(If you are following along live, please note it may be necessary to refresh the page once or twice to get the latest updates. Time stamps [in Central time] are provided in case you need to catch up. The opinions in this commentary are those of the author and not necessarily those of Wrestling News World or its staff. Especially a couple of those marks over in accounting. Geez.)
HEYYYYY YOOOOOU GUUUUUYSSSS! Ha ha, you know, like that guy in The Goonies with the face and the... whatever, never mind. I'm Kevin C. Sullivan (the "C" stands for "charming", I swear!) and I'll be your idiot guide through the three-though-it-feels-like-eight hours of WWE Monday Night Raw.
Look, I'm gonna be square with you cats. I know you guys are reading this. I mean, I'm not being conceited, I'm just saying I've seen the numbers. They aren't amazing but I know you're out there. Now, first, I super appreciate it - sincerely - and I hope you're enjoying it but, come on, I've gotta hear from some of you guys - either in the comments below or on Twitter (@HeyImKevinSully). I need to know what you guys think of what I'm doing so I can keep doing the stuff you like and knock off the stuff you don't. I mean, I'm not even getting insults. I thought you were the Internet?
So, please, let me hear what you think of the show and of our coverage, OK. You're killin' me, Smalls!
Don't forget, I also have my list of accounts I share during coverage, so if you'd like to get your Twitter account onto the eyeballs of our readers, frop me a line and I'll see if I can add you (that was supposed to say 'drop', but I accidentally typed 'frop' and it made me giggle so much, I kept it)
Time to get started! Enjoy the show, (I hope you) enjoy the coverage, enjoy whatever beverage you may be drinking and, you know what? I hope you just enjoy life in general. TTFN!
Oh, right. If you're chatting about it on Twitter, do you mind tagging me (@HeyImKevinSully), us (@WNWNews), and/or (probably or) the hashtag #WNWRaw? That would be swell.
That was a heck of a way to set up both matches for HIAC this Sunday. Great overall show, great ending.
Well, I'd say I'll see you on Friday for SmackDown but I know I won't :P. Anyway, thanks for coming by and until next time... I'm outta here.
(9:59pm) Drew is setting up the Claymore on AJ, but Lashley distracts the ref long enough for Omos to grab him by the hair and slam him to the mat. The Raiders attack him, but the giant disposes of them both.
AJ is struggling to get up and Drew is looking to kick his face off. Omos and Lashley are on the apron and AJ goes for the tag... and tags in Lashley instead of Omos. Lashley looks confused... then gets that confused look kicked right off his face by a Claymore. Pin. Show's ovah.
RESULT: Drew McIntyre and the Viking Raiders defeat AJ & Omos and Bobby Lashley.
(9:58pm) Aw snap..... HERE WE GO
(9:55pm) AJ Styles just looks so tiny and adorable next to all these guys.
(9:48pm) OK, Lashley has his wrasslin' pants and is back!
(9:46pm) Oh my goodness it's a six man tag team match what a shock.
Oh.... Ha ha ha ha ha Lashey had to go backstage to change his clothes.
I think we are, my friend.
(9:43pm) Lashley attempts to attack Drew outside, but Drew stops him and hits him and then Drew gets in the ring and does a top rope clothesline on AJ and goes for a pin and then Lashley attacks him and yep, we all see where this is going.
RESULT: Drew McIntyre defeats AJ Styles
(9:41pm) This fight ends up on the floor and there's no way this will end badly.
(9:39pm) Despite all the rigamarole outside the ring, AJ and Drew are putting on a great match.
(9:34pm) Ok, I was sort of wrong? All the aforementioned people are at ringside, but this is still a 1-on-1 confrontation.
I can't believe that Bobby Lashey was never renamed "Lashley" at any point. I mean, that seems like something that would happen.
(9:30pm) Ha ha I'm just kidding, Drew makes a mean gesture at Lashley, so he starts storming to the ring. Drew sets up for a Claymore, but Omos pulls him out of the ring. The Viking Raiders come out. Do the math.
(9:29pm) I'm so sure this is going to end in a clean win and nobody will get involved and there's NO way this turns into, like, a 6-man tag match or something. No way. That would be ridiculous.
(9:25pm) Drew is in the ring, waiting for AJ... but Lashley comes out. He looks surprised. Like, did the crew putting those VIP Lounge on the stage not tip him off?
OK, I'll stop doing that now.
Some have a style
That they work hard to refine
So they walk a crooked line
But she won't understand
Why anyone would have to try
To walk a line when they could fly
How is Hell In a Cell any more dangerous than a regular cage match? Is it because you don't have the option to win by escaping the cage? That's dumb. There's still as much area to work with inside the cage, and slamming someone into the cage has got to be less harmful than the security barrier. And keeping others out? We already know that WWE Superstars know what bolt cutters are.
