(As usual, you may need to refresh your page a couple of times to get the latest updates.)
Hello and welcome to the best darn text-based live coverage of WWE Monday Night Raw on the Internet - this thing you're reading right now! I don't really have a name for it. Maybe you guys can help me think of one? More on that in a bit.
I'm Kevin Christopher Sullivan - that's mah name don't wear it our or I'll make you buy me a new one, Maximillian - and I will be here for all three hours of Raw, covering the events and commenting on said events and probably saying something stupid about said events and I wonder how many times I can use "said events" in a sentence. Looks like that many times.
TONIGHT we have, well, a lot of stuff going on, actually. Let's get to the meat of it, though. At some point, unless WWE pulls some shenanigans (and when have they ever done that?), we are going to get the WWE Champion The Miz defending his title against Bobby Lashley, who looks like he could literally eat Miz - which would be gross, so I hope that doesn't happen. Along those lines - the title match, not Miz getting eaten - the man Miz cashed in his Money In The Bank contract on to win his championship, Drew McIntyre, also makes his return to the show since losing the belt.
This would be a good time to mention that later this week during my SmackDown coverage, myself and the fine folks here at Wrestling News World will be holding a little contest, with the winner getting a $50 gift card to ProWrestlingTees.com! (Full disclosure, I bought the gift card myself - PWT isn't actually sponsoring this) The contest involves you sending me tweets during the show, so now's a perfect time to get into practice.
You can reach me at @HeyImKevinSully and/or using the hashtag #WNWRawWWE and send me your thoughts and comments during the show and about said show (there it is again). I'll share my favorites right here on the page (and RT them as well), so send them my way. Anyone who tweets at me during the show tonight gets added to my Show List (the Twitter accounts I scan as I cover these shows) and it can't hurt your chances on Friday if that happens.
Anyway, we're getting started in 30 minutes, so let's sit back and relax unless you like to stand in which case that's cool, too, and watch some gatdang Monday Night Raw!
(Another reminder that you may need to refresh this page a couple of times to get the latest updates. OK, I'll stop bugging you about it now.)
WWE. THEN. NOW. EXECUTIVE PRODUCER DICK WQLF.
What a show! That was fantastic and from the sound of it on Twitter, you guys are pretty happy with it, too. Anyway, I'll see you all on Friday for SmackDown and, remember, I've got a $50 gift card to ProWrestlingTees for those of you who actually want to get on Twitter for once. Until then... I'm outta here.
(10:00pm) Lashley isn't done with Miz and slaps the Hurt Lock on him one more time. SHOW'S OVAH!
RESULT: Bobby Lashley defeats The Miz to win the WWE Championship
(9:58pm) I was wrong! Lashley slaps the Hurt Lock on Miz and he taps out! Lashley wins!
(9:57pm) Lashley intends to punish The Miz rather than try and win the match and that could come back to bite him in the butt.
(9:56pm) Shane has made this a Lumberjack Match.
(9:52pm) OK, let's try this ONE MORE TIME.
I forgot to go back to Live when I rewinded the show to hear something I missed so I'm a couple of minutes behind. The Miz is yelling at Shane McMahon, that he needs him as WWE Champion and whatnot. OK, I'm caught up now.
RESULT: Ali defeats Riddle
(9:45pm) Ali manages to squeak out a win!
(9:44pm) Ali goes for a neckbreaker out of the corner, but Riddle nearly reverses it into a Rear Naked Choke.
(9:39pm) Ali is mad and he wants a match with Riddle.
RESULT: Lucha House Party and Riddle defeat RETRIBUTION
(9:38pm) Oh look at that, I was right.
(9:36pm) Let me guess... RETRIBUTION loses and Ali yells at them again? Just spitballing here.
(9:35pm) US Champion Riddle teams with the Lucha House Pahtay against RETRIBUTION. T-Barr starts the match by nailed Riddle with a chokeslam backbreaker and nearly gets a 3 count. Nearly.
(9:30) Shane McMahon instructs Adam Pearce to inform MVP that if Miz doesn't show up to a match with Lashley in... looks like 15 minutes... he'll be stripped of the title and it will be awarded to Lashley.
RESULT: Charlotte defeats Shayna Baszler
(9:29pm) Natural Selection! Charlotte wins!
(9:26pm) Despite the early advantage, Charlotte still manages to mount a comeback.
QUICK WNW SHAMELESS PLUG COMING IN 3... 2... 1...
