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Happy Monday, fellow wrestling nerds! Kevin Christopher Sullivan here, back and so, so happy to be so. I hope you all had a stellar weekend, I hope more and more of you are getting the vaccine (I am tomorrow! Yowie Wowie!) and staying healthy, and I hope you're goddamned ready for some goddamned WWE Monday Night Raw.
First thing, though - coming off our RetroMania Wrestling giveaway on Friday - I still have a download code for the Xbox One (will also play on an Xbox Series X/S, of course), thanks to the amazing people at RetroSoft Studios. Currently also available on Steam (and coming to PS4/5 and Nintendo Switch very soon), RetroMania is a sequel to the original WWF WrestleFest arcade game and has been getting rave reviews all over tech and game media. We pretty much love it here, too.
If you wanna win, well, it's super easy. Just make sure you're following me on Twitter (@HeyImKevinSully) and, once Raw starts (and not before), just send me one tweet with the hashtag #WNWisRaw. At the end of the show, I'll pick one entry at random and DM the winner the download code. Easy peasy.
We're about 30 minutes to showtime, so let's get things in gear!
Anyway, thanks to everyone for tuning and... as well as entering our contest tonight. I'll announce the winner on Twitter in about fifteen minutes. I hope you have a great night and, until Friday, I'm out of here.
Well.... that was.... a show.
(9:57pm) King Corbin hits the ring in an attempt to take up Lashley on his offer. Drew fights him off, but Lashley takes the opportunity to slap the Hurt Lock on McIntyre.
(9:51pm) Drew demands Bobby comes out. Bobby does.
"GIMMIE A MICROPHONE!" Who does Drew think he is, Scott Steiner?
RESULT: Drew McIntyre defeats Mustafa Ali
(9:49pm) Ali leaps off the second turnbuckle and Drew headbutts him out of the air. Then hits him with a Claymore. Then wins.
(9:47pm) Ali is taking the fight to a worn-out McIntyre, as if Drew isn't going to pull this off and wi... there we go, Drew just threw Ali up in the air like a pillow.
LAST CHANCE TO ENTER AND GET A DOWNLOAD CODE FOR RETROMANIA WRESTLING ON XBOX!
Follow me on @HeyImKevinSully on Twitter.
Tweet at me at least ONCE with the tag #WNWisRaw
Mustafa Ali hits the ring and attacks Drew in an attempt to take Lashley up on his offer. Drew tosses him out of the ring and challenges him to "FIGHT ME!"
RESULT: Drew McIntyre defeats Ricochet
(9:40pm) Ricochet goes for the 640 splash, but Drew moves and hits him with the Claymore!
(9:35pm) Ricochet and Drew McIntyre - there's no way this isn't a classic.
Next week! Shayna Baszler and Nia Jax are taking on Asuka and Ripley. Because.... why the hell not?
(9:26pm) I LOVE Rhea Ripley but, for some reason she.... OH CRAP.... I was about to make a Buckaroo Banzai reference but Ripley just threw the table right into her head. Ow.
Also, Nia Jax and Shayna Baszler come out and Baszler starts running her mouth like someone who didn't just get beaten by Naomi.
(9:24pm) Time to sign the contract between Asuka and Ripley for WrestleMania and I'm sure this isn't going to end in violence.
Meanwhile, Asuka is wandering around backstage when she's approached by Riddle on a scooter. After a minute or two of chatting, Riddle forgets what he was saying and then rides away. Meanwhile, her WrestleMania opponent, Rhea Ripley is... talking to some guy.
(9:15pm) Naomi took on Shayna Baszler one on one and there was a bunch of nonsense and then Naomi did a bridge on Shayna and won.
(9:07pm) Drew is steaming mad and charges into the dressing room, demanding someone try and take him out. Everyone is either non-plussed (Braun is preoccupied with Shane, Riddle already took on Sheamus) or makes a lame-ass attempt (Angel Garza?). He finally steps up to RIcochet - Richard O'Shea reminds Drew that he knows him and that while he doesn't trust Bobby Lashley, if he wants a fight, he's got one in the ring. Looks like we have a match.
(9:05pm) "At WrestleMania... the Legend Killer.... DIES!"
Did she.... did she just threaten to murder Randy Orton? RUDE!
Alexa Bliss is nex (ding ding) ALEXA STOP I DON'T NEED ANYTHING Bliss is next, after this break.
(8:56pm) With AJ's encouragement, Omos drives Woods into the mat with a two-handed chokeslam. Styles makes the sarcastic three-count as Omos pins Woods under one foot.
Kingston races over to protect Woods, but Omos picks him up like a piece of paper, raises him over his head, and tosses him into where the audience would normally be.
RESULT: Xavier Woods defeats AJ Styles via DQ
(8:53pm) Woods leaps to the top rope, ready to hit Styles, when Omos grabs AJ's arm and pulls him out of the ring. Woods races over to try and get Omos out of the way, but the giant grabs Xavier's leg and tosses him over the rope and back in the ring. And AJ gets DQ'd for that?!
(8:52pm) Woods has AJ on the turnbuckles, but Styles slides down and reverses the assault with a backbreaker suplex. Ouch.
(8:48pm) Looks like we're gonna wrap up hour two with Xavier Woods vs AJ Styles.
Kevin here! Thanks, Juice! I knew you'd dig that segment. Let's get back to Raw. Also... Don't forget! Do you want to win a download code for RetroMania Wrestling on Xbox? Follow me on Twitter (@HeyImKevinSully) and tweet me ONCE with the hashtag #WNWIsRaw and you'll be entered to win at the end of the show.
