheat to win. After that Cena put him on his shoulders, VKM said to Laurinaitis, ‘You’re fired!’, then proceeded to dump him through the announce table. (Actually, it was Spanish Announce, but Laurinaitis has to make one big screw up on mic each week – must be in his contract.) Laurinaitis’ not the loser here. Big Show’s not the loser here. You know who the biggest loser in this match is, each and every fan because they now don’t have People Power. Laurinaitis then started to point to people and tell them they were losers. Everyone at home is a loser and everyone in the arena is a loser! Of course Laurinaitis gets huge heat for this. The next time we’ll see him is when he’s inducted into the WWE HOF.
I can hear someone on announce coughing, has to be King. Laurinaitis says this is one of the darkest days in WWE history, but you know what? He’s going to give us what we deserve. He’s going to give us what we many not want to see, is the biggest beat down of Cena – EVER! He then introduces wrestling extraordinaire and his legal counsel David Otunga. Otunga had barely finished posing on the stage when Big Show’s music hit. Big Show comes out looking very unhappy.
Big Show & Otunga & Laurinaitis vs Cena
Teddy Long to announce. Cole kisses up. Long removes his name tag and rips it up. Big Show says that it took six men to defeat him last night, one was Cena. Because of that so called loss, Laurinaitis was fired. He thanks Laurinaitis for his new iron clad contract and his big, fat bonus. He thanks Laurinaitis for letting Big Show be himself. He’s not beholden to anyone. Not even the fans. Not even Laurinaitis. He’s proven he can beat Cena on his own. He’s off to bigger and better things. He sees no reason to compete in this ring. Otunga, Johnny, you’re on your own. Big Show drops the mic and leaves the ring while Laurinaitis begs and yells at him. Big Show leaves beside the ramp and talks down to some little kids seated right on the corner there.
Otunga & Laurinaitis vs Cena
Cena out to the ring, gives something to a fan in the front row, then gets into the ring. Laurinaitis and Otunga leave so Cena cane pose and get ready. Cena is backed up so Otunga can get in the ring.
“Let’s go Cena!” and “Cena sucks!” chants. Otunga poses and Cena isn’t impressed. Otunga slammed to the mat, Cena drops an elbow. Otunga whipped, then to the opposite corner, and a bulldog. Laurinaitis backs off to avoid the tag. Suplex on Otunga, and Laurinaitis backs off again. A blow to Otunga’s back, then a side slam. Otunga whipped, but moves and Cena chest first into a corner and out. Otunga out and sends Cena into the stairs. Cena rolled back in, and Otunga on him with blows. Otunga uses the ropes to stand on Cena. Dueling chants for Cena. Huge shoulder block to Cena for two!
Another big shoulder block, this time to a sitting Cena for two. Otunga uses the ropes to drop his elbows on Cena. Laurinaitis now wants to tag in, so Otunga does. Laurinaitis in, throws the crutch, neck brace and sling off and stomps Cena. Laurinaitis yells about People Power, then pins Cena, but is easily thrown off. Laurinaitis looks shocked. Laurinaitis heads back overr to tag out, but Otunga drops from the apron, looks up at Laurinaitis, then turns and leaves.
Laurinaitis yells to Otunga, begs him, but Otunga keeps going. Suddenly it dons on Laurinaitis and he turns to find Cena standing at the ready, right in front of him. Cena on Laurinaitis with blows. Cena pulls up Laurinaitis’ jacket and slaps his back hard. Laurinaitis slammed to the mat, then the 5 knuckle shuffle! Laurinaitis up on Cena’s shoulders, Cena yells, “People Power!” then hits an AA on Laurinaitis. The fans and Long ask for one more time! Laurinaitis up, and another AA. Again, everyone wants one more time. Laurinaitis up and eats a third AA. Cena locks on the STF and Laurinaitis immediately taps out.
Winner – Cena (6:15)
Long is on his feet clapping as Laurinaitis is lolling on the floor, acting like he’s in terrible pain. Cena up on a corner and poses. He throws wrist bands to fans. Long is still all smiles. Cena leans out of the ring, looks down at Laurinaitis, then waves his hand in front of his face.
Biggest train wreck