(9:30pm) Jia Nax and Bayna Shazler come to the ring and trash talk Charlotte. Flair gets the first shot in and punches Shayna right in the face. Since the bell hasn't rung, the two of them beat Charlotte up as we head into commercial.
(9:18pm) We get a look at how Asuka was injured and it was even grosser than Randy Orton puking up Papa Shango goop.
(9:16pm) Charlotte is here. She tells us that when she came back from injury, she didn't have designs on the Raw title, but after everything that's happened since, she wants to face Asuka at WrestleMania. However, Asuka is at home... injured.
(9:14pm) MVP and Lashley are furious and talking to Shane McMahon. Shane tells the two of them that he's going to consider stripping Miz of his title and giving it to Lashley. Lashley wants to fight him instead.
Sorry... a.) did you really think a cowardly heel like The Miz was really going to go through with a match with Lashley and b.) show ain't ovah yet.
RESULT: Bobby Lashley defeats The Miz (by countout)
(9:08pm) The bell rings and Miz immediately runs out of the ring, grabs his belt, and hightails it to the back. Miz gets counted out.
(9:06pm) Miz is trying to convince Lashley to wait and have their match at WrestleMania instead of now. Lashley isn't biting.
(9:04pm) And here comes the CEO of the Hurt Business, Bobby Lashley.
(9:02pm) The Miz is actually coming to the ring for his championship match!
(9:00pm) Alexa Bliss appears on the TV screen behind Orton, playing with a Jack In The Box, saying "bring him back." Suddenly, Orton is on the same screen "this isn't going to end well for you." The "real" Orton starts coughing and passes out.
(8:59pm) Oh, goodie, we get to see Orton throw up the black goo from Bowser's Fury again.
(8:58pm) We start this last hour with an interview with Randy Orton.
(8:51pm) Miz vs Lashley is supposed to be next. How do you think Miz is going to worm his way out of it this time? Tweet me, I guess. @HeyImKevinSully.
(8:50pm) The announcers bring up that Priest is undefeated on Raw, which is never a good sign.
RESULT: Damian Priest defeats Elias
(8:49pm) Priest hits, er, Hit The Lights and wins this pro wrestling bout against Elias.
(8:47pm) Damian hits Elias with a Falcoln Arr... sorry, "Broken" Arrow. But only gets a 2 count. Jaxson Ryker tries to distract the ref but Elias isn't able to use it to get a win.
(8:42pm) Nothing of significance has happened in this match so far in case you were worried you were missing something.
(8:33pm) Bad Bunny comes out and then so does Damian Priest and now Elias and Damian Priest are having a professional wrestling match.
(8:30pm) Thirty minutes to our WWE Championship match (maybe?). Meanwhile, Elias and Ryker are in the ring, doing their schtick.
I was gonna ask you guys to tweet me your thoughts of that last tag team segment, but you're not going to so why bother?
(8:25pm) Bad Bunny says "no".
(8:24pm) Meanwhile, Damian Priest and 24/7 Champion Bad Bunny are chit-chatting backstage, when Elias and Jaxson Ryker approach them with a business proposition for a musical team-up.
RESULT: The Hurt Business defeat Braun Strowman and Adam Pearce
(8:21pm) Braun charges at Cedric into the corner, but Cedric moves. However, Braun still fights back and powerslams Benjamin near his own corner. Shane leaps to the apron and insists that Braun tag in Adam Pearce. He reluctantly does, and Benjamin rolls him up for the 3-count.
(8:18pm) The bell rings and Bruan charges right into the champions - followed by tossing them both out of the ring. Cedric is now alone in the ring with the Monster.
(8:17pm) An angry Braun Strowman and a visibly confused Adam Pearce are in the ring, sort of ready? to take on Shelton Benjamin and Cedric Alexander - who just came to the ring.
(8:12pm) Shane tells Braun that he needs to resolve his issues with WWE management by teaming with WWE Management - specifically Adam Pearce. In fact, it's a match for the Raw Tag Team Championships.
(8:09pm) Braun is out in the ring, furious about everything that's happened to him over the last couple of weeks and now he's got a tag match with a mystery partner. Cue Shane McMahon's music.
How do you think this Miz/Lashley angle is going to play out? Tweet your thoughts to me at @HeyImKevinSully and/or use the hashtag #WNWRawWWE.
(8:03pm) Miz has one more hour to get better and get in the ring to defend his title, even if he has to carry him out to the ring. Meanwhile, Braun Strowman is coming to the ring for a, I dunno, a match or something.
