Hey everybody! I'm Kevin and welcome to tonight's coverage of WWE Monday Night Raw here at Wrestling News World! Whether you're following along because you can't watch the show yourself or if you're reading while watching because, for some reason, you enjoy my commentary - thank you!
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Oh, Christ. The lead in is Ant-Man and not a depressing Dick Wolf show. My fortunes are turning.
(8:52pm) And Austin Theory gets the win.
RESULT: Austin Theory defeats Dominick Mysterio
(8:42pm) Shelton looks like he's gonna start some with Lee, but thinks better of it.
Meanwhile, Rey Mysterio is prepping for his match tonight with Dominick when Austin Theory comes in and is just kind of a dick.
So, now we're getting Dominick vs Austin Theory. NEXT!
RESULT: Keith "Bearcat" Lee defeats Cedric Alexander
(8:38pm) Lee is taking on Cedric Alexander, so clearly Cedric's career is going swimmingly.
(8:37pm) Keith BURRRRRRCAHTTT Lee is coming up next. He's yelling.
(8:32pm) Carmella defeats Liv Morgan because there is no God.
(8:20pm) T-BARR hits Priest with one of the announce desk chair, gets DQ'd, and Priest just LOSES IT.
RESULT: Damian Priest defeats T-BARR
(8:12pm) As we head into the next break, US Champion Damian Priest comes to the ring with a pretty cool "Heaven & Hell" intro, and he's taking on *looks at notes* Oh... T-Barr.
I'm going to go make some chicken nuggets.
(8:06pm) Becky: "Back of the line, bitch!" Ooooh... Bianca didn't like that. The EST starts laying the smack, as they say, DOWN. Becky pulls out a kendo stick, but Bianca blocks it and keeps the attack up. Becky fights her way out of the situation and tells Bianca she'll get her match... just not tonight.
(8:05pm) Bianca to Becky "You are NOTHING without that title!"
(8:00pm) Oh hai, Bianca.
(7:59pm) Becky Lynch heeling it up.
(7:54pm) WWE Raw Women's Champion Becky Lynch is out next to start the second hour.
(7:50pm) Vega untied one of the turnbuckle covers and, while the ref is trying to fix it, Vega nails Duodrop with her sceptre and gets the win.
RESULT: Queen Zelina defeats Duodrop
Strong language from our guy Ja'von but he's got a point.
(7:41pm) Zelina Vega doing the King Booker Fake British Accent thing. It's kinda hot, actually.
RESULT: Roode/Ziggler defeats Street Profits and Alpha Academy
(7:40pm) Roode and Ziggler win thanks to Omos coming out and attacking the Profits.
Also, Zelina Vega is out being all Queen-y and stuff.
(7:23pm) ha ha Robert Roode is still in a tag team.
(7:22pm) Apparently, it's Street Profits vs Ziggler/Roode vs Alpha Academy.
(7:15pm) Sonya Deville (as opposed to Cruella Deville, which is what Kevin Owens called Seth Rollins because he's wearing a black and white coat and whatever it was still funny) comes out and sets up a fatal four way ladder match to get a shot at Big E's title.
(7:14pm) Kevin Owens wants in on this action. Owens does what he does, which is be awesome, and Seth has had enough.
(7:11pm) Oh, hey, Finn Balor is here, too. It seems tonight's theme is "let's read our resumes over the mic."
(7:10pm) Rey Mysterio is out here, making all sorts of eye puns.
(7:09pm) Rollins wants Big E's championship. Big E points out that he lost to Edge at CJ and, therefore, he goes to the "back of the line."
Rollins asks E if he wants to be a fighting champion.
(7:06pm) Big E thanks Drew McIntyre for pushing him to the limit at Crown Jewel. Then, Seth Rollins comes out.
(7:04pm) Big E playing up the Houston crowd... and very well, I might add.
(7:02pm) Raw is in HOUSTON... which is a few hours from me... but I'm here because, well, because I just am.
Wait. Is that a new theme song or do I just not pay attention.
Anyway, here's your WWE Champion Large E.