Welcome to another edition of The RIB! I’m sold on calling this blog that from now on. There was a man who ran into a burning building to save a rack of ribs and I just took it as a sign from God. Speaking of burned BBQ, I hope everyone enjoyed their Labor Day weekend. Nothing like dragging yourself to work or school with a hangover and an insatiable thirst for more ribs. Don’t worry, I got you.
We open up with promo from Seth “Freaking” Rollins. It was Rollins at his smarmy, wormy, and slimy best. It’s always refreshing to for me to see guys who commit to being true heels. Seth kept bragging about how we deserve to see his statue and even acknowledged how we loved him when he went up against Cena. Good stuff that just dragged on too long. This would be the theme for the night: Raw is Dragging. There were some “Boring” chants. Can’t argue with that. Finally, STAAAAAANNNGGG!! appeared on the titantron and revealed an actual freaking statue!
I can’t emphasize this enough, Sting has such a magnetic personality. It’s great to see him show that in WWE. I have no beef with looney Sting. It was clear the man was having fun the whole night. Sheamus came out to remind the people that he has the MITB briefcase for some reason. In a great exchange, Sheamus set himself up beautifully:
Sheamus: Do you know how stupid you sound?
Rollins: Do you know how stupid you look?
And yes Sheamus, you look stupid. You know that, we know that. We can’t go on pretending like you didn’t walk outside looking like that. Anywho, Seth has got serious problems because now, at NOC, he could be having up to three matches. Poor Seth.
We then cut to a backstage vignette with HHH, Steph, and Rollins. I’m going to take a minute and say that I am fascinated by the dynamic of these three. I don’t know if Hunter and Steph want to be heels or faces or both. Maybe these two are just those annoying helicopter parents that drone over their kid. It’s just strange to see an instance where The Authority is clearly on Seth’s side, but then kicks him out to fend for himself. Maybe they really do want to see if he sinks or swims. Maybe they really do want to see what this lump of coal does under pressure. Either way, I think caution is in order when it comes time to pull the trigger on Seth vs. HHH. I’m a fan of the ‘slow burn’ and this is a beautifully placed powder keg that has the potential to be something special down the line like HHH v. Orton or HHH v. Batista.
Let’s talk Divas.
Paige vs. Sasha Banks was a good match. To be honest, I was way too distracted by what was being said on commentary. “The Divas Revolution Continues.” “Divas Revolution Underway.” If something is constructed by a higher power, then it hardly comes off as a revolution. It made me think of the points Chris Jericho made recently on his podcast. There are too many women in play. You introduced four new faces without a plan to get us to care about them. There is a reason the 4 Horsewomen worked in NXT: There’s history between them so they know how to pull the best out of one another. This isn’t unfixable, however. Something drastic needs to happen and my recommendation may piss off some people.
Nikki Bella has to break AJ Lee’s record. Turn Paige heel. This Three Musketeer “All For One, One For All” bullsh*t is bullsh*t. Paige has come up short in back to back weeks. She has been the one who has advocated for change, got it, but now the spotlight is on Charlotte. Use this as a catalyst for change and build a story. Make an actual feud. It's not cattiness between the ladies, but rather competitive frustration. We’ve seen it done with the men plenty of times. Charlotte faces Nikki Bella next week. Have Paige cost her the match. This whole Charmed “Power of Three” nonsense has to end. There must be a Beyoncé. Who shall it be? (Answer: Sasha Banks)
Oh, and Charlotte has got a gift. You can just feel her passion when she speaks. I dig her.
Let’s talk family feud.
The Ascension vs. Ambrose and Reigns was your standard squash to build momentum for the latter duo. Solid match with all the right spots. I still can’t get over the connection of Stardust with The Ascension. I haven’t decided whether or not I like it. Part of me is like, “I ain’t even mad,” and there is another part of me that’s like, “I want better for Cody!” I have no idea what “The Cosmic Wasteland” is, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t interested. Yes, Viktor and Connor look like cosplaying office workers who refuse to take off their costume, but I’ll give it a shot.
