You may need to refresh the page to get the latest updates to tonight's coverage.
All right! Is everyone ready for WWE Hell in a Cell tonight? Or, as we call it here in the Sullivan household around our 5 year old daughter, Heck in a Seck? Because I sure as herk is, believe you me!
For those of you in a hurry:
Randy Orton defeated Drew McIntyre for the WWE Championship
Bobby Lashley defeated SlapJack
Sasha Banks defeated Bayley for the SmackDown Women's Championship
The Miz defeated Otis for the Money In The Bank briefcase
Elias defeated Jeff Hardy by DQ
Roman Reigns defeated Jey Uso to retain the Universal Championship
So, if you're new to my LIVE show coverage here at WNW, well, so am I, so don't feel bad. Up until showtime, I'll be peppering this page with pellets of professional wrestling propaganda (tweets, articles, etc.) to provide the public with... OK, I'm out of 'P' words. I totally thought I could get 'perfunctory' in there, too. Rats.
If you're on Twitter - and unless you're Amish, a hipster, or my grandmother, you probably are - I encourage you to interact with us here via my own Twitter "handle" (which is how I've been informed the kids call it) at @HeyImKevinSully. I'll be tossing out poll questions and things of that nature, and post your answers here for everyone else to read - as long as they're insightful and/or funny and won't get me fired.
Anyway... I'm going to take a quick break and we'll kick things off with the pre-show in just a little over an hour!
Now... while we're waiting, if you'd like to get yourself a refresher on what's supposed to be going down in groovetown tonight, here's WNW's Hell In A Cell 2020 Preview.
Airing right now on WWE Network is WWE Chronicle: Bayley. We're about ten minutes out from the kickoff show. Not sure what any pre-show matches are, or if there even are any. Nobody tells me anything.
Tonight's kickoff show panel - hosted by Charley Caruso - is Jerry "The King" Lawler, Booker T, Jeff Jarrett, and Peter Rosenberg.
I feel like Paul Heyman is more effective when he's whispering intensely than when he's yelling. I also feel like I'm not the only one who has this opinion.
Could we see some RETRIBUTION action tonight?
The 24/7 Championship is on the line as R-Truth defends said belt against Drew Gulak.
R-Truth is warming up in the ring with his imaginary little buddy, Little Jimmy. Gulak - and, remember, this is an imaginary child - waves to Jimmy, has him come over, and gives him a series of high fives and hugs.
Then Gulak kicks Jimmy right out of the ring.
Truth goes nuts at this.
After nailing Gulak with some of the signature moves of his childhood hero, John Cena, Truth goes for his scissor kick, but misses.
Gulak finds himself in a fireman's carry, and tries to flip his way down and get Truth in a roll-up pin. Truth grabs Drew's legs and pulls them back to get the pin.
RESULT: R-Truth defeats Drew Gulak to retain the 24/7 Championship.
Once the bell has run and the match is declared over, 2/3 of Lucha House Party and Akira Tozawa race down to try to get the belt for themselves. Truth escapes.
Gulak grabs a mic and shouts "Truth! Your childhood hero, John Cena, SUCKS!"
RETRIBUTION is backstage, looking all angsty and angry and like they just left a goth nightclub in Indianapolis or something. Mustafa Ali challenges the Hurt Business to a match - one of theirs vs one of theirs - for tonight.
Roman Reigns vs Jey Uso - I Quit in the Cell - for the Universal Championship (and other stuff) will start off tonight's show.
Remember... if Jey loses, he's out of the family. Him, his brother, their wives, their kids, all of them. If Roman loses, then ha ha ha ha like that's going to happen.
The "Big Fight Feel" championship match introductions begin.
Reigns and Uso circle each other around the center of the ring, with Roman yelling stuff about doing all this heel stuff for the family and all that. Lock up and then Roman spends a good three to five minutes beating up his cousin.
Uso manages a knee strike on Reign and then begins to use the cage to attack the champion.