(9:15pm) Elias is out of the ring, and he looks lke he's about to get back in around the count of 7, but he hesitates then decides against it - letting himself get counted out and taking the L.
RESULT: Jaxon Ryker defeats Elias
All the old paintings on the tombs
They do the sand dance don't you know?
If they move too quick (oh whey oh)
They're falling down like a domino
(9:13pm) Anyway, Elias starts the match all over Ryker. Change from last week.
(9:09pm) Next is another Elias vs Jaxon Ryker match and doo dah doo laa dee doo boo bah bum nobody is reading this so maybe I'll just posting Bangles song lyrics
(9:07pm) MVP is backstage talking sh** to The New Day, telling Kofi that Woods is the reason he's not succeeding. Kofi tells him to pound sand.
(9:05pm) Alexa goes after Reginald, but stares at him all creepy like, and Reginald looks like he's hypnotized - which is how *I'd* probably look if she did that to me.
(9:02pm) Nia Jax slaps the Million Dollar Dream but Alexa punches her way out. Jax with a clothesline, but misses the legdrop as Alexa sits up, Tommy End style. Alexa goes for a top rope move but Reginald distracts her. She gets back up there and hits the Twisted Bliss. Reginald interferes and Nia gets DQd.
RESULT: Alexa Bliss defeats Nia Jax
(9:00pm) Alexa using her natural contortion skills to walk all creepy-like toward Nia Jax and I am so on board.
Bobby, maybe don't publicly threaten to murder someone. That seems unwise.
(8:52pm) We're hearing from The Hurt Business now and for some reason, Bobby's promo feels way less scripted than Drew's. Is he getting... better at promos? Anyway, hi Alexa....
I do love these segments because I get to play the "Hey, That's That Guy" game!
(8:49pm) Oh, they're doing the "All the producers have to run to the ring and split these two up but they just keep fighting each other!" thing.
(8:47pm) Riptide by Rhea and the pin and I'm an idiot, apparently.
RESULT: Rhea Ripley defeats Asuka
Oh, wait, here's Charlotte. What is she wearing? Geez, I sound like Joan RIvers all of a sudden.
(8:45pm) This has been a pretty intense, back and forth match, but I'm just waiting for Charlotte to come out and cause the DQ or something.
(8:35pm) Hey! Rhea Ripley is just 24 years old! How interesting!
(8:29pm) Hey! We're getting Rhea Ripley vs Asuka!
(8:25pm) Holy garbage, I can't keep up with this match (in a good way)... Orton goes for an RKO on Woods, but he reverses. Orton manages to hit it a little bit later, and gets the win
RESULT: RK-Bro defeats The New Day
(8:23pm) Randy wants to hit Woods with the draping DDT, but Kofi grabs Wood's legs and causes Orton to fall throat first on the ropes. He manages to tag Riddle in, but New Day overwhlem him... for a moment.
(8:22pm) Orton hits Xavier with a powerbomb (Riddle kinda helped a little) but Woods kicks out at 2.
I forget... has Rey Mysterio ever been in a Kids In The Hall... I mean Hell In a Cell match?
(8:15pm) Kofi goes for a Trouble In Paradise following a Boom Drop, but Randy dodges, falls into his corner, and Riddle with a blind tag. Riddle like a house on fire as he nails the former WWE Champion with some solid kids and then a Floating Bro senton. Randy charges and knocks Xavier out of the ring before the pin can be broken up... but Kofi kicks out anyway. Then we get another ad.
(8:13pm) This has been a really solid tag team match. Nothing of note, story-wise, has happened, but the wrestling itself has been fantastic...
Oh, wait, Randy Orton just tried to stomp Xavier Woods to death.
If you guys don't start commenting down below, I swear to GOD, I WILL TURN THIS ARTICLE AROUND, SO HELP ME....
(8:07pm) Both Randy and Riddle are on the floor, and Kofi's going for that Tope Suicida and RK-Bro scatter. Kofi stops short, bounces on the ropes and basically said "ha ha I tricked you."
(8:04pm) Any time I don't know what a move RIddle does is called, I just assume it has the word "Bro" in it.
(8:03pm) Anyway, this match is go.
(8:01pm) Riddle singing along with Orton's theme song is everything and it will never get old until it gets old.
(7:58pm) Drew is so sick of Bobby Lashley that he's calling him Trashley! HAhahahahahahahaha Oh, then he called William Wallace "BIG WILLY!" hahahahaha ha heh I bet Vince wrote this.
(7:54) New Day vs RK-Bro is next after these Sonic commercials.
(7:52pm) Dana Brooke and Mandy Rose are in the middle of a photoshoot (thank you WWE, you clearly read my diary) and are distracted by Natalya and Tamina training in the ring next to them. Brooke and Rose ask them to keep it down, words are exchanged, and both teams are scrapping in the practice ring. Ladies, don't fight.