(8:38) Omos finally speaks to end the games. Come on man play games I like games and really want to see them play jenga!
The New Day nail there's but Omos did not even try to guess at what Styles was trying to act out in charades. Omos then refuses to draw in Pictionary so Styles has to go again. Styles draws the sun which it clearly is but Omos is still not speaking.
(8:33) I see jenga, rockem sockem robots, and connect four among many other games. Charades is kicking games off I wonder how many games they actually get through before brawling begins and the match between Styles and Woods starts.
Time for game night but before that the Steel Cage match at Mania between Strowman and Shane is announced and Riddle vs Sheamus for the United States Championship is added to night 2!
Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods try to challenge Omos and AJ Styles to games to help Omos and Styles build team chemistry. Weird strategy to help your Mania opponents.
(8:24) Spinebuster by Lashley followed by another the champion is bringing the HURT, pun intended. Hurt Lock engaged and Benjamin passes out. Lashley wins and Alexander wants him next week? Good luck with that buddy
(8:21) Alexander just ran away leaving Benjamin alone, classy move.
Lashley now is going to face Benjamin his former Hurt Business brother. Benjamin is doomed here poor Shelton.
(8:14) Great promo from Orton but it's more of the same just him talking about what he has do to The Fiend and mentioning Alexa Bliss too.
(8:10) Miz attack Bad Bunny and Bunny punches him straight in the face. Priest and Bunny now in the ring and Bunny destroys the music video poster in the ring.
(8:08) That was great and of course when it ended Priest and Bad Bunny enters and talking some smack and Bunny said in Spanish that he is going to make Miz his bitch at Mania!
MC Miz and Johnny Drip Drip with their third hit single ladies and gentleman. Plenty of jabs about Bad Bunny in this diss track obviously and quite a few towards Damian Priest as well the friend of Mr. Bunny.
(7:59) PREMIER TIME for the music video Hey Hey Hop Hop by Miz and Morrison on a special edition of The Dirt Sheet! I honestly love their music videos so I'm excited.
I Juice am here for a bit until Kevin comes back, if that disturbs you well too bad.
(7:54pm) Braun announces that he's got Shane in a steel cage at WrestleMania. Eek.
RESULT: Braun Strowman defeats Jaxon Ryker
(7:51pm) Strowman begins the match out by tossing Ryker around like an alt-right rag doll. Shane McMahon dances around, trying to distract him. Strowman tosses Ryker out of the ring and then does the choo-choo train charge where they actually play a train sound before he does. And then powerslam and Braun wins.
A little bit of housekeeping - I'm going to be stepping away in about ten minutes... but just for half an hour. My main man, Juice, will be covering stuff. Fear not... I'll be back shortly. Or, if that bothers you then, I dunno, fear? Anyway, brb
(7:46pm) It's Braun vs Jaxon... NEXT!
(7:45pm) That choo-choo train music signifies that here comes Braun Strowman.
(7:43pm) Shane McMahon, Elias and Jaxson Ryker are in the ring and making fun of Braun Strowman and his 5th grade report card - the kind of Photoshopped hilarity that John Cena used to do.
(7:42pm) Coming back from break, we see Drew McIntyre walking past AJ Styles and Omos, who insist they have their own plans for WrestleMania. So, that went nowhere.
(7:34pm) Riddle isn't taking it well and attacks Sheamus after the match. Grrrrrrr
RESULT: Sheamus defeats Riddle
(7:32pm) Sheamus goes for a Brough Kick, but Riddle dodges and rolls him up for a two-count. Then, Sheamus with his own jumping knee onto RIddle and gets the win.
(7:30pm) Riddle manages to get a Bro-ton on Sheamus, but kicks out at two. The US champion turns that into a triangle hold and then a second - but Sheamus manages to reach the ropes. Sheamus drops Riddle with White Noise onto the ring apron THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING
Hurt Business broken up in the first hour of Raw and everyone on Twitter blowing a gasket. There's two weeks to go until WrestleMania. I know WWE doesn't have a perfect track record, folks, but let's maybe see how this plays out before we start taking it personally like a lot of you do.
(7:20pm) Time for Riddle vs Sheamus. Let's go.
(7:17pm) Shelton and Cedric approach Adam Pearce and demand he book Lashley vs Shelton for this week, and vs Cedric next week. Then they insult him and tell him he doesn't have testicles or something and Pearce just stands there like "Hey, I DO have testicles! That's MEAN!"
Also, Samoa Joe isn't here this week, so MVP is on commentary.
(7:13pm) Riddle is backstage with his scooter and he meets up with the co-host of WrestleMania this year, Titus O'Neal, going on about roasts and whatnot. Titus walks away and Sheamus shoulderblocks him into a riser - Sheamus vs Riddle for the US title is NEXT!
(7:09pm) Benjamin and Alexander are furious and humiliated. Cedric gets knocked out of the ring by Lashley and he and Shelton start to throw down, but Shelton eventually gets beaten down. As predicted, Lashley announces that, for those two, the Hurt Business is "over."
(7:06pm) MVP and Lashley are about to lecture Cedric and Shelton about losing last week. In fact, Lashley is about to fire the two of them, it seems.
(7:01pm) McKenzie meets up with Drew McIntyre backstage as he arrives in his soccer clothes and asks him about the, well, for lack of a better word, "hit" put out on him by Bobby Lashley. Drew asks the locker room if they really think Lashley is good for his word.
(7:00pm) WWE. THEN. NOW. EXECUTIVE PRODUCER DICK WOLF.