Smackdown! or It Can’t Be That Bad…Right?

Opening Thoughts

I will make it through this. I will make it through this. I will make it through this. I will make it through this.

Setting Up For The Show

Okay, I can get behind Mick being Santa. Actually, Mick, in his previous life, has proven that he could be a very good Santa. Unfortunately, in this segment, as well as the one from a couple of weeks ago, the fire just seems to have gone out from Mick Foley’s eyes. I don’t know if Kendra sees it too, but Mick just doesn’t have the same animation he used to. Maybe it’s age, but with Mick, I have a feeling it’s something else. Anyways, we continue with a formal introduction of Michael Cole and Booker T, which I was just about ready to bash until Cody Rhodes came out. Had this segment just ended with Booker doing the Dredel-roonie, I would have died. Cody saved it, but not by much. I was pretty anxious actually about the Booker/Cody match, but we’ll see how that turns out later. Um, this segment went on entirely too long. I would have been happy with Cody just interrupting Mick early on in the segment and not introducing Michael or Booker. Ah well, what are you going to do? I guess just sit here and keep watching…

Segment Grade: C-

Mistletoe on a Pole Match

Vince Russo is back? Ugh. Thankfully, this match lasted less than 2 minutes, and equally as thankfully, if that makes sense, the winner did not get a Divas Championship match. I would have been upset if a Bella had gotten it. Also, to completely negate the notion that WWE is entering the “Realism Era,” Tony Chimel seemed to have no problem telling which Bella won the prize. It’s almost like…it was…scripted.

Match Grade: …this was a match?

Jinder Mahal vs. Justin Gabriel

Immediately I’m going to give Jinder Mahal an A+ for an outstanding promo. Actually, I’m going to downgrade it to an A-, but it’s not his fault. Whoever gave him this promo picked the absolute worst opponent for him to face after he cut it. You can’t cut an anti-American promo and go against someone NOT from America. I believe it was a Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna match where Bobby “The Brain” Heenan said, “This crowd is chanting USA, USA…one guy is from Canada, the other’s from Japan.” …luckily, nobody in Charlotte chanted USA, but that kind of took some of Mahal’s steam away. Luckily for him, the match lasted about 2 minutes before Ted DiBiase came out. Not that he did much, but it’s that just enough thing, I guess. Hopefully a program for Jinder and Ted can help both of their careers. I’m not seeing them get any PPV time, but I can see a good month or two long feud with them.

Match Grade: …this was a match?

Backstage Christmas Antics

I’m going to make this blanket statement for the whole of the backstage stuff – nobody got thrown into food. Don’t give me a holiday special without someone getting doused in punch, thrown through cake, or hit with a turkey leg. Anyways, this entire segment was painfully pointless until David Otunga came in. I can’t believe I just typed that. But we got our nostalgia fix in, and plus, Goldust got on camera. Good for him. I’m not sure why David Otunga is being thrown into a street fight with Orton, except for Orton just to get pops from beating up on someone that nobody cares about. I’ll admit, I popped on Raw when Punk said something about typing Otunga’s name in and coming up with nothing but Jennifer Hudson stuff.

Segment Grade: C

Kane Resurrected

As of late, I haven’t included video packages like this in my reviews because they’re so short that they usually don’t matter, but this one does. If they bring back masked Kane, I have a feeling I will enjoy his character immensely. The thing I hated about Kane’s latest face run was that he cared too much about Big Show. During the “Car crash” segment with del Rio, Kane was way too human. I don’t want Kane to be human. On that note, if they bring back Kane and he’s the sniveling “I love Tori and X-Pac” Kane, I’m going to hate him all the more. Give me demented and twisted Kane, and I’ll be behind the return.

Segment Grade: B

Booker’s a Sucka

Yikes. It’s been about fifteen minutes or so without a wrestling match…I feel like I’m watching Impact, and I don’t even watch Impact. Nonetheless, I always thought about how much I would hate being a wrestler if I had to get completely suited up and in gear, pads, wraps and all for about 20 seconds of airtime. That’s what happened to old Booker here, and truthfully, this segment got me wondering about the future of this Rhodes/Booker thing. I still maintain that Goldust returns to defend Booker, especially after the crippling that happened tonight.