(7:49pm) The announce team is pretending like they don't know who she is like anyone believes that. Anyway, Piper is taking on Naomi instead and she's just destroying Naomi. In fact, she nails a Michinoku Driver on her and wins!
RESULT: Piper Niven defeats Naomi
RESULT EVA MARIE ANNOUNCED ON THE MIC: Eva Marie defeats Naomi.
(7:48pm) Eva Marie comes to the ring and.... is that Piper Niven?!?!
(7:43pm) Naomi is coming to the ring! I like Naomi but you know what thiiiissssss means!
Oh, if you don't, it means Eva Marie comes out next after this ad break, and I'm trying to do this running gag where I really really like Eva Maria - and I do like her, don't get me wrong - but I'm really exaggerating and wait why am I explaining this? Um... oh, look, a Pizza Hut ad!
(7:39pm) Hardy dodges an attempt by Alexander to hit him with the Twist of Fate, hits the same move on Cedric, then a Swanton Bomb and no retirement for the Charasmatic Enigma (that's such a cool nickname).
RESULT: Jeff Hardy defeats Cedric Alexander
(7:33pm) Cedric grabs the mic and cuts an angry promo (he's so adorable when he pretends to be angry) and how he used to respect Hardy, but now he hates him and stuff, and "apologizes" for not sending him "to a retirement home" after their match last week.
Jeff grabs the mic and challenges Cedric to a match RIGHT NOW, and if Jeff doesn't win he'll retire! Holy Shiz on a Stick, what is happening?
(7:32pm) John Morrison hits Starship Pain and gets the win.
RESULT: John Morrison defeats Jeff Hardy
CORRECTION: In a previous post, we stated that John Morrison used the drip stick on Hardy. It was actually The Miz. Wrestling News World regrets the error.
(7:29pm) While Morrison is giving Hardy the business, Cedric Alexander comes out to the ring! Which begs the question, why the hell did Cedric Alexander come out to the ring?
(7:28pm) Morrison shoots Hardy in the face! OK, it was that squirt gun thing Morrison has but still.
(7:26pm) Jeff Hardy is taking on Johnny Drip-Drip now that we're back to the show. Miz is in his wheelchair and on commentary, proving that even if you're in a wheelchair because of an ACL injury, you can still talk into a microphone. So inspiring.
(7:23pm) We cut to Riddle talking to Jeff Hardy, getting advice on how to be successful. Jeff's got that makeup on his eyelids that makes it look like he's got eyes even when they're closed (which I guess, tehnically, he does... you know what I mean) and his eyes are closed and he robotically gives some advice ("I can't believe I'm saying this, but you should listen to Randy Orton...")
(7:17pm) Charlotte Flair slips out of the ring to get a breather, and Nikki goes "grrrrrrr I'm getting hyped!") and tries to jump on Charlotte. Charlotte catches her and, while trash talking Ripley, does that thing Razor Ramon used to do where he threw a dude behind him... I'll find a GIF or something... then trash talks Ripley some more, but Cross slips into the ring and Charlotte is counted out!
RESULT: Nikki Cross defeats Charlotte Flair.
Charlotte is mad and beats up Nikki, and so Rhea attacks Charlotte so she can't do that anymore.
By the way, I caught some of that show, The Nevers, on HBO Max (rated M so, sorry childrens) and there's a character on there that kills a dude and she seems exactly like NXT-version Nikki Cross and I miss her so much. (This is not an endorsement of the show or Joss Whedon, I'm just making an observation)
(7:10pm) This match is on! A couple of minutes in, though, Rhea Ripley's music hits and Charlotte is distracted just long enough for Nikki to roll her up. Fortunately for Charlotte, she only gets a 2-count. Flair decides to make an example of Nikki in front of the champion, but it's a commercial now so we don't get to see it.
(7:07pm) Nikki Cross has come to the ring and we get a look at all the stuff that happened between her, Charlotte Flair, and Rhea Ripley. Charlotte cuts a promo about why she's wrestling Nikki tonight and Charlotte cuts a really friggin' good promo.
(7:02pm) I love how Shayna put a couch in front of the door like in a cartoon. Also, Lilly is in time out. Nia Jax comes out and tells Alexa that Shayna will see her (Alexa) at Hell In a Cell. She says some other mean things, and Alexa didn't like that and she said some mean things, and Nia challenges her to a match TONIGHT. Alexa says "yep".
(7:01pm) Cold open with Alexa Bliss, commenting on last week's ending which, according to most of Twitter, everybody loved and there were no complaints.
(7:00pm) WWE. THEN. NOW. FOR crying out loud, YouTube TV, why are you, like, two minutes behind everyone else?
Like, tonight ended with a baby just barely surviving surgery, the aftermath of an apartment fire, and then two cops making out, which I guess isn't THAT depressing... oh, wait, they're doing more than kissi... you know what, let's just move on.