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Hello and greetings from snowy Austin, TX! I know, it's really weird. You know what else is weird? Pro wrestling. Let's watch some!
I'm Kevin Christopher Sullivan and I'll be your text-and-social-media-embeds-based commentator for the February 15, 2021 edition of Monday Night Raw.
First off, please bear with me tonight. The deluge of snow and ice we've received here in the Lone Star State has caused rolling blackouts to be necessary in the Austin area. Which means that I am in nearby Georgetown - at my mother-in-law's house. Nothing against her, she's a perfectly lovely woman. But, I'm typing with an unfamiliar, much smaller keyboard. So I'll probably make some typod herew and therdgwgwfr.
TONIGHT on RAW! Bear witness to one of the most, if not the most, unfair matches in WWE history: the gauntlet match. Two men enter, one man leaves - and another guy enters, and so on and so forth. So, if you're one of those first two guys, well... good luck! I guess, anyway.
Anyway, there's plenty more happening tonight - the show is three friggin' hours long, for Pete's sake. Don't make me do this alone - drop your comments in the, you know, comments section below. Or via Twitter, by shooting a line to my account at @HeyImKevinSully and/or using the tag of hash #WNWRaw.
Well... see you all on the other side!
Let's do this.
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That's our show, you fine folks! I hope you enjoyed it. I'll see you all Friday for SmackDown and Sunday for Elimination Chamber. Until then... I'm outta here.
RESULT: Sheamus wins the gauntlet match.
(9:59pm) Drew goes for the Claymore but misses. Brough Kick by Sheamus. Sheamus eliminates Drew McIntyre.
(9:58pm) Sheamus gets knocked out of the ring, Drew beats him up, Sheamus kicks him as he gets back in, Drew with a suplex, that old chestnut.
(9:57pm) Drew starts to fight his way to his feet, knocking Sheamus stunned with a headbutt and then a Future Shock DDT.
(9:55pm) The ref asks Drew if he can continue. Drew says yes. Sheamus starts off the match by being mean and attacking Drew right away, the meanie.
(9:53pm) Apparently, Alexa Bliss did something to Randy Orton, letting Drew get the win. Drew McIntyre eliminates Randy Orton.
(9:49pm) I'm looking forward to the end of this episode. I mean, it's not bad, I'm just exhausted.
(9:46pm) Hardy dodges a Claymore and hits the Twist of Fate. Swanton Bomb... NO, Drew with his knees up. Claymore and a pin! Drew McIntyre eliminates Jeff Hardy.
(9:45pm) McIntyre nails Jeff with a Superplex (it's a regular plex, but SUPER), and gets a 2-count.
(9:44pm) I love this story of Drew McIntyre feeling like he has to prove himself to critics that don't actually exist.
(9:43pm) Jeff rolls out of the ring and Drew follows him. Suplex on the floor, but it also hurts his own ribs as well.
(9:42pm) Oh... now he gets it. Jeff kicks out at 2.
(9:42pm) Drew is attempting the Future Shock DDT but Jeff gets away and knocks Drew to the matt.
(9:40pm) Jeff is still trying to do that. Drew finally gets sick of it, I guess, and tosses him across the ring.
(9:36pm) Jeff Hardy is trying to get the crowd that's not really there to chant his name.
(9:34pm) Jeff Hardy is next. Hardy comes out slowly, looking respectful, but immediately charges at McIntyre as soon as he hits the ring.
(9:33pm) Drew grabs AJ tosses him right into the second rope, followed by a Claymore and a pin. Drew McIntyre eliminates AJ Styles.
(9:31pm) AJ setting up Drew for Styles Clash but, no, backdrop. Still, AJ gets back up and manages to get the Calf Crusher on him! He holds on for a good ten seconds before Drew breaks it up with a headbutt.
(9:30pm) Both men are on the mat and Drew does the kip up and I always feel like whenever someone does that, they're silently mocking me because I can't do that. Also, Drew leaped off the top rope and AJ kicked him.
(9:25pm) Hey, remember when Terry Taylor used to call his forearm finisher the Fivearm? Just me. OK, never mind.
(9:24pm) Drew charges in for a Claymore, but AJ sees it and nails him with a dropkick. McIntyre hits the floor and AJ leaps over the ropes to nail him with a forearm.
(9:23pm) Wait, come back! AJ just took control and... never mind, Drew got it back.
(9:22pm) Anyway, Drew is still beating up AJ. Go get yourself a beer.
(9:21pm) Raw is back and McIntrye is destroying AJ, so here's a little something I want to bring up about the NXT ad they showed right before that.
(9:15pm) Drew McIntyre is next and he is in no mood to mess around.
