Hello, my friends, and welcome to another three hours of WWE's Raw. I'm your host (of this coverage thing, not of Raw. Oh my Jesus, could you imagine? I'm terrified just thinking about it) Kevin Christopher Sullivan and I'll be with you through the whole three hours. Unless my apartment building blows up. Or my kid gets sick. Or if my kid blows up. Stuff like that.
Following the break line after this friggin' wall of text will be our commentary and it'll go in reverse chronological order - so you get the latest update right away. This way if you tune in late (or are a far future civilization explorer and are reading this after Raw has air)(hi, by the way) you'll be able to see what happened immediately after opening this page, then can scroll down for context.
You may have to refresh the page once or twice to get the latest updates. Sorry about that. Please do not hurt your finger.
Anyhoo... it's 6:00pm here, so we've got an hour to go (time stamps are in central time, by the way). See you jokers down below.
Have a great night, everybody! I'm outta here.
(9:58pm) McIntyre nails a Claymore, and Braun Strowman runs in to give McIntyre the DQ win.
Braun helps Lashley up, but then nails a powerslam. Braun spends the rest of the end of the show beating up his two opponents on Sunday.
(9:45pm) Anyway, I'll be back for the end of this match.
They did it AGAIN!
(9:36pm) I love it when the announcers are talking about a triple threat match and say stuff like "so-and-so doesn't have to be pinned to lose the title" or "there's no countouts!" as if we don't already know
Also, Bobby Lashley is coming to the ring. He's gonna fight Drew McIntyre.
Lumberjack match for Priest vs Miz at Backlash.
Just as they're about to head to commercials while watching Bobby Lashley do jumping jacks or something, Braun Strowman walks in to stare him down.
That message probably being "Look, I know how to do his move!"
(9:27pm) Priest with Hit The Lights and gets the win!
Miz attacks him from behind, but Priest fights him off... then goes back to nail Johnny Drip Drip with HTL to send a message.
(9:17pm) Miz approaches Priest outside the ring, puffs his chest, throws down his coat, and the two square off like old timey boxers.
(9:16pm) Indulge an old man: Why does he call himself Johnny Drip Drip?
(9:14pm) Priest is here, and the match shall begin.
(9:07pm) John Morrison makes his entrance, along with The Miz, as he's about to take on Damian Priest in that match we talked about down there.
(9:04pm) Riptide and a Rhea Ripley win.
(9:03pm) Two times - Rhea and Asuka each - has Charlotte - on commentary - distracted each and allowing the other to attack them.
(8:55pm) Charlotte's music hits and it distracts Rhea enough to suffer a forearm to the back of her head from Asuka. Charlotte: "I'm just here to watch!"
RE: the tweet below "I think we can all see the significance of this" - Bill Wurtz
(8:45pm) Asuka's doing double duty tonight, as she's about to take on Raw Women's Champion Rhea Ripley.
Shelton Benjamin takes an absolute beating, but in the end, Benjamin nails him and gets the pin.
(8:37pm) Cedric vs Shelton begins
Now THAT was the video to pad the time.
(8:31pm) We're about to get Cedric Alexander vs Shelton Benjamin.
Are guess they're killing a few minutes with this video package about Lucha House Party? I'm kidding.
(8:29pm) Humberto goes for a sunset flip to the floor, but Sheamus lands on Carrillo's knee. Humberto can't continue.
(8:28pm) Sheamus goes for a Death Valley Driver off the second rope, but Humberto fights out and Frankensteiners him to the arena floor.
It's Sheamus vs Fandang.... oh, that's Humbert Carrillo.
Sheamus is coming to the ring and he's bringing his US title with him.
Speaking of the United States, here
"How are we gonna have friends when you keep doing stuff like that!" - Riddle
(8:05pm) The New Day are dragging AJ Styles by his feet around the ring, which distracts Omos. As the giant chases after his boss, Orton nails Elias with an RKO and gets the win.
Then Randy Orton RKOs the New Day.
(8:00pm) Back from break and apparently, Omos tagged in Elias for some reason.
Omos tosses Riddle into a corner and the Original Bro is on the mat. Randy Orton dives in to defend his partner.
And Xavier Woods playing the trombone along with Elias's theme song.
(7:50pm) I'm cracking up over here at Riddle singing along to Randy Orton's theme song.
Up next, R-K-Bro and The New Day vs Elias and Jackson Ryker and the Raw Tag Champions AJ Styles and Omos.
(7:39pm) I've been informed that Shanky is actually his last name and I need to shut up.
Also, Mahal hits a running knee and then his finisher to finish Hardy off
(7:37pm) Hardy starts the match charging at Mahal, and starts just a wild and vicious attack, but Jinder gets the upper hand.
(7:37pm) Jinder shaved his head.
(7:36pm) Veer and SHANKY? SHANKY?!?!?! Ugh... forget it.
Here comes Jeff Hardy.
(7:32pm) Jinder Mahal is back, he's got the former Indus Sher with him, and he's taking on Jeff Hardy after the break.
(7:29pm) Damian Priest is backstage talking to Adam Pearce when Miz and Morrison come in. Priest says he has an idea for their match tonight. Morrison says he wouldn't have lost if it weren't for... and then holds up his palm and uses his thumb to point at him.
Priest's idea - the winner of the match tonight picks the stipulation for their match at Backlash. Morrison accepts.
(7:25pm) As we come back from the break, MVP comes into Braun Strowman's locker room to talk business.
(7:18pm) Riddle scoots up to the New Day and thanks them for the registration form to become an official tag team, which I didn't know you had to do.
(7:16pm) Suddenly, Shayna's leg freezes up and she can't move it. She tries to reach out to tag Nia Jax but can't. Not before getting hit in the face with a Shining Wizard by Asuka for the win.
(7:15pm) Dana Brooke with a nice looking handspring elbow into the corner.
(7:09pm) Three minutes into the match and the Firefly Funhouse theme plays. Alexa Bliss is sitting on a swing on the stage. She says she's there to keep an eye on... someone. I bet it's one of those camera guys.
(7:06pm) And here comes Asuka.
(7:05pm) The WWE Women's Tag Team Champions Shayna Baszler are her partners.
Dana Brook and Mandy Rose are next out.
(7:03pm) Nah, here comes Charlotte for the six-woman tag tea match. I lose.
(7:02pm) How much you wanna bet the show opens with MVP and Lashley?
Also, I'll ask again - what awards has ThunderDome won?
(7:00pm) WWE! THEN. NOW. FOR THREE HOURS!