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*Recap* Total Divas Episode 5: Fighting & Family

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The Funkadactyls

It’s week 5 of Total Divas and the show is still going strong. This past episode was so good in fact that it took me several days to write this recap. Don’t believe that? Okay… fine the truth. Over the past few days I have been crafting the perfect love letter for Eva Marie.

Actually, the ratings dropped last week due to Summerslam and the lack of Eva Marie programming but I anticipate that the ratings will stabilize this week.

And here we go…

The show kicks off with a bang as Eva Marie and Jo Jo are rubbing each other down with bronzer before a trip to the gym. It’s essential to look good even when working out as a WWE Diva.

The next scene is a good cleavage shot of Eva Marie followed by a view from behind. Then Jo Jo gets the best gig in the wrestling business and tussles with Eva Marie in the center of the workout room as the pair swaps headlocks.

Some guy comes in and should immediately be fired from the cast for interrupting the moment. Oh wait! It’s Roman Reigns and the Shield is now representing on Total Diva programming. I imagine they are here to lay down the law and penalize the Funkadactyls for being devoid of entertaining programming.

Joe and Jo Jo have a moment where they realize Jo is a part of each other’s name. Joe is simply entertaining Jo Jo at this point; as he can’t take his eyes of the lovely Eva Marie. The trio apologizes for interrupting each other and carries on with their respective days.

TJ and Nattie are shown swimming in the pool. A surprising phone reveals that TJ’s mother is on the phone. It’s Nattie’s birthday and the WWE has gifted her with a match on RAW. This is overshadowed by the fact Nattie is going to have to spend the week with her future mother-in-law . TJ’s mother-in-law has a very small house and TJ and Nattie are going to have to stay with her during the taping of RAW. Nattie contests it is essential the pair stay in a hotel and insists TJ informs his mother of this change in scheduling. To reinforce the point, Nattie hulks up and tosses TJ into the pool. He sells the move pretty well and we segue into…

Trinity and Ariane embrace each other in a touching moment of sisterhood. This is a refreshing change from being at each other’s throats over the past several episodes over the silliest of conflicts. Ariane is noticeably lacking the silicone (royalty check) implants.

Ariane and Trinity decide to go shopping and ambiguously explain how the pair came together to form the Funkadactyls. The girl’s may be polar opposites but they can still get along.

Brie and Nikki are backstage filming a segment with the Funkadactyls. It’s a neat contrast to see each pair of girls be catty with each other on camera and then chum it up seconds later.

Nikki starts talking about her relationship with her father and how strained it has become over the years. Her father has struggled with addiction and relationship woes and this has put pressure on Nikki and her father’s relationship. The Funkadactyls tell her that she should forget the past and reestablish a relationship with her dad. She, however, does not want to deal with it and chooses not to see him.

Nattie is excited to be back in her town for Monday Night Raw. A clip of the Bella’s vs. Nattie and Katelyn is shown and Nattie gives us a bit of background on her development throughout the course of her career. She claims to have taught the Bella’s how to wrestle. The Bella’s beat Nattie on her birthday and she sells it well in the center of the ring.

Nattie and TJ check into their hotel room and engage in romantic wrestling moves. This is soon interrupted by a phone call. I bet it is TJ’s mother! It is. TJ’s mother seems to be pretty overbearing. Nattie doesn’t want to give up her birthday celebration to spend time with TJ’s mother. TJ turns into a royal pussy on the phone and relents to his mother’s demand. The pair will not be spending time with TJ’s mother against Nattie’s wishes. This is probably a major faux pas as just last week we bore witness to Nattie screaming at TJ as he tried to convince her into marriage at the Justice of the Peace.

Segment 2: Lunch with TJ’s Mom

Trinity and Ariane are now dragging their boyfriends to some new boutique opening. Cameras are flashing and glitter is staining the ground. The contrast here is that Ariane lives for the fame and Trinity is more down to Earth.

Finally, John Cena!

John and Nikki are hanging out at home and Nikki mistakes Churchill for Stalin. John Cena is trying to put a little culture into Nikki’s life. I’m quite impressed that John Cena knows Chinese. Nikki is totally frustrated and jovially mentions she just wants to learn dirty words. John, ever the voice of reason, Cena attempts to talk some sense into Nikki and tries to get her to go talk to her father. Nikki seems to be easing up on her paternal aggression and it looks as if she will pay her father a visit.

Nattie is now stuck having lunch with TJ and his mother. But there is more! TJ has brought his sister and Nattie feels that each member of the family is like a snake off Medusa’s head. Nattie wants to be in a serious relationship but doesn’t seem to want to put in the work. It seems like TJ received all the good looks in the family. Nattie is jealous and wants to be the special woman in TJ’s life. TJ’s sister mentions marital consoling and both parties hesitantly proclaim that there are no problems in their relationship. This is odd for the fan because all we know of TJ and Nattie’s relationship hinges on problems (both superficial and commitment based).

Nikki gives us some fashion advice as it’s time for their weekly philosophical debate while wearing skimpy clothes in the workout room. The topic centers on Nikki visiting their father. The pair agrees this relationship should be evaluated and reentered very slowly. Interestingly enough this segment did not really focus on the Bella’s breasts and was a bit more emotionally reasonable.

The Funkadactyls are now shown working up a new dance routine because the old dance routine has grown stale. Trinity is a much better dancer than Ariane but Ariane is much sexier and flashy. This team needs to learn to work together.