Jey shouts a bad word at Roman, and WWE has to mute it. Thank you, seven-second delay!
Roman nails Uso with a spear, and Jey is writhing on the mat in agony.
Jey fires himself up and attempts to make a comeback... only to get speared a second time. Roman begs his cousin to just quit.
Roman charges for a third spear, but Jey kicks him in the gut, then follows it with an Uso Splash. And then another one.
Jey grabs a leather strap and wails away at the champion. Reigns nails a third spear out of desperation. Now Roman's got the strap.
Roman has the leather strap - which really looks like an ACE bandage if we're being honest - attached to both his and Jey's wrists.
Reigns goes for a Superman Punch and misses! Uso has the strap wrapped around Roman's throat and starts to choke him out. It wasn't enough to get Roman to quit and the match continues.
Jey goes for a chairshot but Roman nails him with a Superman Punch. Then he slaps on the guillotine chokehold. The two crash to the mat, just Jey refuses to say "I quit."
Both the ref and Roman are begging Jey to say the words. Roman tells Jey that if he says "I quit", he "won't have to take this to the next level." Jey won't say it.
Roman nails Jey with a Drive By right onto the side of his head.
Now Roman's got the steel ring steps pressed against Jey's head. He's gonna nail him with another Drive-By.
The ref wants to call the match, but Roman tosses him out of the ring. Soon, the ring is full of officials trying to protect him. Reigns tosses the steps into the ring.
Reigns is about to crush Jey's head with the steps, but Jimmy slides in to protect him.
Jimmy screams at Roman "This is JOSH (Jey's real name) laying here!" Roman is on the met crying.
Oh, wait, Roman's got Jimmy in the guillotine hold and is choking him out! Jey shouts "I quit!" to save his brother.
RESULT: Roman Reigns defeats Jey Uso to retain the Universal Championship.
Man, I need a break after that one. That may have just been Match of the Year.
It's now time for Elias to entertain everyone in the ThunderDome with a song. Don't forget that his album, Universal Truth, drops tomorrow!
So... Elias - dressed in a flowery tank top for some reason - has pretty much controlled this match so far against Jeff Hardy - who is dressed like a mime for some reason.
Hardy attempts a Twist of Fate, but Elias pushes him away and nails him with a powerbomb. Only gets a 2 count, though.
Hardy manages to sneak away and hit the Whisper In The Wind, then successfully hits the Twist. He's about to dive onto Elias on the ring apron, but Elias rolls out of the way.
Crawling on the floor, Elias pulls out his guitar and Hardy kicks him. He grabs the guitar and blasts Elias across the back with it and gets DQ'd.
RESULT: Elias defeats Jeff Hardy by DQ
Otis (with new theme music) vs The Miz for the Money In The Bank briefcase is on.
Mr. MITB started the match his some high impact power moves, but a distraction by Morrison helps Miz get the advantage, including a pretty effective sleeper hold.
The ref's back is turned and Morrison attempts to nail Otis with the briefcase. The ref turns around and catches him right before he can strike. Morrison is sent to the back.
TUCKER JUST TURNED ON OTIS!
Tucker just nailed Otis in the head with the briefcase! Miz goes for the pin and gets the briefcase!
RESULT: The Miz defeats Otis to win the MITB briefcase.
Tucker explains his actions and it's the usual "I did it because I wasn't appreciated blah blah blah" tag team breakup. Otis bursts backstage and attacks Miz, Morrison, and Tucker. Tucky Ducky Quack Quack hightails it out of there.
Bayley vs Banks is next.
Banks comes to the ring in all white ring gear, followed shortly by Bayley who is in... all black ring gear. Well. That's a little on the nose. Bayley also has her chair with her. However, as the cage is lowered, Shasha knocks the chair away from the ring.
Banks is driving Bayley into the cage wall with a table, then runs across said table and nails her with a Meteora. Toss back into the ring, another Meteora off the top rope, and a pin, but Bayley kicks out.
