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Hey everybody. Kevin C. Sullivan here, and tonight there's gonna be an episode of WWE SmackDown and we're gonna watch it! Well, I am, anyway, so if you aren't able to watch it, I'll tell you what's happening - hopefully not too long after it happens. I'm watching on YouTube TV so who knows if I'll have lag or not.
And even if you ARE watching, go ahead and follow along with my commentary tonight, anyway. Come on, it'll be a good time and I might even actually be funny for once.
Check out our preview via the Tweet above there. And while you're on Twitter, be sure to send me your own thoughts on tonight's show via my Twitter handle, @HeyImKevinSully. Or, just drop them into the comments section below. See, that's what we do here at Wrestling News World - we give you options. In this case, at least two. At LEAST.
Anyway, I'll see you all on the Fox network in 30 minutes. Let's do this.
(7:02pm Central) We kick off the show like we do most of these shows, with a look at last week's show and how it relates to this week's show.
Roman Reigns has a copy of the contract for his match against Adam Pearce at the Royal Rumble and he doesn't look happy. Paul Heyman takes the contract and assures Roman that he'll handle everything.
(7:07pm) Jey Uso is in the ring for his match and informs everyone that he and his cousin run things on this show.
Uso declares himself an entrant into the 2021 Royal Rumble - and promises that not only will he win, but he'll go on to Raw and win the WWE Championship.
Here comes Nakamura - with his original "I'mma Good Guy" theme music, and tells Uso that if Reigns is the "Big Dog", Jey is Roman's "little puppy." Which is dumb as hell and awesome at the same time. Jey didn't like that and charges, but Shinsuke is done talking and kicks him in his stupid head.
Nakamura vs Ooh-so is next.
(7:16pm) We begin and Uso decides to start throwing hands Strong Style-style but Shinsuke is, you know... King of that particular style and does it better. But, Uso somehow manages to get the upper hand.
Shinsuke now has the advantage and... here comes Cesaro? Yep. Here comes Cesaro.
Cesaro is at the commentary table, as Michael Cole mentions that the Swiss Cyborg has a match against Daniel Bryan later tonight.
Also, my wife bought me this shirt when I got my dentures...
Shinsuke goes for a Kinshasa, but Uso moves and hits The Artist with a superkick. He heads to the top rope and goes for a splash, but Shinsuke gets a knee up. However, Uso rolls up Shinsuke with his feet on the ropes. Charles Robinson sees it.
Shinsuke with a Kinshasa and the win!
RESULT: Shinsuke Nakamura defeats Jey Uso
I was certain Cesaro, who was celebrating with his buddy in the ring, was going to attack him - but we still have a ways to go until the Rumble.
Paul Heyman approaches Adam Pearce and his... assistant?... Sonya Deville and offers him a contract making his match with Roman Reigns a "No DQ" match. Pearce knows what Heyman is up to, even though the former Paul E. Dangerously insists the stipulation is to Pearce's benefit - but signs anyway. Hmmmm... As The Tick would say.... the plot thicks.
Jey Uso is backstage yelling at Charles Robinson, the ref for his match with Shinsuke, and threatens his job.
Roman is backstage talking with... Apollo Crews? Yeah, Apollo Crews. Huh.
Paul Heyman hands Roman the contract signed by Adam Pearce for the No DQ match - but Roman isn't happy with that. He wants it to be a Last Man Standing match because, apparently, he's really into those. And he wants Pearce to sign it in the ring, tonight.
Meanwhile, Liv Morgan is taking on Natalya - and Ruby Riott and Billie Kay are with her.
*sigh* So, Billie Kay is running from Tamina, who is at ringside for some reason, and she runs through the ring - distracting Liv. And Natalya rolls her up for the win.
RESULT: Natalya defeats Liv Morgan
(7:53pm) Rey Mysterio is here and he's with Dominik. Commercial time.
Dominik is on commentary for his dad's match - and Corbin is talking trash to him while he beats up Rey. And Graves keeps egging him on to interfere in the match.
Rey gets Corbin on the middle rope and goes for the 619 - but Corbin gets up and gets him in a Deep Six. Still only gets a two-count from it.
Corbin punches Dom in the face and slides back in the ring. Dominik slides in after him, but Rey stops him from attacking. It was enough for Corbin to grab him and slam him in the End of Days for the win.
RESULT: King Corbin defeats Rey Mysterio
Rey and Dom are backstage and Rey Jr. Jr. is not happy. Rey (nicely) slaps Dom in the face and then tells him that if he wants to take on Corbin, he knows exactly who they need to talk to.
It's time for Bayley's new talk show "Ding Dong, Hello!". Bayley comes through the door set up in the middle of the ring and she's dressed like Sally Jesse Raphael. Bianca Belair is her first guest.
It's time for Daniel Bryan vs Cesaro! IT'S TIME FOR DANIEL BRYAN VS CESARO!!!
The Royal Rumble ad campaign - finally, WWE found a way to use Comic Sans in a commercial.
Bryan vs Cesaro, on top of everything else, really puts into sharp relief just how big Cesaro actually is.
During the break, Bryan kicks Cesaro's head into the ring post, but a second kick misses and hits the post. Cesaro is bleeding from the back of the head and now the two of them are essentially destroying each other.
I apologize. I should be describing this match in way more detail but I'm just mesmerized by it.
Cesaro with the Neuralizer and gets the win!
RESULT: Cesaro defeats Daniel Bryan
It's time for Apollo Crews vs Sami Zayn and Big E is sitting at ringside on a couch, eating fruit, and wearing a Ghostbusters sweater.
Sami tries to roll up Apollo with a handful of tights, but the ref sees it.
Then Apollo does the same thing and gets the win.
RESULT Apollo Crews defeats Sami Zayn
Finally, we get the last segment of tonight's show - the contract signing between Universal Champion Roman Reigns and WWE official (and former NWA World's Heavyweight Champion) "Scrap Daddy" Adam Pearce.
Both men have signed the contract, with Adam Pearce leaving the ring after saying "I've been waiting all night for this."
As Pearce walks to the back, he begins to limp. Oh no! His knee is hurt!
Well, as we all know, the Card Is Subject To Change, like any other, and Adam - as a WWE official - has it in his authority to name a replacement for himself.
And that replacement is Kevin Owens.
Roman vs Owens, last man standing. Woot!
GREAT episode of SmackDown... love these not-three-hours WWE shows. I really enjoy their not-three-hourness.
I will see you all on Monday for Raw. I hope everyone has a great weekend and enjoys Impacts Hard To Kill PPV. Until then... I'm outta here.