(8:01pm) Bobby Lashley is now in the ring, ready to turn the Miz into lunch meat. The Miz is backstage, insisting he's sick. Adam Pearce insists that Miz has to go out there anyway. Lashley is sick of waiting and charges backstage to confront the champion.
(7:54pm) Bobby Lashley is staring intensely into the camera for some reason.
RESULT: Nia Jax defeats Naomi
(7:53pm) Jax with a Samoan Drop on Naomi, followed by a powerbomb and a win.
(7:52pm) Jax starts the match by tossing Naomi around the ring. Naomi isn't havin' it.
(7:50pm) Naomi comes to the ring no worse for wear so I guess Nia Jax didn't beat her up. Naomi is also accompanied to the ring by Lana which is perfectly fine by me.
(7:46pm) Naomi tales on Jia Nax after the break, except Jax doesn't seem like she wants to wait and confront the Glowly One or whatever the hell they call her backstage.
(7:45pm) Drew still looks a little sad. Also, 15 minutes until our WWE Championship match.
RESULT: Drew McIntyre defeats Sheamus
(7:44pm) Sheamus charges in for a Brough Kick but Drew charges in with a Claymore kick and gets the gotdang win! What a frickin' match!
(7:42pm) Drew actually hits Sheamus with White Noise off the top rope but STILL only gets a 2-count. Drew gives Sheamus a look of sadness.
(7:39pm) For our convenience, Phillips reminds us once again that Drew and Sheamus were best friends for twenty years. Oh, also, both Drew and Sheamus hit each other with their signature moves (White News/Future Shock DDT).
(7:34pm) Drew is on the mat and Sheamus heads to the top rope. Drew kips up and nails Sheamus with a Glasgow Kiss headbutt (continuing the City From Their Home County + Random Noun move naming convention) then suplexes him right down. Still only manages a 2-count, which means we have another commercial.
(7:33pm) Drew suplexes Sheamus onto the annouce table twice, neither of which causes it to break. SICK.
(7:31pm) Drew is slammed into the corner, but Drew charges out with a big lariat clothesline.
(7:29pm) Sheamus pulls back both sides of Drew's mouth which, apparently a.) is against the rules and b.) is called the "Dublin Smile"? Not buying it.
You guys DO have Twitter, right?
(7:25pm) Sheamus Brough Kicks McIntyre right out of the ring. Ouch. Also, commercials.
(7:24pm) Drew steals the Ten Beats of the... you know the one where Sheamus clubs a dude on the chest against the ropes? Yeah, that one. Anyway, Drew does that but his jaw hurts.
(7:21pm) OK, the commercials are done and the two are having their match now? I can't keep track of this silliness. Anyway, they're gettin' all punchy punchy kick kick.
(7:17pm) Now Sheamus is out and the two start fighting, but it's apparently not time for their match so all these referees come out to split them apart because they always do that, right?
(7:16pm) Oh, and tonight's WWE Championship match takes place at 9pm/8pm Central time... so about 45 minutes.
(7:14pm) Miz wonders out loud why Bobby Lashley is getting the first title shot when McIntyre should be. He suggests that he, Morrison, and Miz should be a team. That's when MVP comes out.
(7:11pm) The Miz and John Morrison come to the ring - after Miz insists on an official intro - and asks McIntyre why he's so mad at him when it should be Lashley he should be mad at.
(7:08pm) Drew recaps what happened to him at Elimination Chamber, then tells the crowd he'll be gosh darned if he's not going to main event WrestleMania and whoever wins between Miz and Lashley tonight is going to have a big target on his back. Lashley will probably have a bigger target since, you know, he has a bigger back.
(7:07pm) OK... Drew insinuates that his match with Sheamus is going to be later which makes me wonder why he's not wearing a shirt. Oh, well. Wrestling.
(7:07pm) Oh wait, Drew is talking first.
(7:05pm) Tom Phillips calls tonight "one of the biggest nights in the history" of Raw! Including Drew McIntyre taking on Sheamus! I can't wait to see that later toni... oh sh**, it's happening now.
(7:03pm) First person to Tweet me and tell me what that last post was a reference to gets a shout out right here. @HeyImKevinSulluy #WNWRawWWE
(7:02pm) By the way, all of these timestamps are Central Time. What's a timestamp? Um... just because I don't know what it means doesn't mean I'm lying.
(7:01pm) We get a little recap of last week's story involving Miz, Lashley, Braun Strowman and all of that.