Banks props some kendo sticks between the ring and the cage, above the ring steps. She charges at Bayley, but the champion hits a drop toehold and causes her to crash into the weapons.
NOBODY PUTS BAYLEY IN A CORNER!
Sasha has Bayley sprawled on a folding chair, using it to choke her - much like she did to get Bayley to sign the contract for this match, Bayley attacks Sasha's hurt knee and gets free.
Bayley with a series of really big moves, including a top rope elbow and a toss into a propped up chair, but can't get a pin.
Banks with a Backstabber and then slaps the Banks Statement on her. Bayley slides out of the ring, and manages to tie Sasha up under the ring skirt.
Banks pulls out a fire extinguisher and blasts Bayley right in the mush.
Somehow, Bayley gets her special chair back inside the cage, but Banks gets it away from her. I feel like it might still play a part in this, though. Like Gollum or Oliver North.
Yep! Banks delivers a frog splash, but Bayley pulls that chair on top of herself, causing Banks to crash into it.
And now Bayley has a ladder.
A flurry of near-falls, including Banks hitting Bayley with her own finisher onto the ladder, but the two are still going at it.
Sasha gets a chair around Bayley's head and slaps on the Banks Statement! Bayley taps!!!
RESULT: Sasha Banks defeats Bayley for the SmackDown Women's Championship.
The Hurt Business vs RETRIBUTION match just got more interesting. It's going to be Bobby Lashley vs SlapJack and it's for Lashley's United States Championship. Eeek.
Despite some brief moments of dominance by SlapyJacky, Bobby Lashley has pretty much controlled this whole match. In fact, Lashley slaps on the Hurt Lock and gets the win.
RESULT: Bobby Lashley defeats SlapJack*pfffffffthahahahaslapjack*
RETRIBUTION swarm the ring and attack Lashley. Mustafa Ali calls for T-Bar and.... I dunno, one of those other dorks... to "lights out!" but Lashley does some punching and gets free and then Hurt Business storm the ring and RETRIBUTION run away and what is even the point of them, anyway?
WWE Champion Drew McIntyre is the first to make his entrance, which means that Orton is probably going to sneak up behind him and atta.... yep, that's exactly what happened.
Both men brawl outside of the cage for a good five minutes before they finally get inside it and the bell rings.
Drew nearly murders Orton by throwing the steel steps at him as he leans against the cage wall. The two are back in the ring and Drew is setting up for the Claymore.... but Orton blasts him with a chair.
Orton hasn't let up the offense since he gained it, though Drew has been fighting back valiantly.
It's been a good thing for WWE that this has been a pretty damn good PPV so far or else dorks like me on the Internet would be calling it Hell in a Smell.
Who am I kidding, I'm still going to call it that.
Orton gets tossed through a table that he set up himself. Drew starts to drag Orton back into the ring, growling and swearing at him. Orton kicks him in the junk. Goes for a pin.... 1 count.
Orton lays out McIntyre, then grabs some bolt cutters. He's cut his way out of the cage.
And, apparently, Orton wanted out of the cage so he could climb onto the TOP of the cage.
Now Orton is trying to get down from the Cell?
I mean, this is exciting and all but it doesn't exactly make a lot of what one might call "sense".
McIntyre falls from the side of the cage and through the announce table. Mick Foley is watching at home going "pffffffft please"
Drew is trying to get to his feet and not succeeding, while Orton is trying to stalk him like a creepy person and succeeding admirably.
Orton does the Pound On The Mat thing and tries to hit an RKO. Drew spins him around and goes for a backslide pin but Randy kicks out. Orton charges, Drew ducks and nails Orton with a Claymore.
Drew charges for the Claymore... but Orton ducks! RKO! Randy wins!
RESULT: Randy Orton defeats Drew McIntyre for the WWE Championship.
And that looks to be our show. Two major title changes - three if you count Money In The Bank - and some absolute bangers of matches tonight. All in all, a really great PPV.
I'll be back tomorrow for Raw, so I hope to see you all there!
Until then... I'm outta here.