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Happy Groundhog Day Eve, everyone! Also, happy early birthday to my wife, Anna, who turns *muffled voice* on Wednesday!
Last night's WWE Royal Rumble was something else - and I mean that in a positive way. It was a LOT of fun. We might now all agree on whether or not those who won deserved to win and all of that rigamarole, but I hope we can agree that it was an entertaining, what, four hours?
The Royal Rumble, if you were unaware, is one of WWE's "Big Four", right up there with SummerSlam, Survivor Series and, of course, WrestleMania. You knew that, what am I talking about? Anyway, as has been the norm for the last, I dunno, five years or so, the Raw (and SmackDown) after one of these events has been an event in of itself. So, anything can happen during the show tonight.
If you want to get caught up before the show tonight, here's my brother from another mother and also not technically my brother that's just a thing people say Ja' Von York with his always reliable and kick-ass Raw preview. Click the link here.
As for Raw tonight, I'll be covering the events tonight - hopefully with Juice on backup in case my daughter decides to light the house on fire or a zombie apocalypse happens but just in my town, which would be weird but hey, who knows?
If you want to get involved with tonight's coverage, well, it's as easy as being on the Internet. You can reach out to me via Twitter at @HeyImKevinSully OR you can just drop your thoughts in the comments section below. Anyway, I'm gonna make some popcorn and open a beer and get ready to rock. I hope you'll all join me.
Also, Jake Atlas has a really dang good point....
Also, RIP Dustin Diamond.
It's time for Raw!
Drew McIntyre is coming out to start the show. He shoves his fancy pants sword into the stage, which makes things catch on fire because that's how swords work.
Drew goes over the results of last night's Royal Rumble... and then he gets to the Men's Rumble match... and that's when Metallingus hits.
Before Edge can say anything, Drew compliments him and then Edge asks Drew "what the hell is wrong with [him]?"
Edge expected Drew to kick his head off, instead of taking the high road (and he'll get to Scotland before him). Sheamus comes out to back up his best friend. Edge tells Drew that whoever he chooses to fight at WrestleMania, he's going to walk out of the show champion.
Edge leaves the ring, Drew raises his belt.... and Sheamus Brough kicks Drew right in the face. DAMN.
Sheamus is no longer Drew's friend and he wants that WWE Championship.
Riddle is taking on Lashley for the United States Championship... which we all thought was going to happen last night.
Bell rings and Riddle goes right after Lashley. Bobby fights him off and even hits a standing suplex. Riddle hurricanranas Lashley out of the ring.
Riddle is tangled up in the ropes, and Lashley slaps the Hurt Lock on him. He doesn't break the hold within the 5 count and gets DQ'd.
RESULT: Riddle defeats Bobby Lashley via DQ
Lashley just keeps beating up Riddle anyway.
Say! A fancy-pants Bugati pulls up into the ThunderDome garage! Who do you think this is going to...
Oh.... it's Bad Bunny.
We're back from the ads and officials are on the arena floor, checking on Riddle's well-being.
Meanwhile, Randy Orton is backstage, and he's very, very angry at Edge.
Edge and Orton are going at it later tonight. Boo yah.
Xavier Woods and Kofi Kingston are backstage, and Kofi has his back for this match against Mustafa Ali.
Ali's not alone, either, as he has T-BARR and SlapJack (I think) at ringside with him. Ali spends as much time yelling at Kofi - "You took everything from me!" - as he does fighting Woods.
T-BARR breaks up a pin attempt by Woods, and Kofi runs over to stop the shenanigans. Ali rolls up a distracted Woods, but Woods reverses it and gets the pin.
RESULT: Xavier Woods defeats Mustafa Ali
Meanwhile, Bad Bunny is still here and he's backstage talking with Damien Priest, who I am happy to see.
Oh hey, it's Miz TV.
Oh hey, it's Bad Bunny on MIZ TV.
I have nothing against Mr. Bunny - that "Booker T" song is kind of cool - I just don't care.
Miz and Morrison offer to help Bunny become a WWE Superstar - in return for helping them record a record.
I think that's a reasonable offer, frankly.
And here comes Damian Priest.
I seriously love this guy.
Priest is in the ring for five seconds and immediately clocks Miz in the face.
Back from break and Damian Priest makes his Raw in-ring debut against The Miz.
Morrison jumps on the apron to distract Priest. Meanwhile, Miz tries to grab his MITB briefcase. But Bad Bunny isn't having that and snatches it away.
It's enough to distract Miz long enough for Priest to hit The Reckoning (not to be confused with Mia Yim) and get the pin.
RESULT Damian Priest defeats The Miz
Right now it's time for Raw Tag Team Champions The Hurt Business against Lucha House Party.
Shelton Benjamin with an inverted Flatliner and the Hurt Business get the win.
RESULT: The Hurt Business defeat Lucha House Party
Charlotte and Asuka are in a Triple Threat tag team match to determine the #1 contenders for the WWE Women's Tag Team Championship. Asuka isn't happy... think she's gonna turn on Charlotte? I mean, this IS wrestling...
I don't know what the situation is with Lana and WWE, but Lana really looks like she's having a lot of fun these past couple of days.
Mandy Rose goes for a pin on Lana, but Asuka isn't having it and breaks up the pin.
No joke... this is a really good match, storytelling-wise. Each team has reasons to be frustrated with their current position in the women's tag scene and all of them are playing their parts brilliantly. If I haven't updated much during this match, it's because I'm genuinely invested in it.
Aw crap, here come Ric Flair and Lacey Evans. Charlotte tags into Asuka and heads to the back to face her dad and his new lady. Meanwhile, Naomi gets the pin on Asuka...
RESULT: Naomi and Lana win the match
Drew tells Charley that facing Edge at WrestleMania would be an honor. But, then he begins to choke up talking about Sheamus. He then tells the Celtic Warrior that he has the match he wants.
Carlito is back!
Carlito starts out this tag match, teaming with Jeff Hardy against Elias and Ryker and Carlito looks like friggin' Lex Luger.
Hardy and Carlito get the upper hand on Elias and Ryker - Hardy with a Swanton Bomb on Elias and that's the win!
RESULT: Jeff Hardy and Carlito defeat Elias and Jaxson Ryker
WWE is calling this match between Edge and Orton as "one last time"
Edge needs to get Randy in the "rear view" (metaphorically, not the Naomi move) and move on to WrestleMania. And... HOLY SHIT WHAT A GREAT PROMO
It's Nikki Cross against Alexa Bliss and Nikki is confused as to what's happened to her.
This is GREAT storytelling.
It looks like we've gotten the end of Alexa and Nikki's conflict. She gets her own version of Sister Abigail on Nikki and gets the win.
RESULT Alexa Bliss defeats Nikki Cross
Edge and Randy Orton kicks off NOW. Let's do this.
Edge goes for the Spear but Orton catches him in a powerslam. GORGEOUS
Anyway.... commercial time...
"I tried a NEW laxative... that's both gentle AND fast...."
AHHHHHHHH! Help me.
Randy is being very very very mean to Edge right now.
Randy is about to put the finishing touch on Edge when the lights go out.... and here is Alexa Bliss, foaming at the mouth like Papa Shango is possessing her.... and EDGE HITS THE SPEAR!
RESULT: Edge defeats Randy Orton
That's Raw! That's... well.. that a really cool f***ing way to end the show. I can't wait to see next week, which is how you want to end a show.
I may be out on Friday as my wife's birthday is this week, but I will see you all again soon and I hope you all have a great night and a great week. Lots of love to all of you and, until then.... I'm outta here.