It hasn’t even been 6 months since Erick Rowan was enjoying a fantastic, if unexpected, push which was arguably his best year as a WWE Superstar. It was a weird one to say the least, as for a good few months we watched Rowan quite literally try to kill Roman Reigns. The most bizarre part was Rowan pinning him clean along the way, the rivalry ending, but with no explanation as to why he was suddenly so interested in first degree murder..

Fast forward to 2020. You’re probably thinking “Surely Rowan is a huge star now following a win over WWE’s poster boy?” Erm… not quite. Rowan has spent the last number of months, since that mega push, walking around beating up local talent and protecting a cage that no-one can see inside of.

Can somebody check on Vince please? Is he okay? Might be time for his pills…

We’ve not seen Rowan for a couple of weeks now, but as the mystery contents of the cage have recently become much more sinister, this is as good a time as any to share what I would like to see in Rowans Mystery Box.

Mae Youngs Hand

Far and above my favourite potential resident of the cage. Mae Young’s Hand was the pinnacle of Attitude Era TV nonsense. It would make precisely zero sense at all, but neither does Erick Rowan walking around with a pet carrier to be honest. Rowan should claim to be the real father of the hand, which has obviously grown after all these years, and enter into an ill-advised rivalry with Mark Henry for custody of the most unholy of creations.

Lil' Jimmy

Rowan has taken Lil’ Jimmy hostage, leading R Truth to chase the 24/7 title for 6 months desperately trying to replace his baby. Lil’ Jimmy should escape the cage, making a desperate plea for Truth to come and save him. Queue 8 months of chasing, ambushes and local talent squashes until Truth challenges Rowan to a ladder match for the custody of Lil’ Jimmy. WrestleMania 38 main event.

It is scary to me how much sense this makes and how damn entertaining it could be if booked by literally anybody but Vince McMahon.

Hornswoggle, Micro Cole, Jerry Smaller, El Torito etc.

Okay, I’ll admit it. I love midgets in wrestling. Almost as much as Vince McMahon does, except obviously nowhere near as much as he does because the crazy old man is OBSESSED with midgets. Wee-LC was properly hilarious for anyone with any sort of sense of humor. Have Swoggle pop out of the cage to terrorise Rowans opponents every now and then, leading to a distraction and a vicious Iron Claw for the win. Easy, clear, concise and intelligent booking.

Shayna Baszler

Shayna is a certified badass. She has dominated and reigned supreme over the NXT Women’s Division for a couple of years now and has been rumoured to make her main roster move for a little while now. So it makes perfect sense that this bare knuckle, super tough, technically proficient, MMA badass killer should debut on RAW by biting a chunk out of Becky Lynch’s neck and then disappearing. Good. I’m glad we are all in agreement that "Shayna The Vampire" is the perfect way to book her. It fully explains the biting, but I'm not sure a pet carrier is the kind of enclosure this cage fighter is used to...

Tajiri

Tajiri but with red mist instead of green. Simple. Effective. Explains where he has been all these years. He was quite short as well.

Aleister Black

I refuse to believe that it was a mere coincidence to hear Black talking about being stuck inside of metaphorical cages this week on RAW. We’ve never seen Rowan and Black in the same place at the same time. Black in the cage confirmed.

Mitch

I’ve been writing about this for so long that I’m starting to question what life even is, so at this point Dean Ambrose’s potted plant Mitch makes as much sense as anything. After being treated so badly by Chris Jericho, Mitch had nowhere to go. No career. WWE doctors wouldn’t clear him. He went all over America to see the finest specialists around. Mitch fought for his dreams and his dreams fought for him. He is back and this time… it’s personal.

Al Snows ‘Head’

If this means we get to see Al Snow back on TV I’m all for it. Hell, bring back the whole of the Job Squad. The only issue with that is that WWE have roughly 50 jobbers who could fit in there at the moment… so not too dissimilar from the NWO’s hiring policy. I’d be the first person to believe that Rowan has entered into an objectophilic (google it) relationship with a mannequin head. Just look at the guy, if he wasn’t in WWE he’d be playing D&D in his mum’s basement.

Realistically It’s Probably A Bearded Dragon

But where is the fun in that? What is the pay-off? “Oh it’s a bearded dragon… okay cool” is literally the only plausible reaction to that. Fully expect this entire angle to boil down to something hideously boring and then disappear within a week… just like Rowan’s career.

I can’t quite believe I’ve just done a whole article on Erick Rowan's "Littlest Petshop". I think I need to lie down...

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