The Wyatt Family deliver a message and we’re over to Ryback and Renee Young. Kevin Owens interrupts. Hopefully this means KO will be facing Ryback at NOC and taking the IC belt. Dear God, please let that happen.
So on to Seth Rollins’s first match of the night against Ryback. Good match between the two. Shout out to those two crazy, bobblehead fans sitting behind announce screaming “You Sold Out” to Rollins like a couple of possessed hand puppets. You the real MVPs. Sting causes the titantron distraction and Ryback gets the victory.
We go to a backstage vignette with Rollins and New Day! And Edge and Christian! And The Dudley Boyz! Get! The! Tables! Oh, and New Day vs. PTP will be next week and winner fights The Dudleys at NOC for the Tag Team Titles. Sweet.
Ugh. I never thought Dolph Ziggler would be involved with something that would make me change the channel. No, The Spirit Squad doesn’t count. There’s a lot you put up with as a wrestling fan, but damn; we have our limits. From the cringe worthy commentary: “This story gripped the entire planet.” “This gripped the entire world.” Say what?! What sad crustaceous life force has this story gripped? This whole TMZ-esque fighting over a woman like a tradable Pokémon card fills me with meh.
Fu*k your lighthouse Summer Rae. Where’s my lighthouse to guide me the hell out of this foolishness? Dolph stole your innocence? You’re damn near 40 years old. Chill.
“You betrated me?”
I’m at sorority girl levels of ‘can’t evening’ right now. Moving along.
Randy Orton vs. Sheamus
More meh. Was a solid, standard match. Sheamus wants us all to “respect the hawk” and carried on with absurd behavior to match his absurd look. Randy pulls a victory while the announcers overdo the “Outta Nowhere!” shtick. Mod-er-a-tion. It goes a long way.
The Wyatts attack Randy because no one should be chatting it up with Ambrose and Reigns. Message Clear. So either Randy will want revenge come NOC (because Randy doesn’t have a match) or we can count on a real mystery opponent. My heart wants Samoa Joe. Predictability says Randy. Maybe there is a curve ball here somewhere. We’ll see. I’m good either way.
The Dudleys smash up Los Matadores and put someone through a table. JBL said he wanted Torito to go through it. There are a few times where I feel JBL speaks directly to my soul. This is one of them.
Cesaro then fought the Miz. So that gave me an answer to last week’s question of, “Where do Cesaro and KO go from here?” The answer for Cesaro is: Nowhere. Big Show then came out and chased Miz then knocked out Cesaro. Seriously, who did this man piss off?! Big Show was face when he chased Miz, then turned heel when he punched Cesaro which means that the WWE is in on the face/heel turn gag and are now just mocking us. Well Played.
Main Event – New Day Rocks!
So PTP w/ Cena took on New Day w/ Rollins in a good bout. But, as always, the highlight was simply the New Day heel tactics of Xavier Woods. Blowing his trumpet with every kick, the long note with Kofi’s dropkick to Cena in the corner, and him playing the Final Fantasy 7 battle victory theme… I was cackling like a maniac. Xavier never stops talking. Someone told me that during a house show, Mizdow would do his act the WHOLE time, not just when the camera was on him. Someone who sees New Day at a house show, please let me know if Xavier is doing his thing for entire matches. Because if he is, that’s freaking amazing.
“YOU GON LEARN TODAY WHAT TRICEP MEAT FEELS LIKE!”
An amazing JBL quote: “Well Michael, when you have a Ph.D. you have a lot to say.”
I can’t tell if it’s annoying or just completely entertaining or a weird mixture of both. I just know that I’m a convert and I’m completely behind New Day right now. Big E has no chill and Kofi ain’t no slouch. These three together are magic and the saviors of last night’s Raw.
Seth loses twice in one night. That makes me sad. Sting cheered me up by destroying a perfectly good Seth Rollins statue. A good way to close the show.
So one more Raw until the Night of Champions. Hopefully, next week’s “season premiere” won’t drag like this episode. It was painful, but expected of a “Holiday Raw.” So, what did you guys think? Feel free to leave a comment below.
Until next week.