(9:14pm) Styles with a Phenomenal Forearm and eliminates Kofi Kingston.
(9:12pm) Kofi catches a clothesline and turns it into an SOS.
(9:11pm) Back from break and, as expected, AJ is working over Kofi's knee.
(9:08pm) Wait... why did he have to do that when the ref wasn't looking? That move isn't against the rules. I think.
(9:06pm) Xavier Woods is playing his trumpet along with Kofi's offense, and Olmos has had enough. Big chokeslam on Woods behind the security wall. Kofi confronts the big man and the referee sends Olmos to the back. AJ uses the opportunity to chop Kofi in the knee.
(9:03pm) And Kofi starts the match with AJ because of course he is.
(9:02pm) Josesph A. Parks shout-out from AJ and Olmos. I was worried we were going to get another Abyss-mal pun.
(9:00pm) AJ animatedly talking to Olmos and I was pretending he was going "no, seriously, you put that in the soup and it's gonna taste great, I swear!" But, instead, he's talking about Kofi.
(8:55pm) AJ Styles will be starting out this gauntlet match. But with who? Find out after these twelve Grubhub ads.
(8:54pm) Braun Strowman confronts Adam Pearce about why he's not in the Elimination Chamber match. He then tells Pearce to tell Shane McMahon to tell.. no, that's the end of the chain... to tell Shane he needs to "make this right" or he'll, I dunno, punch some dudes.
RESULT: Shayna Baszler defeats Lana
(8:53pm) Shayna nearly gets rolled up by Lana, but she slaps the Caraquin--- her submission move and gets the win.
(8:52pm) Lana with a flying cross bodyblock and a failed pin attempt. Nia attacks Naomi at ringside, but ends up getting thrown into the ringpost.
(8:51pm) I've got to admit, Lana's "oh no, I just f***** up, didn't I?" looks of terror are amazing.
(8:50pm) Baszler is going to lose in some really stupid way, isn't she?
(8:49pm) Bayna Shaszler comes to the ring for her match with Lana, along with Jia Nax and what's the over/under on there being another "hole" reference or callback or whatever?
(8:42pm) Lana comes out to the ring and I've never figured out how they got that duck to quack like that for her theme music.
(8:41pm) Randy Orton is saying Randy Orton things and before he can finish reminding us what the three most deadliest letters in Sports Entertainment are, Alex Bliss breaks into the broadcast, sitting in a pentagram and being spooky.
(8:34pm) Could we see Edge vs Kofi at WrestleMania?! Because that would be... kinda weird, actually.
(8:32pm) Naomi: "Nia deserved to go through that table... and a WHOLE lot more!" ha ha ha ha ha stop it.
(8:31pm) Don't forget, Kofi still has that gauntlet match later. Anyway, here's another look at Nia screaming "my hole!"
RESULT: Kofi Kingston defeats The Miz
(8:29pm) Miz with a Figure Four, but Kofi grabs the rope for the break. Kofi walks it off and hits Miz with TIP and gets the pin.
(8:28pm) Kofi misses a Trouble In Paradise and Miz nearly hits his Skull Crushing Finale - Kofi turns it into an SOS. Kick out and Miz then charges at Kofi into the corner. Kofi slips through the ropes for a kick, but Miz grabs the leg and starts to wrench it on the ropes,
(8:26pm) Kofi leaps at Miz into the turnbuckles, Miz moves, and Kofi cracks his head on the ring post and now he has a headache.
(8:24pm) Miz with a DDT on Kofi and goes for a pin and Kofi kicks out because when has Miz ever won a match with a DDT?
(8:20pm) Miz with a couple of neckbreakers, including one out of the ring, as we head to a break.
Also, it was confirmed that if Miz wins, he'll participate in the gauntlet match in an attempt to get Morrison the last spot in the Chamber match.
(8:18pm) Kofi with a flying axehandle off the top turnbuckle onto Miz and I wish I could give this actually so-far-very-good match more attention but my soul is still dead from the previous segment.
(8:16pm) The more I hear the words "rekindle Kofimania" on this show, the more I'm convinced it's not going to happen.
(8:14pm) Miz came to play again, you guys.
(8:09pm) Miz vs Kofi is next. You... probably guessed that from the Tweet below.
(8:07pm) Backstage, Sheamus is bemoaning that he has to be in the Chamber match, since Drew agreed to give him a title match. So, he's going to win this gauntlet match and then it won't matter. He is also wearing a hat.
(8:05pm) Royce finally makes a tag, but Lacey leaps off the apron and makes an announcement: she's pregnant. Ric is very excited. I am not.
(8:03pm) Asuka fights back and the two nail each other with clotheslines. Someone is about to make a hot tag... and it's Asuka. Man, there's a number of unintended double entendres in that.