Segment Grade: B

Kofi Kingston vs. Tyson Kidd

These are the kinds of matches where you understand why Gail Kim got the hell out of WWE. Okay, I wouldn’t leave after this match, but Tyson Kidd has to go home and ask Natalya why they’re still doing this. Monday night, Natalya came out, jogged around ringside, and left. Last night, Tyson Kidd was just a means to an end, which was the “Flying Reindeer” punchline. Yikes. I mean, the way that Kofi got the costume from Michael Cole didn’t even make sense. He stopped attacking Kidd to tell Michael Cole he looked ridiculous. Really? Really? This whole match was a joke and an effort to get a cheap pop, and sure, the kids loved it…me? I was hoping this Holiday Special was going to be special.

Match Grade: C

This Is Seriously Happening, Isn’t It?

It looks like Kaitlyn has cemented her heel turn…by telling Hornswoggle to wish to be taller. *sigh* And then the Aksana and the tonsil tickling…oy…why did I want to review this episode? I should have turned this over to Chris Jacks or someone like that.

Segment Grade: D

Miracle on 34th Street Fight: David Otunga vs. Randy Orton

I really can’t call this is a squash, which is highly unfortunate. Or heck, I don’t know, was it a squash? Was it just a 20 minute squash match? Until Wade Barrett got involved, yes. Side note: When you see Barrett’s tights, does anyone else read “JBL”? Anyways, I don’t know what kind of sense to make about this match, except that the feud between Barrett and Orton continued, although the interference didn’t really do anything. The best part about this match was when Orton threw the package at Otunga and it hit him square in the head. I think even Orton thought it was funny, judging by his facial expressions. Oh, that, and Orton’s face after eating the cookie.

Match Grade: C+

Mark “Bah Humbug” Henry

Ah, wordplays are fun. I felt a little better about Henry’s talking after this. I don’t know what writer forgot who he was writing for on Friday, but this one was a little better.

Segment Grade: B+

All I Want For Christmas Battle Royale

I would say that this really made a huge difference in who was getting pushed and who wasn’t, but the entire Battle Royale was a lead up to the punchline of having Hornswoggle talk. So why am I going to review it? It’s not like there was anything spectacular ring-work wise, and what are storylines in a match like this? Oh, Ezekiel Jackson returned. What a way to return. Instead, I’ll invite you guys to look up Four Horsemen and Ric Flair promos from NWA-WCW days.

Match Grade: F

Hornswoggle Talks!

Sure, they funniest thing about this was that Hornswoggle called Vickie “Grandma.” Anyone else remember when Hornswoggle could speak English when he was called “Little Bastard”? There was that match with “Little Boogey”…oh yeah…other forgettable Hornswoggle moments.

Segment Grade: D

ON THE LIPS?!?!?!?!

Okay, I could stomach the kiss on the cheek from Friday. But the lips? NO SIR. In all seriousness, this was a great promo by Daniel Bryan. He wasn’t trying to be someone he isn’t, this was pretty straight from the hip Bryan Danielson stuff. I like it. It was a lot better than him wondering and caring that Michael Cole didn’t respect him.

Segment Grade: C

Steel Cage Match: Mark Henry (C) vs. Daniel Bryan

Okay, wow, this was the gem of the night. As far as modern day steel cage matches go, and modern day means pinfalls and submissions included, this was a pretty decent cage match. Especially when you consider Mark Henry was one of the participants, this was really what I was expecting the whole night to be like. I was hoping for good matches, special once in a lifetime matchups, and this was the best part of the night. Daniel Bryan again made it look like he had legitimate chances at winning this match, even though you knew that there was no possible way he was walking out of a Smackdown taping as the World Heavyweight Championship. Now we have a third consecutive TLC match to look forward to between Big Show and Mark Henry. Um…yay.

Match Grade: B+

Recap

I’m not going through my usual In ring, out of ring stuff…because honestly, this show was a joke. I probably would give the show a C-, and that’s being pretty generous. Really, if you can tell me one other thing besides the main event that made this episode bearable, I’d love to hear it. Maybe this review will make some people upset because I didn’t “give it a chance” or something like that…but really, I was scared of this show from the moment it was announced. The good thing is, it didn’t disappoint. The only match worth talking about was the main event, and it proved that Daniel Bryan can hang with the main event boys if given a chance. I’d say I’ll see you on Friday…but I won’t. Instead, I’ll say that the next time I’ll see you, I’ll be one half of the MPX Tag Team Champions…because I am the Savior of the Modern Day Wrestling World, I am “The Choice” Matt Andrews.

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