Segment 3: Funkadactyls Fist Fight

Nikki is finally about to have a showdown with her family. She shows up and is greeted with open arms by her grandmother. Brie and Nikki reminisce on dearly departed family members and have casual conversation with granny.

Nattie is still harping on her birthday week. She has decided to go get a tan and indulge in a bit of infidelity. She is conversation with an amateur wrestler named Jaret who owns the tanning salon. They are either terrible actors or are purposely flirting on camera – where her boyfriend will undoubtedly watch this segment. Jaret spray tans her to the point of looking like a female body builder.

The Bella’s head off to their grandfather’s grave. There is a sad moment by the grave where the Bella children reminisce once again. Their father abandoned them at 15 and granddad was the father figure. Granddad Bella would have been a huge Cena fan.

TJ is still pressing Nattie to hang out with his family. Nattie storms off once again. This seems to be a reoccurring segment in each show. Nattie leaves TJ hanging dry with his family. She is alone on her birthday. I almost feel sad for her but it is kind of her fault. She could have made the best of a bad situation.

Trinity and Ariane decide to bond… but all that really matters is that they are bonding with Eva Marie. The girls decide to go go-karting. If this were Mario Kart, Eva Marie would definitely be Princess Peach. The other two would be Bowser and Toadstool. Jo-Jo would be the hidden character that no one knows the code to activate.

The Funkadactyls start fighting over Ariane winning the go kart race; so much for reconciliation. Eva Marie is stroking her hair in the background, so I’m not even sure what these two girls are fighting over. It’s a pretty pissing contest! I bet this is some kind of Freudian recession from last week’s breast implants.

As the girls are leaving Trinity comes up and shoves Ariane. Then the girls shove each other some more as we break towards commercial. No doubt there will be future conflict.

Segment 4: More fighting and infidelity

As we come back from break the show recaps Trinity and Ariane chest bumping each other at the go kart establishment. No blows are thrown and the girls walk away in disgust.

TJ blows Nattie off so Jaret is going to take her out to dinner in an attempt to be a suitable male suitor. Jaret, instead of giving reasonable advice, tries to get into Nattie’s pants for some reason no one will ever understand. Jaret tells Nattie that they have more of a connection and that she should break up with TJ. Jaret tells Nattie that he would regret not professing his love for the rest of his life. I’m sure he is regretting it two minutes after it comes out of his mouth.

The Bella’s are now back with their family. It is about D-Day for the meeting between Nikki and her father. Her dad shows up and everyone exchanges kisses on the cheek. Nikki still does not want to be involved with her father as we cut to another commercial break.

Segment 5: Family Matters?

The tension grows between Nikki and her father. Her father does not understand the problem. Nikki explains that he is a selfish man. This is reinforced by the fact he does not know why his daughter hates his guts. Nikki spills her guts to her father and lets her father know how her grandfather was a better man. Nikki’s father attempts to apologize and implores the girls to forgive him. I hope this isn’t kayfabe because it was not very sincere.

The Funkadactyls do not wish to work together on RAW. So being utterly professional, they toss these feelings out to management in an attempt to alienate themselves from the roster. The worst part of all of this is that they kicked Eva Marie out of the room. The girls yell at each other for a while irrationality and the management looks pretty uncomfortable and passes the buck to Stephanie McMahon. The girl’s continue to yell at each other. Ariane walks away and goes to gossip with the other girls.

Cue Stephanie McMahon after the break.

Segment 6: Stephanie lays the smack down

Stephanie calls the Funkadactyls into her office to discuss this situation. Instead of eating Ariane and Trinity like a mother polar bear, Stephanie attempts to resolve the situation with calm, civil discussion. Trinity explains that she physically assaulted Ariane on company grounds but Stephanie slaps them on the wrist and gives them exactly what they want: singles matches. The team shakes Stephanie’s hand and part ways.

The match ups are described to the Funkadactyls an hour before show time. The seamstress is back. I don’t know why she deals with these attitudes.

Brie and Nikki go watch their boyfriends wrestle and talk about how much they get turned on. I feel the same way.

Trinity and Ariane’s single matches are shown. Each girl has been given the opportunity to shine. Eva Marie shines as she watches backstage. Trinity’s conditioning is subpar and her in-ring etiquette is not where it needs to be. Trinity totally butchered several in ring moves and lost the match.

Ariane comes out and her wrestling pace is just awful. She takes some nasty bumps and the girl’s talk about how unready she was during the match. Both girls lost their match and realize they must work together so reconciliation is essential to their WWE careers. The girls hug and cry. The Funkadactyls have reunited after 3 hours of Monday Night Raw. A better option would have been to fight over who gets to partner with Eva Marie.

Recap: This episode wasn’t as bad as last week’s breast-a-thon episode but I think the theme of last week’s show was just to attract some attention away from Summerslam or to get people to DVR the episode and watch it later. The Bella’s actually had a few decent segments this week. The Funkadactyls were given more face time; other than just arguing over silicone and wardrobes so that might indeed assist in helping their future with not only the show but also the WWE as an organization. The Nattie and TJ segments were simply intolerable and hard to watch. I really want to like her character as I have child-like attachments to the Hart family… but this show is making her come across as extremely superficial and vapid. Yes, I just said that she was the most vapid individual on a show about Divas wrestling around in skimpy wrestling outfits and arguing about breast implants.

See you next week!

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