(8:02pm) Peyton sneaks a kick on Asuka and manages to take control of this match.
(7:59pm) Asuka and Peyton are starting this match. Asuka tags in Charlotte, who immediately tosses Peyton into her own corner and insists she tag in Evans. Peyton is all, like, "too bad" so Charlotte just starts to kick her ass - then shouts that that is exactly what she's going to do to Lacey.
(7:54pm) Lacey and Peyton come on out, along with Ric Flair, and Lacey has a mic and is talking smack and Peyton is just standing around and not doing anything even though she's awesome and deserves better and there is no God.
(7:52pm) Asuka makes her entrance and for a second, I was like "Holy s****, what happened to her face?!" and then I remembered it's a mask and that I am a dumb dummy.
(7:50 pm) Oh man, Elimination Chamber is this Sunday and I haven't gotten any of my shopping done. Anyway, enough of that stupid joke, here's Charlotte for her tag match with Asuka against Lacey Evans and Peyton Royce, who is in another tag team for some weird reason.
(7:48pm) WWE has 10,000,000 followers on Tik Tok, whatever that is (I'm old)
Side note: USA Network has shown this Grubhub commercial, like, six times.
That didn't take long.
(7:44pm) Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods approach Adam Pearce and insist that Kofi takes the open spot in the Chamber match. Miz doesn't like that. Hilarity (not sarcastic, it's really funny) ensues. Pearce makes a match: Kofi vs Miz - winner decides who gets the spot.
(7:41pm) Bad Bunny is backstage talking to Mandy Rose (I almost typed Mandy Moore for some reason), then to Damien Priest, who is going on about Bunny being on SNL this week. In the background, Akira Tozawa has just pinned R-Truth for the 24/7 title.
Priest then knocks Tozawa out and lets Bad Bunny pin him. New 24/7 Champion.
(7:39pm) Speaking of Miz and Morrison, we get a look at how they got involved with the Damien Priest (w/ Bad Bunny) vs Angel Garza match last week.
How has Jake From State Farm not guest hosted Raw?
(7:34pm) Miz is backstage talking to Adam Pearce. He finally retrieved his MITB briefcase, and is now suggesting who should take his place in the Chamber match. He suggests a young, hungry up-and-comer... like John Morrison. Pearce will take it under consideration.
(7:32pm) While the winners celebrate, Bobby Lashley charges down the aisle and takes everyone out. He finishes up with yet another Hurt Locker on Riddle.
RESULT: Riddle and Lucha House Party defeat The Hurt Business
(7:31pm) Chaos reigns as everyone hits their finishers and ends outside of the ring... except Riddle and MVP. Floating Bro on MVP and gets the win!
(7:30pm) Metalik with a tornado DDT, and gets the hot tag to Riddle. He clears out Alexander and Benjamin, but MVP nails him down.
(7:27pm) Gran Metalik is not faring very well against The Hurt Business.
(7:23pm) Shelton grabs Riddle's leg and slams him down onto the apron. They knock down LHP just as easily. Luckily for them, it's commercial time.
(7:22pm) Gran Metalik tags in and leaps on top on Lince's shoulders and launches himself onto Shelton.
(7:21PM) Shelton and Lince start the match out and they immediately start the hurt on Durado.
(7:19pm) Riddle loves him some Presidents.
(7:17pm) After a look at The Hurt Business beating up Riddle and Keith Lee last week, MVP and Cedric & Shelton are taking on Riddle and Lucha House Party in a six-man tag. They come out first.
What's your take on Miz's announcement? Let us know in the comments or via Twitter: message me at @HeyImKevinSully and/or use the hashtag #WNWRaw.
(7:12pm) Miz just pulled himself out of the Elimination Chamber match. He doesn't need it. He's got the briefcase.
(7:10pm) Miz is a master strategist, you guys.
(7:08pm) Drew finally tells Miz to shaddap and not to interrupt him. Miz Interrupts him. Drew nails him with a Glasgow Kiss headbutt, then tosses the Money In The Bank briefcase out of the ring.
(7:06pm) Miz asks Drew if he considered that his Road to WrestleMania could end at Elimination Chamber - then keeps talking.
(7:05pm) "Welcome to the show. Can I call you Andy?" - Miz
(7:04pm) The Scottish Psychopa... er... Warrior, comes to the stage, makes a funny face, stabs said stage and marches to the ring - completely oblivious that he left his shirt backstage.
(7:02pm) The Miz came to play, you guys. Looks like it's Miz TV time.
(7:01pm) What awards exactly has the "award-winning, critically acclaimed" WWE ThunderDome won?
(7:00pm) THEN. NOW. THREE HOURS FROM NOW.